Passive suicidal vs active suicidal

[BlancaLap]

Here I'm gonna tell my story with suicide *trigger warning?*:
Since I was little I have wished I was dead; I usually fantasize about jumping off a window, usually my bedroom's window. I have fantasize about suicide so many times... god.
Yet I have never tried to do it, the idea used to gave me a lot of anxiety. My closest moment with suicide ocurred one day... . So, on day, for the first time in my life, I wasn't completely numb or emotionless, it was my first time with my hidden pain... and oh god, there was so much pain... to much I guess. I though seriously (for the first time) about jumping off a window, because the pain was too much. Ironically, before that, I did some sort of insight mental work, and I analyzed all the times I have wished I was dead and I couldn't believe it: for the first time I saw the idea of committing suicide as barbaric, unimaginable... I couldn't comprehend how I managed to think about it, to fantasize about it... the idea was too much... and yet, hours later I had my closest moment with suicide.
I guess I can explain WHY that happened:
First I was numb, so I was only able to feel anxiety, and the anxiety was too much... so I fantasized about suicide like some sort of way of setting me free of the anxiety...
Then I had a period in which I had less anxiety and I was less numb (yet I couldn't feel the pain), so I was able to feel the threat behind the suicide, not just the simple idea of setting myself free from the anxiety, but the real fear of death, so for the first time I saw it as barbaric.
In the end I was able to feel some (not all) of the pain I have been hiding all this years so I stopped fantasizing about dead and I started considering it as an available way of freeing myself from the pain.
And that's how I went from passive to active...

[Three Roses]

I'm glad you're still here.

[BlancaLap]

Thank you for your reply

[sanmagic7]

me, too.  you're worth a lot and are very precious.  you've got a strong voice, valid perspective, and valuable insight.  sending a hug filled with continuing encouragement and love.

[BlancaLap]

Thanks!