CPTSD stage 4517/B

[JamesG]

So, I'm working on this book about the brain. I knew it would be a tough one. To make it tougher than it needs to be, I have a client who is resentful of my biz partner, a biz partner who thinks that the burnout he's having isn't anything to do with him overbooking and an author who has supplied the worst image ref possible for a subject that is literally mind-boggling.

I blew my top last week to appeal for some logical working methods and yes, there were changes, but they lasted about 3 days before we drifted back to the default position. I made it very clear I was ill and that certain types of pressure, none of which should be present if we were running professionally, would cause me to become ill again. Well that didn't last.

I'm pretty angry right now because I can feel the relapse coming like a train and there is just no good reason for it. Not just that, but the editors, because they've taken on too much work, again, are now requesting the deadlines to go back. That means that we invoice later too. That in turn means I hit a financial wall around xmas day. So, essentially I am about to lose money because they both wanted to try and earn more.

This has gone on too long. The only way out of this now is to cut the chord and take my chances with some welfare options. That it has come to this is just the pits.

Not just that, but now my honesty about my health has been turned into condescension, part of an obvious defence against taking any responsibilty for the way these old patterns play out.

I have to get away from this. It's so bad for me.

Having said all that, the Cptsd nw feels less present, being replaced by the same old weariness I used to have before it flared badly back in jan. It's a kind of progress. But I know that my health now is totally linked to ending this partnership and doing something normal for my income. This just won't do.

People.... What a world it would be if people took responsibility.

[Rainagain]

Sorry to hear this james.

This is a rough gig, not only are people messing about in order to suit themselves but you have no control over their antics and it is impacting on you.

I would be full of rage, no wonder you have had enough.

[Three Roses]

I'm with you 100%! Do what feels right. They've made their bed, and you don't have to lie in it.

[sanmagic7]

 

[helliepig]

sorry to hear that James. It's hard trying to deal with your own stuff when you are in a bad environment.

It sounds like it would make anyone stressed, not just because of the PTSD!  Also, like many families. groups find the most sensitive person to be the scapegoat instead of examining the root causes, looks like that condescension is providing that outlet for them.

I know I have no idea what it's like there for you so these are just general suggestions, that may be wide of the mark for you.
Can you make any changes to your boundaries or something that refuses this role and the impossible demands, and pushes stuff back where it belongs? Like sending the stress back to the idiots that created it?  Horrible though it might be, is there any opportunity to use it to try something new? Sometimes I think it's uncanny how we end up replicating our traumatic family life in groups we're in  - either through initial choice of something familiar, or later, our own behaviours and we become almost paralysed, walking the old familiar steps we learnt to do in a family. So staying with it sometimes can be very useful to learn to be different - even while it's hard and frustrating.  I think we often try complaining or trying to point out what's wrong, and mostly other people don't listen. I've done tons of that and then it occurred to me that I was going to stop complaining and just take charge of how I behaved and I stopped doing something at work that I'd felt compelled to do. Quietly, no explanations, no show boating.

At first it felt very provocative and anxiety provoking and then I realised I was simply learning to hold a boundary and  that generally I would never get support or permission to do this - I had to learn to do it myself, with my own permission, for myself, because setting a boundary often makes things harder for others. Of course they weren't going to run around and make it easier for me until I put my own foot down and said no - and then they had to listen.  I've since seen how important that is generally, making my own choices and statements amidst disapproval  but that that gets far more attention and changes more things around me than all the moaning and complaining I used to do  (which was my lazy option as it was less scary than setting that boundary). More respect too - from me and them.

I find when something in the way I am changes then the situation at work starts looking, or even becoming, something a bit different. Even if we're not able to obviously influence things it's weird how often we can do just that , just by changing our steps in the game. We do have more power simply because we're part of the dynamic and much more than we think which is sometimes lost to us when we've grown up in a crazy situation we had no power over.

Am I reading you right that you're thinking of leaving and going on benefits? Just thinking that work - even bad work  -does give you things that welfare doesn't  - routine, company, a purpose, other stuff to think about, ( at least) and that maybe those things are worth preserving?  And that being on benefits might bring up a whole raft of things you aren't feeling or worrying about now?

Just random thoughts.x

[JamesG]

Hi Hellipig

thanks for that, I hear ya.

Tricky one this. It's essentially gone this way because we are a freelance team and not connected to any kind of external force that could rationalise it. My biz partner is a workaholic polymath, bit of a genius in his way but far too willing to push himself too hard at his and my expense. He's the writer editor and I'm the designer and illustrator. That means that I am tail end charlie and completely dependant on material being suppiled to me at the back end of the jobs. Also, our main client has gone through a series of ructions, each of which seemed to result in a worsening arrangement for us. Add to that my PTSD, and the conditions are ripe for chaos.

The only way out of this is for me to pull out and properly recover. My counsellor and doctor have said the same thing and my pal with PTSD has been nagging me to go on welfare to let my head recover. The work we are doing is madly complex and I can barely focus on it, that would be enough on its own but add in the bizarre work behaviour from my dream team of Sheldon Coopers and you have a recipe for a breakdown.

I've recovered a lot in that I know exactly what I've been through, know why, who what etc, but I now have a very basic need to just rest. This won't be full on welfare, the idea is to go part time and take the pressure off regarding income while I untangle myself from the biz. I'm going to do that for 6 months or so then go back to work, 9-5 part-time plus selective freelancing. That plus the sales on the novels and I should be fine.

It's just the nature of this industry that you get locked in for such long periods. Contracts take ages to work through so I'm locked into it until july! If they plan to do more books then we could find ourselves offered another advance and it will start all over again. I have to find the energy to break this pattern once and for all. It's the single biggest block to my progress now. I just have to strike a balance between work, art and a social life, but a social life seems a very distant thing right now, I'm pretty reclusive. So art it is.

The benefits people and the docs and counsellor are pretty on side with me so far tho, they take PTSD very seriously. I'm not spending that much apart from on beer, which I need to stop. There is an annoying dssconnect now between what I want to do and what I am doing, it's the last part of the puzzle. I know I can write well, I know it can sell, but my time is just floating past me in this mix of pressure and ambiguity. Going on benefits will reset the clock and let me back out under control without hitting a wall. Once I get the set up right, I will work like crazy and make the novels pay.

But for now, this crap.

[helliepig]

cool, you sound very clear about what you need and if your heart and soul are telling you to do this then you should
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