dealing with conflict

[helliepig]

I wanted to write about the difficulties I have with conflict because I've just had a silly little run in with someone that is typical of how I react.
it's like someone says something and instead of being able to hang onto my sense of proportion I just end up reacting defensively, triggered into a bit of a mess and then I have feelings of rage or hopelessness or shame that last for ages and make me play it over and over in my head.

Just by way of example, (a bit silly and really no big deal, except for how I feel - and because it's silly you can't really talk to anyone to make you feel better about it cos they think you're making a big deal out of nothing..)   this morning I'm walking my dogs in the country and one of them starts to do his business. A lady I know  was riding her horse down the lane and before the poor dog had even finished she started with "let's see if Helen is going to use a bag to pick this up" . No,  "hello, how are you? ". It was almost as if she couldn't wait to get in there with her snarky comment...

Now the silly thing on hindsight now I can think I realise I wouldn't have just left the mess there and was feeling a bit embarrassed at my dog doing it in front of her so was on the back foot a bit. I was also taken aback.  (Not that it was even any of her business.  Who goes around saying that to people anyway, it's just silly? )  But immediately I felt guilty. Even more than that something weird happens, which is hard to describe. I completely lost sight of the fact that i was going to clear it up and just totally reacted like I was guilty as charged, as if  i'd been caught red handed. I've noticed this before. In my family for example my sister would say something like "you're this and you're doing x for y reason" and would refute anything i'd say. It would be all her projection and blame and bear no resemblance to my motives or thinking but I'd believe her - i wouldn't be able to hear what my real motives and thoughts are. It's like i allow myself to become the bad person I'm being made out to be. It's like I've learnt to feel ashamed and disregard my own feelings and motives as irrelevant and bad so totally. That makes it damn hard in any conflict situation!!!

Anyway today I didn't feel able to just carry on as usual with her watching or just ignore her. It felt like I'd be "doing as I was told"  like a naughty child but actually it wasn't that logical. I just stood there doing nothing and started to argue with her about how dog poo was no different to fox poo out in the country which obviously a) invited her to criticise and b) me to feel stupid and shameful and wrong like now she thinks I don't care about leaving poo littering the countryside !!!!!

So why do you end up arguing something you don't even believe or pulled into an argument that doesn't need to happen? It's insane. Why can't I just let people and their snarky comments wash over me?

So to end it I sort of lost it  a bit and somewhat childishly said "how do you know I wasn't going to pick it up anyway" and stood there fuming while she rode off. So now I feel even more stupid and like I overreacted and was just totally weird.

Ok, like I say, no big deal.
Except why is it so complicated? It's occupied this great big space in my head since and made me crumble emotionally, I'm sitting here trying to understand "who" feels "what" internally, but basically I just feel angry and sorry for myself and have an intense urge to just give up. I felt awful afterwards like I had nowhere to go with the feelings inside. Sometimes if people yell at me or if I have a run in with someone it makes me panic like I can't bear it, the feelings are just literally unbearable. It's gotta be a traumatic memory being triggered right? Overwhelming shame mostly, rage, white rage, tightness in my chest, tight confusion in my head and self hatred all rolled into one. I literally curl into a tight ball of no escape. It's horrid.

Does this sound familiar to others?  I hate that silly things are such a big blooming deal to me.

[Blueberry]

helliepig, a lot of this sounds very familiar to me. It does sound as if a traumatic memory is being triggered and that you were experiencing an EF. I especially get the self-hatred and intense feeling to just give up.

But you haven't given up! You've reached out to us on here. 

[Three Roses]

I can totally relate!! Big healing hugs to you.

[Rainagain]

Its conflict hellie,
Its tricky for us to deal with.

I had an upsetting experience like that when walking my dogs.

Some idiot ran at me shouting about how terrible it was that my dogs had messed where children might walk.

I explained that it wasn't my dogs but he wouldn't accept it, he was shouting and I was getting the urge to hurt him, eventually it dawned on him that it hadn't been my dogs but instead of apologising he marched off in a fury.

I think he has a screw loose, trouble is so do I and I can get physical without warning if threatened.

I was upset for days as I don't want to fight people, I over react to threats then have to hold onto myself really hard not to kick off.

[helliepig]

thank you guys 
Just being heard is so validating.
Feel like I've lost the plot this afternoon as I let all the feelings come up. So glad I was able to share it here xx

[Resca]

It absolutely sounds familiar, and I think Blue is right in saying that it sounds like an EF situation. I think we end up arguing because we feel like we need to somehow defend ourselves against the perceived attack, even if the "attack" is happening mostly in our minds and/or we know it's not important in the slightest. It's a defense mechanism, you know? A wounded animal (or person!) is going to fight back, flailing, desperate to protect their wounds so they don't appear weak. It's a terrible experience to have over something so objectively insignificant, but I think it's also kind of normal for people who have a history of abuse.

I'm sorry that you have to go through this. That you have to continue to suffer for what someone else did to you when you couldn't help it. But I think realizing that it's not helpful - as you have  - is the first step to unraveling that ball of pain in your chest and finding a path that works better for you. I hope you find that path