blackaltis07's journal

[blackaltis07]

Thanks for the kind words everyone! I've never felt such a sense of belonging anywhere else before.

I definitely had to put my last post to good use today. To give a little backstory, I was laid off from my last job around this time last year. Good riddance, it was full of horrible, toxic people and I was relieved when it ended. I ended up using it as an opportunity to change careers, and my state has a program that lets qualified unemployed people attend college on the state's dollar while collecting unemployment checks for up to a year. So I've been doing that for the past year, and will be receiving my associate's degree in Computer Science at the end of December. I was accepted into a highly regarded four year college to continue my computer science education, but as unemployment runs out in two weeks, I will have no income unless I find I job. I found out that the state will not continue to pay tuition if they find out that I have a job. That's fine, I can't expect any more from them after they basically paid for me to get my associate's degree for free.

So that left me with two options: take out a student loan for the next step, or ask my father for help. For those of you who have been following my story, my father is the reason I have C-PTSD...he was absolute abusive monster from the time I was a toddler until the time I was 24 when I moved out. By some miracle, I found it within myself to try to develop an adult relationship with him, and by some further miracle, it actually worked; we can actually go out and have drinks together and such and function as a father and his grown up son typically should. I obviously still don't trust the guy, even though he's become much more mellow in his own age, and he's blown up on me on several occasions since, sending my back to the mindset of the abused kid, flashbacks and all.

I chose to ask him for help, mainly because after my mother died, she left him with a very large sum of money, a large portion of which was supposedly earmarked for my brother and I to assist us particularly for occasions such as going back to school, needing help starting a family, buying a first home, etc. So I felt justified in asking him for help, as scared as I was, And it turned out that I was justified too in being scared. Although the yelling didn't escalate to the point that it might have when he was the abusive monster he was when I was a kid, it was enough turn mentally turn me into that scared 5 year old boy willing to say anything to placate his lunatic father. He grudgingly agreed to help me, and although he didn't scream, his tone of voice just make me feel absolutely horrible and triggered a flashback almost immediately.

I just hope that I haven't sold my soul to the devil. The last time, the abuse could have ended well before I was 24, but I felt I had no option but to stay with him as he was paying for my school back then too. I'm worried about being indebted to the man that caused the C-PTSD in the first place, and being trapped all over again, even though we don't live together. I suppose that if things really got bad I could just tell him to keep his damn money and I would just take out my own loan.

I can't believe how triggering this man still is on me all these years later. Sure, we have a good relationship on the surface, but everything just below that surface it still very triggering and very upsetting.

[sanmagic7]

well, blackaltis, i hope it works out for you.  sounds like a bit of a risky business.  i do hope you don't have to undergo anymore of those outbursts because of this.  i know money can do weird things to people. 

just be careful, ok?  sending a hug filled with care and warmth. 

[Blueberry]

blackaltis, I can relate to this. I notice I can't say more about why I relate. But be careful and stay safe. It's not an easy road to travel, still being in contact with abusive FOO and accepting money, when FOO hasn't changed.

i hope your 5 yo self is feeling safe again. 

[blackaltis07]

Thanks everyone. As much as I want to believe he's changed over the fast few years, I can only speculate as to how much. Sure, we can go out to dinner and have a good time, but when it comes to the unpleasant stuff, there's no guarantee that the old Dad won't come out to play. My wife pointed out to me, and she's right, that he didn't actually scream at me over the phone, but my brain has been wired through years of abuse to take his stern, agitated tone as the same thing. I need to remember that I'm an adult now and that I can tell him to get lost and take out a student loan if I need to. Either way, I'm going to be paying someone back, whether it be my dad or a bank.

This is what happens when I trust too easily, I tend to get hurt, which is why I tend not to go out on a limb on trust much in the first place. I just thought that since I've made so much apparent progress with the man over the past few years he'd be a little more understanding. Ever since I started this process with going back to school he's been quite supportive. But if this turns out to mean more abuse, then I'm not going to stand for it. I just wish I didn't flash back to my childhood so quickly. I've been a mess since yesterday.

[blackaltis07]

I'm tired of being such a burden to everyone. My wife, my in-laws, everyone. I make horrible decisions. I'm horrible with money and I'm still paying the price from my last indiscretion. Going back to school should in principle yield a better situation for my family and I but I have to get through the next two years first...if I had stood up to my parents and studied what I wanted in the first place I wouldn't be in this situation now. My wife has agreed to be more supportive but I feel like she's already reaching her limit with me. I feel like she and my daughter would be better off without me. Everyone would. I feel like such a waste of space. So worthless. Just when things start to get the slightest bit better something minor happens and my damaged brain makes it a million times worse than it actually is and I fall right back apart, dragging everyone around me down with me. I'm sick of it. Not only for myself, but for all those that actually care about me. The guilt is incredible. I can't do this anymore.

[sanmagic7]

dear blackaltis, i'm so sorry for your pain.  it sounds like you're in a pit right now.  i think, possibly, could it be related to the conversation with your dad?  could you be in the midst of an ef at the moment?

if so, that would be good cause for distorted thinking, shadowed reasoning, not being able to see that you have a plan in case abuse goes along with the money.  you mentioned that you're an adult, and you can take out a loan if you have to. ( that's how i went back to school, so i know it's do-able).  that's a show of personal strength right there.

but if we fall into an ef, it's hard to remember those positives we believed about ourselves just the day before.  hang tough, blackaltis.  you're not alone.  you've got help to get you thru this.   sending you a hug filled with clarity and love.

[DecimalRocket]

Ah, black. I wish I knew more of what to say. Here's a hug. 

You're worth it. You've been always worth it and always will be. Every human being has the right to be worth something, and you're trying your best here.

It's fine if you feel otherwise. It takes time.

See you, black.

[Blueberry]

Blackaltis, this sounds like an EF to me. I agree with san, quite possibly brought on by the contact with your father the other day.

You are not worthless, you are not a waste of space, and you are not a burden. These are things you undoubtedly heard from members of FOO when you are growing up, that's all. They are not the truth about you.

Here are Pete Walker's Steps for Managing EFs, number 1 and numbers 8 onwards are possibly most applicable for you atm http://pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm

[blackaltis07]

Well it's been an interesting past few days. I promise that one day I'll be in a position not to be so needy on this board and take take take from you wonderful people every time I post. I'm truly sorry.

I ended up in the hospital Sunday night. I'll spare you the details of what I was planning to do to myself but I'll just say that the suicidal thoughts that I posted about a while back came back to stay over the weekend and I had to go to the emergency room to stay safe from myself. They didn't trust me enough to send me home that night so I had to stay over. The thoughts of being a burden to my wife and my family just wouldn't go away and I knew that if I didn't do something to protect myself from them that there would be a real problem. I called my wife to tell her where I was and she was understandably hysterical, but it made my feel incredibly guilty on top of everything else. She came in to see me and I just broke down...it all came out. They discharged me the next morning and already I couldn't calm down...it's the end of the semester at my college and even having just been discharged from the psych ward I couldn't cut myself a break. I've been frantic about projects and final exams on top of everything else. I know this isn't making any sense but my mind is playing the past few days over in my head and my fingers are going as fast as they can to keep up to get it down here.

I know my wife supports me. I just don't know how to relax. I've been so caught up in my schoolwork on top of all the C-PTSD symptoms that now I really don't know how to calm down. Last night I had to force myself to step away from it and it took hours to calm down. The flashbacks related to school are brutal...some of the worst abuse I endured at the hands of my parents when I was a kid revolved around school and what they considered to be subpar grades. So now I hold myself to an impossibly high standard. Even putting in what feels like superhuman effort into my computer science classes while trying to manage my C-PTSD just never feels like enough. All day today I felt like I way on the brink of a panic attack, even though I got a seemingly good amount done. I did see my therapist and we did work on some ways to relax, and some ways to stop the way I catastrophize things, I just have to use them.

Again, I'm sorry for the rambling, I know I'm not making any sense.

[Three Roses]

You're making perfect sense, and that's why we're here - to help each other. We've been in need ourselves. 

I'm glad you took the steps to make sure you were safe.

[sanmagic7]

you made perfect sense to me, too.

so glad you kept yourself safe.  you're valuable here as well as everywhere else. 

i had some of that 'never good enough' stuff around my grades when a kid.  impossible expectations i've tried to live up to most all my life.  that's what really helped me get sick, break down, and eventually not be able to work.  i took charge when i finally made my own expectations for me, ones that are realistic concerning the state of health i have.

i hope you will eventually be able to detach from those unrealistic expectations - i don't want anyone to end up like me.  yeah, i used to get a lot done, people would always ask me how i did it - well, i kept pushing myself beyond my limits.  i started paying the price by the time i was  in my 40s, when my body began faltering, and eventually breaking down.

now, i'm much more tuned in to what my mind and body are telling me, take as many breaks as i need, and, altho i may never be physically healed anymore, at least i can enjoy a few hours out with my daughter, or spend a holiday at her place.  just a couple of months ago i wasn't able to do that.  i had to miss my 70th birthday because i was worn out from doing other stuff.

go slow, be easy on yourself, and you can rewrite that old script you were raised with.  when you're ready, of course.  you are the most important and very precious.  big hug to you. 

[Blueberry]

Your post made perfect sense to me too!

I don't notice you being particularly needy here!

Good on you for going to ER to remain safe. 

[blackaltis07]

Thanks everyone. I'm calmer tonight. I just can't wait for the end of the semester to come next week, hopefully it will come with my associate's degree in hand. I don't absolutely need it as I've already been accepted to the four year school that I want to go to and I'm already registered for my spring classes there and everything, but I've worked my butt off to get good grades at the community college since I started there in January and I would be so disappointed in myself if I Ieft there without a degree.

This just takes me back to when I was a kid, and in fact, the flashbacks about it are in full swing...anything less than a B to my parents may as well have been an F, and I would be sent to my room to hear them ranting loudly all night about how stupid I was. Now I hold myself to the same standard that they held me to, and it's been particularly tough this semester, as my psychiatric issues have made my schoolwork extremely difficult. When I was in the psych ward, they gave me the option of putting myself down for inpatient treatment, but the thought of missing the last week and a half of the semester and getting Incompletes in all my classes (and thus delaying getting the associate's degree, which again I don't even really need) in my head automatically made this option not viable, even if deep down I knew I really needed it.

So instead, I'm trying to take it slow, tackle the studying a little at a time, and work in time to take care of myself. It's the best I can do at this point.

[blackaltis07]

I'm back after a week, and I've made a little bit of progress, and even though it's only been a little bit, I'm trying to be OK with that.

I saw my psychiatrist a week ago from today and I filled her in about what happened leading up to me ending up in the hospital. The symptoms were pretty unbearable, along with a new one: crippling anxiety, which would otherwise lead up to a panic attack, but on these couple occasions leading up to my appointment last Saturday, instead of me breaking down crying, I would get this overwhelming sensation at the peak of the anxiety of me rising out of my body and watching myself as if I were a spectator looking down at myself from above. My psychiatrist told me it was a form of dissociation. Between that, the hypervigilance, the startle reaction, the nightmares, and the constant flashbacks, she convinced me to try Prazosin, which I have been on for the past week. It's definitely made a difference, and has at least helped me to get through my final exams.

Speaking of which, this has been the hardest semester of school I have ever been through because of my mental health, and my grades reflect that. I will pass all of my classes except for one, which I will fail unless my professor, who I have made clear what my situation is, takes pity on me and gives me a D. And if she fails me I will just have to be OK with that and accept that I tried my absolute hardest and fought through a very difficult situation. My wife is aware of the situation and although I am worried sick about disappointing her, she knows I tried my hardest. And besides, I already have been accepted into the four year school of my choice and nothing will take that away from me at this point.

I have spent the past few days since school ended trying to be kind to myself and practice the new coping skills my therapist and I have been working on. I know that this is something that is going to take a long time to work through, but I had my first flashback tonight after not having one in almost a week and I felt an overwhelming feeling of disappointment in myself, like somehow I haven't been trying hard enough or that there was something I overlooked.

Anyway, like I said, progress. Not as much as I would like, but progress nonetheless.

[DecimalRocket]

Hey black, that sounds incredibly tough. The symptoms seem like they're piling up and it's heartbreaking for me to see. Glad the Prazosin works though. You need all the help you can get.

I also have some difficulty with my classes. Trying to deal with both CPTSD and formal education is extra baggage. Especially with the EFs creating a pretty distressing distraction to it. I know the feeling.