blackaltis07's journal

[blackaltis07]

I have a LiveJournal but I always felt weird posting funny posting there since LJ is how I found out my ex-girlfriend was cheating on me...I never was able to do a paper journal since my thoughts outpaced how fast I was able to handwrite them down. I've been a member here for a few weeks now and I've found it immensely helpful being around other people that are in similar positions as I am so here goes.

My wife's father had an operation to have kidney cancer removed. I've kept my C-PTSD under wraps for pretty much our entire 13 year relationship (four years married), we've been together since I was about 19, and I've been trained to suffer in silence by my parents well before I met her. I'm sure that's quite common. But since the summer keeping it inside has been unbearable. I see a psychiatrist and a therapist for another mental health diagnosis that I've had for about ten years and I've always known on some level that I've had PTSD as well...the symptoms have been there since I was four. But now that I've been diagnosed my wife acts like she can't be bothered to support me with this; or worse, since I hid it so well for so long, when I read between the lines, it's like she thinks I'm faking. She was minimally supportive of the bipolar disorder but with the C-PTSD whenever I tell her I'm having a flashback or anything like that she looks at me like I'm lying to her. The shame of having this illness is bad enough, but to be accused of faking it? That's more than I can take.  So I'm back to faking a happy disposition, especially since her father is sick. He's going to be ok, thank God, but I'm stuck feeling intense shame that I'm faking this dreadful illness, and especially when her father is sick. This is all on top of the shame I feel from having this illness in the first place, the shame that I'm sure you're all familiar with.

Now all the signs point to this being real. My doctor says so. My therapist says so. I know I'm not faking. I wake up with a flashback every day, and get multiple ones to follow throughout the day, both visual and emotional. I get horrible nights' sleep most days during the week because of nightmares. The abuse my father put me through from the time I was a toddler until the time I was 23 and moved out was all too real. But the way my wife dismisses all of this just hurts so much. I have a hard time feeling close to and trusting people anyway, including her, but this is just pushing me further and further away. Honestly, no, I don't trust her to look after my emotional well being. No, I don't trust her enough to share my problems with her. And after being together thirteen years, I think that's really sad.

Perhaps when things are more stable with her father we can try couples therapy but for now I'm back to suffering in silence...after the judgement that was put on me when I started to let it out for the week after I was diagnosed I can't put myself through that again. Aside from this place and seeing my therapist (only once every two weeks) I have nowhere else. So to those who have read this far, thank you so much.

[DecimalRocket]

Hi Black. (Can I call you that?)

You're going through a pretty difficult time. I and many of us in the forum go through similar experiences. Experiences where we doubt that we have it bad. Experiences where we are hurt at someone who does not believe us. Experiences where we feel that no one trusts or cares for us. It is an unfortunate thing to feel cut off from people this way — but I promise people here will trust and believe you. At least, I do.

I'm not forcing you to do so — but the term for someone who makes you believe that you're not actually feeling hurt  is a type of gaslighting. You can search it online if you want to know more.

Good luck, black. See you.

[blackaltis07]

Thank you Decimal. And yes, you can call me Black   

I've always heard the term 'gaslighting' but never knew what it meant. It definitely seems appropriate here. I'm sure she doesn't mean to do it on purpose, it just feels like she's only supportive of my mental health when it's convenient for her, which doesn't really help me.

I've really been struggling with the idea of being selfish needing support with my C-PTSD while her dad is recovering from his cancer but I can't think of anything else I can do to show that I'm there for her and her family...I shoved all my issues back deep down and put on a happy face, as painful as that has been, so that she can focus on her father. I've focused on taking care of our daughter when she needs to be with her family. I've cooked for us and for my in-laws while her father was having his surgery done. His Christmas decorations were strewn all over the place by the wind while he was in the hospital so I went over to his house with the ladder and fixed all of them. Christ, I even offered him one of my kidneys in the oft chance that his remaining one isn't up to the task of filling the function of the one that was removed. Yes, I quit drinking partially out of fear that I would use it as a crutch for the C-PTSD, but also partially to keep my kidneys healthy in case my father-in-law should need one. I just don't know what else to do. I just feel like the least I could get in return is a little support and understanding from my own wife. I don't need for her to have me cry on her shoulder every night, but just to have her not look at me like I'm crazy every time I tell her I've just had a flashback would be a start. A little compassion would go a long way.

[Three Roses]

First of all... This is an injury, not an illness. Secondly, you deserve compassion - from other humans in general but especially from those you've chosen to be your family.

You say your fil is going to be okay, so maybe now would be an okay time to start moving toward a more equitable relationship with your w. You say it's been 13 years - do you want it to be 15? Just something to think about.

Do you think there's a chance your w is a narcissist? https://youtu.be/vcWvJmWIlo0

It's painful and difficult, the spot you're in. We support you wholeheartedly.

[blackaltis07]

Thanks guys. What I want more than anything, and what I don't think I've ever had, is to finally and truly feel safe. I definitely never had it as a kid, and I don't have it now. I've come close a few times but there have always been strings attached...I'm tired of being on my guard. I've been on my guard every day since I was four. It's exhausting I wish I knew what it was like to truly feel safe.

[blackaltis07]

So Thanksgiving came and went without much drama, thank god. But Sunday I'm supposed to have a second Thanksgiving dinner with my wife's friends, which I am absolutely dreading. Basically it consists of my wife's sister, her husband, who is the most unpleasant, self-centered, narcissistic * I've ever met, and their college friends. This includes the ex-boyfriend of the former friend who sexually assaulted me (I'm pretty sure he still doesn't know that happened, as it happened while they were together), and who I've been told harbors a resentment against me for remaining friends with his ex, although I know now that I did that due to my own low self esteem. Needless to say, I don't like these people very much, let alone trust them. I find them shallow and judgemental.

I don't trust people very often. I thought I could trust my brother by telling him about my C-PTSD, but while we were out of town for our cousin's wedding, I overheard him making fun of my idiosyncrasies to an aunt when he thought I was taking a nap. There went that trust. I trusted somebody in that group I'm seeing Sunday to be a friend, but when I found out that he had been texting with my brother-in-law, who I despise more than anyone in the world, that all went out the window as well. Now I know that I can't control who people do and don't talk to, but the sense of abandonment I felt when I found out that these two were talking just brought be right back to the abandonment I felt when I was a kid. So I don't really speak to this friend anymore either. He's always been very iffy anyway, I always felt like I had to be careful what I said around he for fear of offending him. There was the friend that assaulted me, but after eight years of flashbacks I just couldn't make excuses for keeping him in my life anymore. Our friendship should have ended the night he violated me.

I always had difficulty making friends as a kid. I never had any. I always envy my wife and brother and how they still have friends from college, high school and even earlier than that to this day. I never had that because I could never bring myself to get close enough to anyone to call them a friend. When I got to college I decided to go out on a limb and decided that the best way to deal with it was to find a girlfriend, anyone, any girlfriend, no matter who, anyone that was willing to be with me. And so I found my ex-girlfriend. I was living in West Philly at Drexel at the time an she went to La Salle, and we met through my roommate. She was my first everything. Unfortunately, she was from Oregon and left for the summer. Stupid me, I followed her out there for a week, and it didn't take long after I got back to find out that she had been cheating on me with a high schooler. So all the trust that I had put into our four month relationship, all the work that had gone into letting my guard down enough to allow myself to love her was destroyed just like that.

Even today, the only people I really trust are my wife (cautiously, things have gotten a little better since my last post) and a close friend that I met in the psychiatric hospital back in 2008. This friend has been through a lot of the same things that I have and I trust her implicitly. That's it. Two people. I wish I knew how to let people in, but as things stand right now, I just can't let people get close to me. And the way I am, I just can't imagine that they would want to, anyway.

[blackaltis07]

Well I made it through the weekend. My wife really didn't have much choice but to come around...I went into my therapist's office Wednesday after having pretty serious suicidal thoughts all day...not about my wife, just being fed up with my whole situation. I just couldn't see myself ever getting better. I had it in my head that if I were to get better in 30 years, I would have already. The pain was so bad Wednesday morning (I won't go into specifics) that I almost did something. I decided to wait until the afternoon to see my therapist and talk to her and although the thoughts didn't completely go away, at least I know I have my wife on my side. She's been quite supportive and compassionate since my therapist and I talked to her together, and a little compassion and understanding was all I was after. I do see her point of view though: after keeping all of this inside for so long, she doesn't really understand it. I just didn't think she wanted to. But now that I know she does, we can move forward.

We went to Philly for our yearly Christmas activities, and as usual, the crowds of people took their toll on me. It seemed to be even worse this year for some reason. I'm glad we went, as I do love going into the city, but the crowds and loud noises, especially on the train, were tough. I was glad to get back to the suburbs.

Last night was dinner with my wife's friends. They're not alcoholics or anything, but they polished off almost a case of wine getting louder and louder while I sat there quietly with my diet soda. My brother-in-law was there, just as I knew he would be, and I was fine until midway though dinner when my 5:00 flashback happened and I had to get past him to get to the bathroom to calm down. Just getting that close squeezing past his chair to get by made it that much worse. I know that he's a relative and that's something I have to live with, but I really can't choose who triggers me and who doesn't. I feel like such an outsider with this group anyway, even without the C-PTSD. The C-PTSD just makes it worse. Just as I was leaving they stopped me to take a group photo, and I almost asked them why they wanted me in it, as nobody addressed me directly the entire night except for my wife. I haven't felt that uncomfortable and out of place in a while. The overwhelming sense that I was in danger just being around these people was so powerful. But as strong as that was, I feared the confrontation of causing a scene even more, so I put on a faint smile and sat quietly in my chair.

I left early to pick up my daughter from my in-laws and put her to bed and the sense of threat that had been building bubbled over in the car and I thought I was going to have a panic attack while I was driving. I was so upset that as soon as I got home I went into the bathroom and threw up my entire dinner. I sincerely hope that I don't have to end up in a situation like that with these people again soon.

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry about what all you've been going through since yesterday.

I really understand those triggers, just when you're too close physically to certain people. I get them too with certain members of FOO.

I really hope you can avoid a situation like that again with those relatives. That you can find a way to maybe be somewhere else when they come over, that's just one idea. You know what could be feasible for you, probably your T can help there.

In the meantime I hope it helps you to know that you are heard and understood and welcomed on here at OOTS. Can I give you a safe  ?

[Kizzie]

Your post brought back memories for me of when I did not have anyone or anywhere I could say these things and be heard, understood, validated and supported.   So many of us can relate to having suicidal thoughts, of becoming physically ill being around certain family members, and of feeling like an outsider.  Like Blueberry I hope it does help to be able to write about what you experience and feel   

[blackaltis07]

Thank you guys! I don't know where I would be if I hadn't found this board. Coming here I don't feel so alone and crazy as I did when I left that dinner the other night. I couldn't believe how horrible being around those people made me feel. My therapists wants me to stop by this afternoon so I'll discuss it there too for sure.

I really do have an issue with being touched. I almost feel selfish for how selective I am with who I let touch me and who I don't but I just can't help it...people that I'm really close to; my wife, obviously, and her father, who I adore, I don't have a problem with. I love when my wife hugs me, and I shake my father-in-law's hand every time I see him. But if it's someone I don't trust, or worse, don't like or don't know, then I can't stand it. I'm back in school and will be for the next two years, but when I was working and going on job interviews, the initial handshake was the worst. I knew that it was something that I just had to do so I just did it, but it was something I dreaded, having somebody I didn't know touch my hand when I was already nervous and vulnerable anyway. It's funny though, because I've been told that I have a very firm and masculine handshake. I guess I overcompensate a bit.

When I'm "on my guard" I don't want to be touched by anyone, my wife included, but if I'm jolted awake after a nightmare, I just want to be held until I calm down and fall back asleep. Is that weird?

Being in those crowds in Philly, which was maddening enough, was made worse by all the incidental touching that came with bumping into all those strangers on the street. And bumping into my brother-in-law on the way into the bathroom the other night was enough to physically repel me. I avoid shaking his hand at all costs, that's how much I dislike and distrust him. If that makes me an *, then I'm an *. I can't control who triggers me. And he's done nothing over the entire time that I've known him to change my mind about him.

[Blueberry]

If that makes me an *, then I'm an *. I can't control who triggers me.

No, you can't control who triggers you. It doesn't make you a whatever you wanted to call yourself, it makes you someone who is standing up for himself, his health and his own best interests as well as he can!   

When I'm "on my guard" I don't want to be touched by anyone, my wife included, but if I'm jolted awake after a nightmare, I just want to be held until I calm down and fall back asleep. Is that weird?

No, I don't think it's weird. This CPTSD is well complex  In different situations there are different soothing methods that work and there are different triggers. I hope this makes sense. I feel I'm not describing well.

And he's done nothing over the entire time that I've known him to change my mind about him.

IME you can trust your own judgement here.

Being in those crowds in Philly, which was maddening enough, was made worse by all the incidental touching that came with bumping into all those strangers on the street.

This used to be very triggering for me too. You are not alone.
And being selective about who can touch us is just a way of protecting ourselves. That's not wrong for anybody, but especially not for us after all we've been through.

[blackaltis07]

So I've been working on what I can say to my self, and to my inner child, when I'm having an emotional flashback, which these days is several times a day. I'm trying to be compassionate to myself, and it's not always practical to say these things out loud to myself, so I thought I'd write them here so I can pull them up and read them to myself.

"You're OK. What you're feeling is from the past. You're in the present now.
You're a sweet, lovable boy. You don't deserve this pain.
I know it hurts. No one was there to protect you then but I'm here to protect you now.
You deserve love. You may not feel like it, but you do. There are people out there that care about you.
Think about your daughter. If there's anyone in the world that loves you unconditionally, it's her.
You're stronger than you realize. You've dealt with this your whole life and you're still here."

If I think of any more, I'll edit this post.

[Three Roses]

Oh, Black, how beautiful!! My eyes got misty and stung, and that doesn't ever happen to me. 

I say similar things to my inner child and keep a stone in my pocket to touch for those times I can't talk out loud to myself.

[Blueberry]

Good going blackaltis! Wonderful words for little you.

[DecimalRocket]

It's a wonderful thing to focus on having compassion on yourself even admist all the pain. It's such a comfort, a relief and a gift. Glad you're doing better with it.