Husband narcissistic

Started by Tumpervet1, November 14, 2017, 10:44:49 PM

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Tumpervet1

I told him that he is narcissistic and gas- lighting me and he turns around and tells me I'm passive aggressive and I don't even know what narcissistic means. I don't know how to get around this. I tell him I don't want to fight and he does this every time. Then he tells me I'm crazy and says it in front of the girls. He ignores me. Always the silent treatment and always on his phone or the computer. I really don't know what to do when he acts this way. I don't know how to respond. I'm so angry.

Blueberry

I'm sorry about what you're going through. That sounds tough and horrible. I would be angry too. I often don't know how to respond in situations, I'm often literally speechless.

What I can recommend is to try out the Toolbox on our sister website Out of the Fog, which is for people who have a Personality-Disordered person in their lives. Your husband in this case.

Here's the link http://outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro/ The Toolbox includes What To Do and What Not To Do
That might give you some ideas, though don't worry if you can't carry them out right away. Imo that's a sign of CPTSD. e.g. if you're too frightened to take a particular step.

I think I read in your other post that you are seeing a therapist this week? That's definitely a good step too.

I hope you keep coming back here to post. It often helps a bit just to vent and then to have people validate e.g. that your anger is justified.

I like vanilla

#2
Ah, gaslighting and projection. Two of the favourite tactics used by narcissists and cluster Bs everywhere...

I hate to say it but the only way to win against a narcissist in this type of interaction is to not engage in this type of interaction. The cluster Bs are experts at these types of conversations and, unlike us, have no conscience to stop them from engaging in behaviours that might hurt others' feelings.

Those of us with consciences often fall into the emotional-response pattern because we try to fix the problem, try to help others 'see the light' and understand how their behaviours impact others. We who are conscientious have such a difficult time understanding that the cluster Bs will never see the error of their ways, that they have no interest in seeing any errors in themselves, so we engage, argue, put our best explanations forward. Trying, hoping, trying to make it work. But the cluster Bs are unable to respond constructively. Instead they gleefully suck up all of that emotional energy to try to fill their empty selves. It is impossible for them to do anything else.

Have you heard about the grey rock technique? The grey rock technique allows for interactions when NC is impossible (e.g. the narc is a spouse, parent of shared children, a boss, etc.), but also disarms the narcs. Grey rock means giving neutral, emotionless, bland, boring responses, refusing to give them the emotional reactions that they seek and that they need.  It is difficult to do, especially at the start when the narcs push back hard to get an emotional reaction from us. But, I have found it very effective with narcs that I am not able to go NC with (e.g. my narc boss). Narcs feed on the emotions they arouse through contentious discussions (the narcissistic supply); that is the whole reason that narcs start these conversations in the first place. Grey rock starves the cluster Bs preventing them from sucking the emotional energy straight out of us. It is difficult, especially at the start but I have found that it is worth doing.

Whenever I want to fall into the old pattern and give a cluster B the emotional reaction they seek, I remind myself: 'never wrestle with a pig; you both get dirty and the pig enjoys it'.

Three Roses

Here are some suggestions for you.

Five things to say to disarm a narcissist, by Lisa A Romano: https://youtu.be/6TSh9zTHz2k

Have you heard of Richard Grannon? He's got tons of videos on YouTube.
https://youtu.be/vcWvJmWIlo0 is a relatively short one.

It is terribly difficult to try and explain the effects of this type of abuse to people who've never lived it. Absolutely crazy making! We believe you, and understand. You're cared for here.
:hug:

I like vanilla

In some good timing, Richard posted last night a video about 'the fastest, easiest test for narcissism.' In the beginning of the video he gives a really solid description of the dynamics between the cluster Bs and the rest of us, including how the cluster Bs 'win' at their interactions with us.