The eternal question

[BlancaLap]

Don't you feel like you don't know what's happening? That you don't know why it's happening what it's hapenning? That you wish you knew exactly what to do to end the conflict/ end the bullying/ please everyone/ be loved/ feel safe/ end the abuse? Don't you ask these questions all the day and spend hours if not every hour asking to yourself what to do? Don't you feel unsure about everything and you wish you were like the "cool kids" or like the "healthy people"? Don't you wish you could change yourself to be what they are and you aren't (confident, strong, healthy, cool...)?
I used to... now I know the problem was that I didn't know ANYTHING. I wasn't aware of what was really happening! I mean, I had an idea, I though I knew... but it turned out I was completely wrong. The thruth is I didn't understand. And that's exactly the point: you don't know what to do because you are not aware of what is happening. In my case, I wasn't aware of my true feelings, I wasn't aware of what I was really doing, I wasn't aware of why the people did what they did because I wasn't aware of their feelings either. My only wish now... is to be more aware. Because that's what tells you what to do: reality, and by reality I mean everything: your feelings, the others' feelings... And if you are insecure and don't know what to do in every * situation, I believe it is because of the same reason as I. Please replie if you understood what I was talking about.

[Rainagain]

I think I understand.
For many years I was a pretty difficult person, I had armoured myself not to feel emotion and viewed the world as a threatening place.
I didn't understand myself, or my reactions and people were basically threat or non threat.

People would say I was Ill but I dismissed them as trying to destabilise me, I would avoid people who I saw as threat and I would cut people off from me instantly if they triggered my threat antennae.

I was operating without understanding.

Like an animal or a robot.

I didn't envy happy people, I thought they needed to wake up and see the threat.

I think I had PTSD in those days, I then had the experiences that caused me cptsd and I'm even less OK now.

But I am much more aware now, I realise I have problems and I accept them.

[BlancaLap]

I relate to your comment. You're right. It's like you're a robot, like you're functioning in automatic pilot. For me, I had things like headaches or stomach ache every day, but I wasn't aware that I had them every day. Now I see it and I say: "wow, I used to have stomach ache everyday". It's like you're not in the present.
I think I didn't explain myself very well in this post... sorry. It's a complicated issue and I'm not quite sure how to explain it.
What I'm trying to say is that I used to not be in the present, but I wasn't aware that I wasn't in the present. I though I knew why people used to not like me, but I was wrong. In every social situation, I was very insecure: like I used to analyze everything and try to "guess" what was the "correct thing" to do.
It's... hard for me to explain it. Maybe I'll post another post later explaining it better if I can..

For me, being in the present is hard, because it means to stop thinking what will happen in the future, to stop analyzing what may happen, to guard down... so it feel dangerous. It feel dangerous to be in the present...

For me, it was like every action I made was orientated to prevent thr bullying/ abuse I suffered. If I had good grades? It was so people would be happy at me. If I exercise? It was to stay in shape so people would like me. If I go to parties? It was because everyone else went to parties and I wanted to be part of the group. Every action was unconsciously orientated to please people or to "protect" me from possible future abuse or rejection. So I wasn't myself. I though I was in danger. I didn't know what feeling safe was like. I didn't do the things I did because I really wanted to do them, but, as I said, I did them to protect myself.

[Three Roses]

It has been difficult and painful for me to get in touch with who I really am, underneath the layers of self protection and masquerading as who I think society wants me to be instead of  who I really am. But it's been so, so worth it. And, with authenticity, I am also finding that I feel safer.

[BlancaLap]

You convince yourself that if you find the magic formula to please people you'll finally feel safe, be safe. But that's not how it works...
My first year in the university, I couldn't handle the pressure, the pressure to please, to do whatever I could to be safe... so I convince the people to let me make a partial enrollment/registration (Idk how to say it - matrícula parcial), because that way I only had two subjects (physics and geography), so I didn't have to be with my classmates every day, at every hour. So I felt free, because on one hand, I had a class to attend, but on the other hand, I didn't have the need to socialize with the people, bc: 1) it is the uni, it is different from the school, everybody is different and people respect that, so if you go and don't socialize, nobody cares. People there go to learn, not to socialize; especially people who are older and don't fit with their younger classmates 2) I only had two subjects, I didn't see my classmates that much, people would understand that I didn't have the need to socialize with them.
Snd it was true, people respected that. On one hand, I still felt like I was part of the class, but on the other hand, I felt like people respected me (it's not like I talked to no one, I knew a few people, but i didn't feel the need to be with someone so people wouldn't think I'm some sort of weirdo or outcast. I isolate myself and I ended up finding myself. No longer I had the need to please, I already felt safe. It was some sort of being with people without being with them.
After that it all started to make sense to me, but... bad things happened... not in the university but rather at home... and it was like my recovery stopped and I came back to the feeling of danger.
Now it's my second year at the university, new class... This year I know everyone in my class, I'm part of the class, even though I socialize with my classmates and talk to them and be with them (although I go to class like 1 day per week), I feel more in danger than my last year. I wish I could start making progress one more time in my recovery journey...
Please, replie if you can relate to something or you understood

[BlancaLap]

Thank you for the replie

[Resca]

For me, being in the present is hard, because it means to stop thinking what will happen in the future, to stop analyzing what may happen, to guard down... so it feel dangerous. It feel dangerous to be in the present...

I completely resonate with this Blanca, and I agree that it feels incredibly dangerous to stop planning and preparing. For a long, long time, analyzing the circumstances and trying to plan an escape route was the only way I (and I imagine maybe you, too) had to ensure that any potential damage was minimized. We always had to be looking forward because it was the only way to know when we needed to armor-up and get in the defensive position. It was the only way to protect ourselves.

I think forward-thinking becomes a habit. It feels productive and safe. But it also alienates you from the present, which can be bad in its own way. It's like you said, you aren't aware that you aren't in the present until you suddenly are aware, and then you feel even more insecure and exposed. And how they heck are you supposed to give into the present when it feels so wrong, right?

I guess what I mean to say is that you aren't alone, and I would argue that what you're experiencing is the natural response to your previous experiences. I know that doesn't make it easier or less painful, but I hope it helps you feel less weird. My hope for you is that you come to feel safe someday.

[BlancaLap]

Thank you for the replie, it means a lot to me, especially with this issue, since it is what has been bothering me all this months. For me, being in the present is the answer, but for all this months, I couldn't, and it made me fear that I would be stuck like this the rest of my life. And yes, it is like me and you said: you aren't aware until you're. Good luck with your recovery too, and thank you again, it means a lot to me