Looking for advice

[Sceal]

I have a friend who calls herself narsicistic and laughs about it, so I can never tell if she's being serious about it or not. She is very self-centered though, but still she's had room in her heart to listen to my woes for a long time. Earlier this fall I borrowed her my one-man tent, and I would like it back now. It was a gift to me, and I am worried she wont give it back, or that she ruined it somehow. It might just be my paranoia talking.

Anyway, the conflict I had with her is that she wanted me to dogsit for her while she went on vacation. I hadn't actually said yes to this, I also had no clue when she was going to go. The morning of her leaving she told me she had a newly cleaned dog ready for me, and wondered when she could pick me up. Thing is, she wanted me to live at her place for the week. Which would double and triple my travel time for therapy and lectures. And I actually didn't want to do it, I wasn't doing so well at the time. So I said no. It wasn't a pleasant conversation over text messages. And ever since I've been scared of talking to her, and she hasn't contacted me either.

Again, I'd like my tent back. I don't know if she no longer consider me her friend or not. But I don't know how to reach out to her. I really don't. Fighting, arguing, and any forms of conflicts makes me fawn. I don't object, I do what I'm being told and so forth. So me saying no was a huge thing, and now I'm worried I lost my friend in the process.  Anyway... how do I phrase it?

"Hey, how are you? Been thinking of you. I was wondering if I could have my tent back, I'm packing all my camping equipment away for the season"

[Rainagain]

Could you say that another friend wants to borrow it? If its -20c where you are say your friends kids want to use it for an indoor party as a play tent.

Give a date of the event and ask to collect it before the party/trip.

[Sceal]

Should I avoid asking how she is doing?

[Three Roses]

"Hey, how are you? Been thinking of you. I was wondering if I could have my tent back, I'm packing all my camping equipment away for the season"

This sounds great, actually.

[Sceal]

"Hey, how are you? Been thinking of you. I was wondering if I could have my tent back, I'm packing all my camping equipment away for the season"

This sounds great, actually.

Really? I wish I could take away the fear of actually sending her that text message. I mean if she's still really upset, I'm not sure how to handle that.

[sanmagic7]

i think what you wrote to message her is just right.

if she gets upset, one of two things will happen:  you'll get your tent back or you won't.  either way, you don't have to engage in any arguing, more explanations, begging, or anything else.  she'll either give it to you or she won't.  if she doesn't want to be around you anymore cuz you said 'no' to her about something that would really inconvenience you, i don't know how much of a friend she ever was.  especially since you never said 'yes' in the first place.

she can't harm you, sceal.  if she says no and begins going on a rant, you don't have to listen, don't have to respond, can disconnect immediately.  you don't need abuse about your own property.  there's no telling if she'll actually give it back - if she's really a narc, she may want to hold it over your head to make you squirm.  you don't need that, don't have to take it.

i do hope you get it back with no hassle.   i sincerely do.  sending a hug filled with best wishes for the best possible outcome.

[Sceal]

I messaged her on the bus on the way home from the SA center.
I figured, I am already a wreck - if she's going to wreck me, it might as well be now rather in a few days when I've managed to un-wreck myself some.

I put my phone on flight mode immedatedly. I got scared of a reply there and then, regardless of it being a positive response or a negative one. Then I turned it back on normal but off with the vibrate and sound.

I was imagining you guys sitting next to me, being there as support and strength as I sent the text. I will try and keep that thought in mind as I await her reply.

And while waiting, another question occured:
What if she doesn't answer?
Should I take that as definitive answer? Or should I contact her again?

A part of me hopes she'll drive up here and leave the tent outside my door without confronting me. Even if that means losing her as a friend, it also means I don't have to be confronted or stand upright in a conflict. I feel it's the chicken-* way to go.. But it'd be safer..

[Sceal]

Its moving on the 5th day where she hasnt replied me.

I dont know what to do.
I try  not to think about it, but it seeps in everytime I have a slow moment or unsure of what to do.

What do I do?

[Rainagain]

Hi sceal

Is it about the tent or is it about how your friend feels toward you?

If its about the tent then try again, if its about her and the tent isn't too essential then maybe give up worrying yourself?

No point getting wrecked by this 'friend' if the tent isn't important enough maybe?

Her lack of response says a lot about her, not you.

[Sceal]

I know it's silly.
I know I should value my friendship with her more than the tent. But I've had struggled with where I've had her for a long time. She has a tendency to dissapear for years and then pop back in as if nothing has changed. Some friends that's okay, but I don't like it when it happens to closer friends. friends who know secrets.

But I need, and I want my tent back. It was a gift, and an expensive one as well. I can't afford to buy a new one.

[I like vanilla]

First, great job in asking for your tent back. That was a difficult task and took a great deal of courage on your part. I hope that in the midst of this kerfuffle that you have managed to take a moment to feel good about yourself for that.

After that, I think Rainagain might be on to something. Yes, you want your tent back. If someone borrowed my tent I would want it back too, both for the principle and for the fact that I would hate the idea of having to get a new tent because I find shopping stinks. But, I am with Rainagain in wondering if you might not also be seeking reconnection with this, ahem, 'friend'.

The fact that this friend calls herself a narcissist is a red flag. Years ago, when I started on my healing journey and still was dismissing and ignoring my instincts about people I was reading self-help books on how to be in a good relationship and how to spot those who are poor choices for friendship and romantic relationships. The advice from one book (apologies because I can no longer remember the title to provide a source) was to the effect was 'if someone tells you that they are an a$$hole then believe them, or at the very least avoid them'. The idea are:

>quite often people who are a$$holes (narcissists, bullies, etc.) will tell you that so that they can take advantage of you and treat you badly and when you complain can respond 'but I told you that I am an a$$hole'.

>Alternatively, the person is not really an a$$hole but is saying so for another reason, e.g. to seek reassurance from you (us) that they are not a$$holes. The problem here is that this person is in a bad place emotionally and psychologically (for which we can sympathize and empathize) but instead of seeking help from a professional who can guide them forward on their healing journeys, they are seeking out a co-dependent who can subsume their own identities, lives, and healing journeys in order to spend their time bolstering the ego of the insecure person who is unwilling to do their own healing work.

Either way, the person is a poor choice for healthy friendship.

So, I hate to say it but you might have lost both your tent and your friendship... But if that is the case you will, at least, be in a better place for not being with someone who claims narcissism as a personality trait and the cost will have been your tent (rather than your car, home, other relationships, self-esteem, and even Self).

[Three Roses]

Personally, I would go to her and demand it back. If I've already seen this friendship as something I want to let go of, I wouldn't lose the tent too without a fight. But that's just me.

[Rainagain]

If it was an expensive gift then go after it, its your property not hers.

[sanmagic7]

i'm in the 'you deserve your tent, fight for it' group, since it seems very important to you.  i think i'd also start thinking that the 'friendship' is already gone, so it's not really a concern anymore as to whether you'll lose her or not.  i just hate it when people act like this, make us squirm and doubt ourselves.  to me, those are not friends.  therefore, valuing your tent above her is not silly at all.

i really hope you get your tent back.  it would be a shame not to, but the shame would not be on you.  glad you pulled us in to surround you as you're going thru this.  we'll be there when you go get your tent, too.    lots of supportive hugs to you, sceal.

[Sceal]

I can't remember if it was late january, or early february. But I sent her a text saying that either I pick up the tent the following morning, or she has to deliver it to me at home the next week. She replied with that she wouldn't be home, but she'd leave out her key and I could go and get it. She'd leave it in the hallway.

Her car was home, and the light was on. So I assume she was at home, but I just took the key and grabbed my tent and left the key where I'd found it. I didn't text her again, and I didn't hear from her until last week.

She texted me saying she had finally dared to open up the longer message I had sent her online. And that she's proud of me, and of her self. And that she's quite busy these days but she would like to meet up for a cup of tea and talk things out.
It took me about 4 days to respond, not in spite. But because I needed to think a bit.
I said that right now is a bad time for me, but maybe over easter some time. She said she'd like that, and just for me to say when.

So, this is interessting. Where do I go from here, I wonder. I need to find out if this is a relation that I want to keep having, and in what capacity. I need to know where I stand in my own world and path before I meet her. Her personality is much stronger than me, and I still easily fall into a submissive way. And I need to keep practicing my boundaries.
But I need some help.
How do I find out what kind of relation I want to have with her? Which questions should I ask myself to figure this out?

I have discovered something though. Where I once would have jumped up and down of happiness and relief that I hadn't lost a friend due to a conflict - regardless of who I felt had been wronged, and would have forgiven her on the spot. I no longer do that. I'm careful, and I will admit... I don't trust her. I have noticed I'm trusting people less and less these days. Even people who are important to me.