Intense EF after discliplining daughter

[blackaltis07]

Tonight I took my daughter across the street to my in-laws' for dinner while my wife was at work. She's two-and-a-half and we've been having problems with her discipline when it comes to eating dinner...she plays with her food, chews it up and spits it out, etc and all the usual stuff that two-year-olds do. My wife and I make empty threats like taking away her TV and play time after dinner, putting her to bed early dinner, and all that, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Tonight she flat out refused to eat the dinner that her Pop-Pop made her. She chewed some up and spit it on the floor and I kept warning her that if she continued, I'd take her back home and put her right to bed at 6:30. She chose to throw her dinner on the floor and I decided that I was tired of all the empty threats. I very calmly cleaned her up, apologized to my in-laws, and explained to her that she would be going to be early tonight and that nothing would change my mind. She of course threw a fit, but calmed down by the time she went home. As I changed her into her jammies, I asked her if she could think about what she did as she laid in her crib tonight and to please try to make better decisions tomorrow. She said "I'll try harder, Daddy. I love you". So I left her in her crib 20 minutes ago.

So on paper everything went well. But my messed up mind is in the middle of an EF...if that were me and my father, the verbal tirade that would have ensued would have made Full Metal Jacket seem like a Disney movie. I just can't believe that I can't even (calmly) discipline my own daughter without having a flashback. There's the doubt too...was I too harsh? Did I act rashly? I am I following in my father's abusive footsteps? I want to tell myself no to all of these questions, but the emotional flashback clouds my judgement.

Please forgive my rant, I'm still coming down from this.

[Dee]

How we discipline a child (not abusive) is a personal choice.  I don't believe you were abusive.  I can understand how hard it is.  I made a decision to never lay a hand on my children (again, personal choice).  I put them in time out a minute for every year they were old.  Sometimes, all I could think about was my own abuse as they sat.  I sometimes felt terrible long after they forgot about it.  Still, I disciplined, because that is important too.  A lack of boundaries can come in many different ways.

You are not a bad father. You were being a father.

[sanmagic7]

i think you did great.  kids need boundaries and consistency, and empty threats defeat both of those.  asking her to think it over also allows her to begin reflecting on her actions.  i don't think you were abusive at all.  how will she learn positive eating protocol, whether at home, visiting, or in a restaurant if she's not guided and taught what that means and that there are consequences for inappropriate behavior.

from my point of view, well done.   keep up the good work.   big hug.

[ah]

I agree, I think you did great too.
If you don't give your daughter the boundaries she needs, that'd be neglectful. It wouldn't help her in any way, only do harm. I think it's very brave of you to do the right thing even though you weren't taught it as a kid and you know it'll be painful for you, while at the same time good for her. That's being a good parent, being willing to do the right thing even when it's hard and scary. That's the absolute opposite of the parenting so many of us here have experienced.
Sounds to me you did it well and respected everyone involved, including your daughter. You didn't make her feel small, which is great. You also didn't make her feel she can do anything she wants when she grows up without consequences.

[Combine59]

I have two little ones of my own and they can be a challenge, especially my 4year old. He likes to push my buttons. I also work at a middle school and the kids are even that much more challenging. Especially considering I work with students who have special needs. I have to remind myself that discipline is love, not abuse. So many of my students will get so fired up and angry if you hold them accountable, but they also end up loving you more if your consistent and predictable. What is scary to kids is when an adults rules change daily or feel arbitrary.

So good for you for sticking to your guns. Reassure yourself that you love your daughter and you have the skills to show her how to mend relationships. Conflict is a completely normal and human experience, even though most of us have experienced a perversion of that. Maybe look at the situation with a different pair of glasses. You got the opportunity to experience a healthy and normal conflict, and you reacted appropriately as a father? Looking at things different helped me to realize how much I've grown and I'm not repeating what I grew up with. It makes me proud. Hope you can be too.