I can't deal with people

Started by a_bunny, October 14, 2018, 01:21:16 PM

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a_bunny

I find that the vast majority of people are incapable of meeting my needs. My needs are: to be listened to, validated, understood, and respected. I find that most people are terrible at listening. They will turn every topic of conversation around to be about themselves, and leave no room for others. Or when I try to talk about something that is affecting me negatively, they interrupt with advice and solutions, instructing me on what to do, as if they are the boss of my life and decisions. Or react in a condescending, judgmental way. Or, some people just talk over everyone, interrupt, ask me my opinion only to "correct" me on it, or ask me questions and not let me even finish a one-sentence answer.

At best, this behavior makes me want to zone out and not truly engage with people. At worst, it's extremely triggering and painful, and can bring up strong emotions that can keep me up at night and last longer than a day.

I have a lot of friends/family I'm connected to. Out of these people, I trust a very small handful to actually listen and at least try to understand me. To basically leave room for me and my feelings in a conversation. The rest of the people? No, I don't trust them to be good listeners at all. The thing is, I know that my friends and family have good traits, and I'm grateful for the kindnesses they have given me. I love these people; I can even enjoy spending time with them.

Yet at the same time, I feel judgmental towards them. I find myself noticing, remembering, holding onto these transgressions and my resulting negative judgments. I feel angry and deprived because I go into almost all social situations assuming no one is going to listen to me, so why even bother speaking. I feel anxious because I never know when an interaction is going to be very painful and triggering. I wonder why it's so hard to meet people who have a higher level of emotional intelligence, skill in interaction, and self-awareness.

But I just feel like it's not useful to have all of this anger. I think a healthier outlook would be to have gratitude for the positive things that these people bring to my life, be less judgmental towards them, and have compassion for them. But that's not the way that I feel.

On that subject, I spent a long time when I was younger, trying to accept and understand other people. I think this was a result of feeling so unaccepted and misunderstood, myself, and not wanting others to go through the same pain. To be that person for them, that I so badly needed myself. I had wrong ideas about Buddhism, so that I'd let others behave however they wanted towards me, because I thought it was my responsibility to just manage my own emotional reactions internally, and accept any behavior from anybody. This, of course, led to a continuation of emotional abuse. I now know that you have to have compassion for yourself also, and set boundaries, and that sometimes, or often, requsting behavior changes from others is necessary and good for everyone.

So I am wary about solutions that focus on compassion and gratitude towards others, positivity only. I know that I cannot dismiss my anger. That anger needs to be validated.

I know that I have a lot of negative beliefs about other people, about my ability to get my needs met. And a lot of negative emotion. I need to do something to change this. But there is only so much you can ask of others, only so much they are capable of. Only so much you can explain -- by nature, the problem is that they can't understand, even if you tried to explain. And the rest falls on me, the hard work, the overwhelming burden of managing my own emotions.

So ultimately, I guess it does feel like it is my responsibility to handle all of this, and I think I feel extremely resentful towards the world because of it. And I feel alone in carrying that burden. And intensely sad.

I'm not sure I have a specific question, but I just thought others here might be able to relate to my experience. This was long, thanks for reading this far.

a_bunny

A recent very minor example of what I'm talking about. (There are of course many, way more extreme ones.)

I have a friend who I love dearly, who is one of the most generous and caring people I know. He is also very overbearing, dominates conversations, and tends to aggresively, forcefully try to solve other peoples' problems for them.

Recently, at a group athletic activity:

Him: Hey A Bunny, we're all playing [sport], why don't you join?
Me: Actually, I just got a workout this morning…
Him, interrupting: So then don't play. You don't have to play if you don't want to.
Me: Well actually, I still wanted to play, just not the whole time…
Him, interrupting again: Okay, so then play for a bit and then stop when you want to.

I find this very annoying. There's a part of me that wants to scream: "Why don't you stop talking and trying to tell me what to do for just one second, and let ME tell YOU what *I* have already decided on my own, without your help?" There's another part of me that feels like I should just let it go and forget about it, because this particular exchange is not a big deal.

What will actually happen is: I will remember this, judge him for being a bad listener and overbearing, hold onto that judgment and memory for way too long, feel bitter about it, and still, the next time I see him, be happy to see him and enjoy his company (barring any more annoying behavior).

The problem is that it's not right to lash out at something so minor. But the emotion I feel in these situations will always be disproportionate to what's happening in the moment, because I always carry with me a deep well of rage that has been accumulating over a lifetime. I can't lash out, I can't tell myself to "let it go" and invalidate my own feelings. Possibly the most effective thing I could do is say something calmly to express that I don't need him telling me what to do, but 1. that's very hard for me to come up with on the spot, and 2. it's hard to act calmly when you carry a well of rage with you everywhere, and 3. I'm not even sure that situations like this are significant enough to warrant that kind of self-assertion.

Also I feel like a terrible person for being so judgmental towards my friends who are actually really great people.

My T would say that my/our reactions are 10% about what's happening in the moment, and 90% about our history. So it's not appropriate to unleash the full 100% of anger onto the person who triggered it. But then what do you do about that remaining 90%? Again, it goes back to what I said about it feeling like my own burden and responsibility to bear alone.

woodsgnome

I have no solutions for any of this, but I did want to share that you're not alone with these sorts of in/mostly out reactions to people, to the point of becoming totally avoidant and then kicking oneself for being this way. Coming out of traumatic times, it's natural but not especially comforting to feel so alone all the time.

It's a vicious cycle, for sure; and one that I only too recently went through, yesterday in fact. I have no friends, live alone, but do have one person who likes hearing my creative sort of humour, and that I have lots of (fortunately). But yesterday I wanted to pick her smarts on a health matter that's been bothering me. She does know quite a bit of my rocky background with cptsd, but nonetheless launched into a bit of a rant that hit on so many sensitive points for me that I've been wandering around in an EF mode ever since. Basically she proceeded to tell me it's all my fault, echoing some of the worst of my history with people. I nearly hung up on her at one point, which has never happened before; but I was at the point of not being able to stand the echo.

This also touches on a difficulty you mention, where I give in and just let the other person rattle on, exasperated that they really didn't listen to what I was saying. The difference here was that this woman knows me somewhat, and as mentioned I have no other friends, period.

So it's back to avoidant style living, for me. After only a bit of restless resemblance to sleep, all I know is I'm here, apparently still going, and not sure that's a good thing. It's the 90% past history reactions crowding out the rest, as your T noted.

Best to you as you grapple with this.  :hug: