I hurt my brother and I can't apologise

[BlancaLap]

*trigger warning*
I feel so so bad, because when I was young I would be very emotionally unstable and I did some things to my older brother that may seem traumatic. I remember that I used to get "angry" for stupid things and I would yell a lot and cry. I remember choking my brother with my hands as some kind of "joke" or wherever I got angry after seeing The Simpson's. That's only one example. I have done other things too, directly and indirectly, things that may have affected my brother.
I treated my brother really bad, and he would take it without saying anything. Now I can't even look at him at the eyes. I have no idea how all this affected him. And I want to say sorry, but I'm not that brave... I think I can't. I mean, I'm emotionally numb right now, I could do it, but I want it to be real, to be genuine, I want to feel sorry like I have felt before, and I want to say sorry because I feel it, but whenever I feel it, it is so much... I feel like I can't tell him how sorry I am for being such a horrible little sister. I don't care if he forgives me or not, I just hope he is ok now... like I said I have no idea how all this have affected him, but I hope it didn't affected him that much...
I don't know what I'm writting this. This will not change what I have done. I just hope he is better now...

[Blueberry]

First of all, I think it's really brave of you to even be looking at this issue and then admitting it here.   

I'm thinking of some of the healing steps from 12 Step programs: do a searching moral inventory of self, then various other things which mean getting yourself into a stable and safe position emotionally, and then admitting to these wrongs to the people we did them too and making amends where possible unless the people wronged or other people would be harmed by our admission / making amends. Undoubtedly there are different ways to interpret this, but I have been told by people who've worked long in 12 Steps and gone through all the steps again and again that other people being harmed by our admission / making amends can include ourselves. If admitting to these errors of our ways would de-stabilise ourselves to a big degree, it might be too early. It can be important to wait a while with this.

Also what if your brother went to your parents with the information? You could make yourself more vulnerable. Been there, done that    (not the blabbing, just the general situation).

***TRigger Warning***

Of course I imagine most people on here with childhood onset CPTSD would just love our parents to admit to their wrongs and apologise to us and ask if we're OK and try and help, so it could feel as if we're as bad as them if we don't, but there's a difference: they were (and are) adults doing all this stuff to us, you were 5 years old. I don't see how you can be responsible for what would be a sexual act between youths or adults when you were only 5 years old. Small children copy bigger ones, they explore especially when exposed too early to certain types of behaviour. In fact exposing children too early to sexuality, like showing them porn, is a form of sexual abuse! Idk if this was done to you but just saying.

***End TW***

Maybe you can find out in a more innocuous way how your brother is doing is now, without making yourself vulnerable right now. 

FWIW I have apologised to my older brother for something I did to him and long before that he apologised to me for a whole lot more. 

You say "I don't know what I'm writting this. This will not change what I have done." Actually I think it can change what you have done in that by admitting it to people here on the forum you are lessening the burden you have placed on yourself. You have maybe put one foot, or just your little toe, on the road to self-forgiveness. And especially you have opened up to others about something you feel bad about.

If my parents were to admit to how they harmed me to me, that would actually mean a lot to me. Even if I can't repeat my childhood, grow up again learning what I ought to have at the proper age (like self-confidence and how to set boundaries and things like that) and without all the abuse.

to you. If you can, do something self-soothing because you've just done a big step towards healing.

[BlancaLap]

"Also what if your brother went to your parents with the information? You could make yourself more vulnerable. Been there, done that (not the blabbing, just the general situation)."
I don't think that would happen, but maybe I'm wrong.

"Small children copy bigger ones, they explore especially when exposed too early to certain types of behaviour. In fact exposing children too early to sexuality, like showing them porn, is a form of sexual abuse! Idk if this was done to you but just saying."
Well, I  I used to see a lot of movies with my parents and in a lot of them were sexual scenes. I remember one time Iwas in the theaters watching a movie with a friend and my father and a sexual scene appeared and I cover my friend's eyes while covering my own eyes, and my father got angry at me and hit me in the hands.
I know I was a "complicated" child, but i had to endure a lot of abuse...
You say you don't have to do apologize too early, but I don't get it. What do you mean? Anyway, I already said that I will only try to apologize when I'm not numb, but I know it will be hard... I don't know if I will be able...
Anyway, thanks for your replie

[Blueberry]

I already said that I will only try to apologize when I'm not numb

I'm sorry, my mistake. I feared you would make yourself vulnerable and apologise too early for your own stability. Just because I tend to say things to FOO way way too early when I don't have enough stabillity  Over the years therapists and fellow-sufferers, including on here, have responded to me with "Good you wrote that letter for you but don't send it, you are making yourself way too vulnerable." But you are way ahead of the game and not doing that! So I'm sorry again. I shouldn't project my own mistakes onto other people.

Could it be that you weren't actually complicated? Could it be that the situation you grew up in was very complicated for you? Just a thought. Because it usually feels very complicated growing up in a situation with abuse. It's like 'difficult'. I was always told by FOO how 'difficult' I was. Well, actually I was constantly in a very difficult situation due to abuse, which was negated and denied. There are more people than me on here with this kind of impression of themselves, it seems pretty common for people with CPTSD.

The situation with your father in the movie sounds out of line to me, it's his behaviour I'm referring to as out of line.

About the situation with your brother, I still think you're very brave and obviously very honest to be writing about it here.  I hope that having opened up about it, with time, you feel less burdened by the weight of your memory of it. That doesn't mean I think you should 'forget it' or 'get over it'. I hope you soon have a therapist on your side to help you with your healing in general after that awful psychiatrist.
I hope I'm not projecting again here too or sounding too preachy lol.

[BlancaLap]

It doesn't matter. Thank you for your replie.
Yeah, I believe the situation I lived felt complicated and without resolution... and all that anxiety generated all the behaviout people saw and felt I was a "compicated" child.
Yeah, all my fathers actions are out of line...
I hope I can feel something soon! I can't stand being numb all the day, but I know the feelings I have are much worse. Right now I don't feel burdened by my actions against my brother, but I remember times that I wasn't nunb, the feelings were so horrible, the guilt...
I hope that too, that I have a good therapist.
Again, thank you for your replie.