Another new guy

[bran_alastar]

Hey all. So glad to have found this board. I posted a bit of a relevant bio in another thread but, to recap. . .

I'm 37, trans guy, married w/ kids (3m, 6f), Wiccan, depression/ADHD, with messed up divorced parents.  My mom and my wife both have borderline personality disorder.  My mom got very emotionally abusive when she was dysregulated (think "witch-type"), and we're now estranged.  My wife gets very dysregulated but only accidentally abusive ("waif-type"), and she has been making great progress learning to handle her intense emotions and unstable self-image.  I've spent a lot of time in my adult life working on difficulties left over from my family of origin, and replicated in the family my wife and I have made together.  There may be some guilt there. . .

What really brought me here is that I had (I think?) an emotional flashback recently, and I can't deny the complex PTSD anymore.  See, my mom would come home from work and sulk, getting steadily more drunk, and then lay into me after dinner. I don't remember a lot of the specifics, thankfully.  But I remember that, by the time I was 13, I'd sit there for hours, as still as a statue, trying my best not to respond, while she ranted about how bad I was, how bad she was, how much she loved me-- even though I was a terrible person and I was trying to destroy her life.  By the time I moved back in with my dad, she never spoke to me except during her rages.

Like I said, my mom has BPD. 

And so does my wife.  She was diagnosed in her 20s before we met, but was very stable during our first few years, and I didn't honestly much credit the diagnosis. Then we had kids. Then she found out she was adopted— illegally, in the 70s. Then, I came out as trans (my timing was less than good).  Those were a rough few years.

I'm in therapy, she's in therapy, our daughter's in therapy, we're in therapy together. My wife just finished a two year cycle of DBT skills group and it was very helpful to us both. She's working amazingly hard on her stuff, stuff that she never chose, doesn't want, and certainly never deserved. I don't know what our future will bring, but I love her tremendously and am in awe of her courage and strength.

But I'm struggling.  My wife is doing much better, less anxious about abandonment, letting me have my own life, raging at me less.  I've got better coping strategies and I'm better at asserting and maintaining my limits.  If she goes into attack mode, I can disengage gently and walk away.  She can cope with it on her own, and we can come back to issues of substance later.  We're having fun together again.  Our kids are in school and my wife just went back to work, which has made a huge difference.  But I'm still hypervigilant for any signs that her extreme behavior (so much like my mother's abuse, though not nearly so severe) is coming back.

I spent a couple days recently freaking out, on edge about the explosion I "knew" was coming, desperately making plans and grasping at straws to get out of a situation where I felt trapped-- because my wife was a bit withdrawn at dinner for a couple of days.  She'd started work, the family dynamic hand changed, and she was stressed, and she was coping with it *well* on her own.  But my past experience left me feeling like I was in acute danger. 

I ranted at friends, meditated, distracted myself, and waited it out-- and eventually figured out what was going on.  I told my wife, who was very understanding.  And I was like "well #@^%, I guess I do have c-PTSD." 

And so I'm here. I'm reading the forum.  But, how do you cope with it? How do you recover? How do you balance your own needs and the needs of your family, when you're in a situation that is not-entirely-safe/certainly-triggering/not-awful, and improving?   

Any thoughts or advice would be very welcome.

[Andyman73]

Welcome. Don't have any answers, cuz I don't know either. But I can say this, which I learned in another community...

Be gentle with yourself. We best ourselves up enough already, as it is....so be gentle and just live one day at a time. You weren't born yesterday, so, you won't get better tomorrow. Took a long time to get here, and will take the rest of your lifetime recovering.  Cptsd is like an addiction, in that while you may not be doing the behaviors, it stays with you forever. I've been sober since June 1st, 1996. But the urge to change that is always lurking in the dark depths of my mind. I've been living with the symptoms of cptsd since mid-1994.  However only this year have I discovered the cause of it all.

So...welcome to a group that cares!

[Three Roses]

Welcome! I believe educating yourself is the key. So many health care professionals are not trauma-informed, and there's SO much misinformation out there regarding CPTSD that it's necessary to arm yourself with information. This is a good place to find reference material that's informed and reliable.

Anything by Pete Walker is good stuff.
http://pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm

Dr Bessel van der Kolk's book "The Body Keeps The Score" I'd also so good that is almost call it required reading. The latter half of the book talks about different treatments for CPTSD. It's on YouTube to listen to for free - https://youtu.be/EKjBM6MxTKg Part 1, and https://youtu.be/KSo699qcHfQ Part 2

And lastly, we've got some printable documents here - http://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads/

So again, welcome, and thanks for joining!

[goth_mike]

Welcome!  I'd definitely agree with Three Roses above that knowledge is power when going though the initial stages of recovery.  But it looks like you have identified the problem so have a decent starting point - wishing you the best of luck in your journey through recovery!

[sanmagic7]

welcome, bran, very glad you found us.

as far as your questions go, i've gone one foot in front of the other.  information, knowledge, an open mind, and incredible support from the kind, caring people on this forum.  i've learned so much, not only about c-ptsd, but about me as well.  recovery is personal - everyone finds their own way at their own pace. 

it sounds like you are partnered with an amazing person, and that helps a lot.  the two of you working on this, well, i have no doubt you will get to where you want to go.  patience, small steps, kindness, and caring.   here's a hug if you want it   

[Sceal]

Hello!

I don't have many words today, but I just wanted to welcome you!