Hellipig, honey.
It's a whirl of emotions and hard to pin down and fight your way out but you CAN do this.
With the lack of a counsellor I can suggest you do a few things I did that really helped to stop that chaotic thinking and enable some clarity to creep in.
First, write lists. Write down the reality of the thing again and again. The reality is:
1. This was done to you You are not responsible for any of what happened and even if you later made mistakes because of the fallout, by default, they are not your fault either.
2. Anyone, ANYONE, who experienced the things you did would likely or not be where you are now. We are not all the same, but given the surprising patterns you see in people's stories in here, the obvious inferences are that our brains are doing what they are naturally programmed to do. In other words, there is no success and fail here, only cause and effect.
3. Unconditional love in families is a pile of @£$%^&. There is either love or there isn't and in its absence, we are entitled to go elsewhere for happiness. Crap families ruthlessly exploit guilt and duty whilst displaying neither themselves. It is perfectly acceptable for anyone you find to be abusive and damaging to your sense of well-being to be ejected via the airlock, aliens style. You will get crap for doing it, but you were going to get crap anyway. Do it.
4. What you are feeling is actually not the truth, it is the result of injury to the chemistry of your brain. Sustained stress and neglect alters the shape of the brain (not permanent) through the bias of your body towards stress hormones. See your brain like any other part of your body, it can be hurt. Your adrenal glands have swamped your system with cortisol and adrenalin until finally you were forced to go numb, disassociation, (which I can never spell) and suppress these emotions to take the pressure off your endocrine system. With long-term stress, this alters the brain structure in a bad way and alters how you think creating a loop. The hippocampus shrinks and the brain starts to lose the ability to normally regulate emotions. But it feels like reality and it hurts like *. But it is vital to understand that there are two distinct issues, the cause, and the effect. The effect has to be dealt with as objectively as possible with a bias towards the maximum amount of research you can bear. Knowledge is power.
5. It's your life. Easy to say of course, but it's pretty fundamental. No one has the right to take you over, get inside your head or exploit you, neglect you or trash you. No one. Anyone that has, or does any of those no longer has the right to be in your life at all. There is nothing selfish about taking control and demanding what you and all of us deserve, a bit of basic normailty.
6. Avoid caffeine. Exercise. Keep drinking to a minimum and rest when your body says rest. Listen to what your body is telling you. Adrenal fatigue is a big part of all this, as is outside guilt and pressure making us wear ourselves out for no good reason. Body knows best. Stop before you are forced to.
7. You are not the only one. In here are many really good people who have had some really bad people in their lives, just as you have. None of it is right, none of it is fair, none of it can be made to make any sense whatsoever, though we all so wish it would. There will be no closure other than that which we make with ourselves. Only in movies do the big conclusions happen, the big bombshell where everyone collectively comes to their senses. Not in real life I'm afraid. In real life no one will say sorry, take responsibility and put their crimes right. And the more reprehensible the crime, the less likely the honesty. You were horribly negelcted by the people you most needed, and that is a very deep scar that you crave to be treated, but sadly, all of us in here would stand more chance of an honest conversation with a great white shark than our abusers. The bottom line is that anyone capable of such a lack of empathy in the first place, will never gain it in later life unless they are sitting in front of a parole board and think it could help their case.
8. There is a better world. Truly. There are good people out there, and happiness is to be had, but first we have to put the fires out and see our stories from the high ground which we have gained when we were not even seeking it. Put yourself first, break your story down into its components and begin putting it into context. Family, relationships, illness, money, health etc etc.
so...
1. Not your fault
2. Your current issues are perfectly understandable
3. Your family is not a prison you have to live in
4. CPTSD is a physiological response to emotional pressures and needs to be seen as a physical injury.
5. It IS YOUR LIFE. You have a right, and obligation even, to live it.
6. Listnen to your body and avoid placing strains on it with caffeine etc. (take vitamin D btw.. max strength)
7. You are not alone and unique in your suffering. Everyone in here gets it even if the wider world can be about as sensitive as intestinal worms.
8. The world is not so full of monsters. There is beauty, kindness and love. But first we have to wash the mud and blood off and put on out best clothes and be able to see it before we can embrace it.
I suggest you write out your own version of the above and then write it again, and again until it sinks into those neural pathways in place of all that bad influence. Will be ok sweetheart, truly. x