scared of whats in my journal

[integrity]

I've been having lots of EFs/panic attacks lately. Just had one and was writing in my journal. It freaked me out. It was incoherent and disjointed but the theme seemed to be that there was some little girl inside who didn't want anyone to know what was happening to her and was hiding. She didn't trust anyone and I don't trust anyone. I tried to reassure her and thought by the end she felt better even though she was hiding.
But I just feel totally crazy. I felt crazy writing it. I feel like I've lost all sense of who I am. I've just started trying to confront my childhood trauma through EMDR, and I don't know if its making it worse (I've also had traumatic family stuff happening this year as I became more aware and started setting boundarie my mother has retaliated).
I'm also a bit worried I'm just making all this hidden child stuff up. Sometimes I think because I cant remember so much there might be trauma memories, but then I think I'm just being over dramatic.
I don't know.
Anyway it was freaky and made me feel totally insane. Can anyone relate to this? Have you had weird journal experiences?

[integrity]

I just realised maybe this is the wrong board but I'm not sure where to put it - feel free to move mods

[Three Roses]

Sometimes I go back and read stuff I've written and have the strangest feeling that someone else wrote it.

I know that talking to inner, invisible children may not be an accepted practice in the population at large, but here it's quite common. It's where all the damage and pain happened, and is frozen there so to speak. You-as-a-child did not get to process your pain and confusion with the help of a loving, trusted and helpful caregiver, and so it remains inside you. Talking to the child you were is helping you process that pain now; you can be that loving, trusted and helpful caregiver you lacked.

Keep posting, it's good to hear from you.

[integrity]

Three roses, thankyou for the reassurance and the warm welcome. That little girl is so scared and so confused. She doesn't know who she is and she doesn't trust anyone. It breaks my heart that she was left in that place and nobody helped her or talked to her.
Thank you again

[sanmagic7]

i agree with you, integrity, it is heartbreaking.  i can totally relate to having a little me who doesn't know herself.  that's not crazy.  like 3roses said, it's where our pain has been kept, and we're in the process of healing what was hurt.

i am an emdr therapist, and it's very common for these kinds of things to come up between sessions.  journaling can help, as well as the support from here.  may i suggest that you bring your journal along to your next session so that you can discuss it with your therapist?  hopefully, s/he can be of even more help to you.

you're not crazy, what you wrote isn't crazy.  it's just stuff coming up that's had to be buried in order to survive.   wishing you the best with this, and sending a warm, comforting hug to you.   i'm very glad you're here.

[integrity]

Thanks sanmagic, I think I will do that. I was feeling a bit ashamed about it, but you guys have reassured me.

[Andyman73]

I believe you, Integrity. And I want little integrity to know that she is completely safe here, She is believed and deserves to be heard. And she is not bad and is not her fault the things she went through.

[BlancaLap]

It happens to me: sometimes I write things in the middle of an EF and it's like I'm drunk hahahahaa Idk. You're not crazy don't worry. You are just normal, a normal person with C-PTSD. It's normal though that you may feel strange about reading it, as I said it happens to me too and to a lot of people. It is normal