Denial and emotional enmeshment/manipulation by mother

[purplegiraffe]

I don't know how to get to a healthier place in this relationship.  Basically I've been overshadowed/dominated by my mother for many years.  She can be really loving and nice to be with, but it comes at a price, which is denial of or minimising past abuse.  When I've tried to confront her over the past - she's either said nothing, and later come back with a kind of 'reframed' reality which she says happened, or else she tells me what I've said isn't true and reframes it there and then. 

She has a very firm belief that she did the best she could bringing me up - but did once admit that she abandoned me emotionally when she met a new partner when I was aged about three (who picked on me pretty relentlessly at times).  There was barely any physical contact between us (ie no hugs) from when I was small till when she tried to hug me when I wanted to leave home at age 17, which I angrily stiffened at. 

I know there's no point going on and on about the past, but I've had mental illness which has been pretty severe at times and then on the phone the other day she was saying how hard it must have been for me (which I think she may only be realising a little because one of my siblings closer to her has been ill too and she and her partner are pulling out all the stops to support them), but straight away she then started saying how hard it had been for her to watch me being ill !!!!!  lol!!   I just can't take it seriously - it just seems like platitudes (if that's the right word?).

But at the same time, as having these mixed up feelings towards her, I know I've been emotionally dependent on the relationship - in fact I feel I've been groomed to be  - also groomed to be there for her to share about whats going on in her life.   Its complicated.  I don't feel my needs for nurturing ever got met and I have been hanging on for years somehow hoping, but I'm recognising I'm very angry with her.

Can anyone relate to this kind of enmeshment of boundaries?  I don't feel that I've been able to grow.  In fact if I show signs of growing in a particular direction, she tends to jump on what I'm doing and then it seems try to 'own' it as an experience for her, kind of like a jealous older sister (she's also admitted to me that she envies other people and then is determined to have what they have or do what they do so that she doesn't have to envy anymore). 

I feel like I'm hooked in so deep.  I don't have another person who would necessarily turn up and help out if I got ill at home for example.  I do have friends, but that's another story, as there are reasons I may be seeking another friendship group soon. 

Can anyone relate to this kind of enmeshment and undermining which can at times be confusing because of affection and 'love' or love-bombing??  I don't know if it really is love anymore when there hasn't been honesty over the degree of hurt that there's been.     

[purplegiraffe]

After writing the above, I've had a think.  It's complicated. I think our attachment went wrong and she's been like an older sister rather than a mother a lot of the time. 

Also, when I reread what I wrote, I wondered if I was 'tearing down' some of the good that there's been in the relationship, because of the bad stuff that's happened, if that makes sense.

[BlancaLap]

"I don't know how to get to a healthier place in this relationship.  Basically I've been overshadowed/dominated by my mother for many years.  She can be really loving and nice to be with, but it comes at a price, which is denial of or minimising past abuse.  When I've tried to confront her over the past - she's either said nothing, and later come back with a kind of 'reframed' reality which she says happened, or else she tells me what I've said isn't true and reframes it there and then. 
...
I know there's no point going on and on about the past, but I've had mental illness which has been pretty severe at times and then on the phone the other day she was saying how hard it must have been for me (which I think she may only be realising a little because one of my siblings closer to her has been ill too and she and her partner are pulling out all the stops to support them), but straight away she then started saying how hard it had been for her to watch me being ill !!!!!  lol!!   I just can't take it seriously - it just seems like platitudes (if that's the right word?).
But at the same time, as having these mixed up feelings towards her, I know I've been emotionally dependent on the relationship - in fact I feel I've been groomed to be  - also groomed to be there for her to share about whats going on in her life.   Its complicated.  I don't feel my needs for nurturing ever got met and I have been hanging on for years somehow hoping, but I'm recognising I'm very angry with her."

I relate to everything. My mother is the kind of person that is "super kind and super affective" and then... well... and I know I'm dependent on her and I know she doesn't feel real love for me despite what she says, and I know we don't have any kind of trust for each other. Our relationship is broken despite what she thinks. I don't trust her. Our relationship is based in fear and co-dependency. She tells me that it is hard for her to see me suffer (like, what?), she tells me that I make her suffer by being sad (again, what?), like she is the victim, she says that how could I do that to her (being sad) despite everything she has done for me (again, she is the center of the universe). She doesn't trust me at all. She talks behind my back. She acts lovable but then takes off her mask and shows how she really is. And it hurts so much... so much... I understand what you are going through and I'm so so sorry. What you say is right, if there is no trust, there is no love, at least no real love. Relationships like the one we have with our mothers are based on lies we tell to ourselves to stay away from the painful truth.

[BlancaLap]

I can see myself in you. I know it is confuse, because she acts lovable... but how she acts when she is stressed... that's the real her. How she can't handle your emotions, how she denies the past, or changes it, like nothing had happened. It makes me cry everytime I remember all the things she had said to me because I "made her suffer" by being sad. Everytime she gets angry for no reason, or doesn't trust you... remember, it's not your fault, because her behaviour doesn't make sense, and if it doesn't make sense, it is not your fault.

[purplegiraffe]

hi BlancaLap,

Sorry to hear that you've been through something similar with your mother. 

I am reminded that once I asked my mum about trust, and she said she trusts no one - but it isn't true because she trusts her partner, who was abusive.

It seems as if she's always got a quick answer that's difficult to refute if I try to talk to her, and it may not be a true answer but it is one she is willing to believe, perhaps because she just wants certain topics to go away.