About time to talk about this *trigger warning*

[Elphanigh]

Put and overall trigger warning on the title, but wasn't to reiterate this could be triggering. I need to get this off my chest, it will be some unloading and admitting to things I have refused to see and deal with for a long time, especially with my M.

*trigger warning*





Finally dealing with my FOO issues, especially around my M. Due to the rest of my abuse outside of my family, I put my M in the good category as a kid. She was the closest thing I had to a "good enough" adult (to use Pete walker). Now, however, I need to recognize and deal with the harm that was done. To come to terms with the fact that she did not in fact belong in the good category.

My mom was emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive. I had just always known she was "less " abusive, and let it be okay. I saw the progress she made as she got older, and ignored all the wrong she has done and does do.. I feel like I need to name some of her wrongs, to have them validated, so I can recognize it for what it is and start to heal.

-When I was little I had horrific nightmares (due to abuse I think), instead of comforting me like a M should do I got yelled at. Now my nightmares came with what I now recognize as panic attacks... I would shake, not be able to breathe, and a lot of times puke from it. Again, I got yelled at for them...
Told I just needed to stop thinking about it and "calm the * down"....
-when I was seven she found out about one of my abusers watching porn in the house... my M never did anything to try to comfort me, or to find out what was done to me.. she took a seven year old at her word when I told her not even enough for this person to see jail ever...
-she would scream and fight with my dad, or take out any anger from work on me. I purposefully made sure my siblings were out of the way, but it meant I took a verbal beating very frequently.


- got spanked so hard it could be heard from across the house, or got the wooden spoon used one me...I remember having to go pick a switch from a tree once (what happened after that I don't remember... it is one of my few holes) I had always told myself that she was just normal in spanking and disciplining me..l now see that most of the time it was physical abuse. I grew up with that and watched my siblings grow up with less and less of it. Eventually none of it for them because M grew wiser, and kinder with them... I was the example

-I had to become a mom for my siblings for a while, and had to watch as she was moment of a mom to them than she ever was me...

- I broke my collar bone when I was 8.. I was so afraid of her by that age that I waited about 6 hours to tell anyone that it hurt. I was so scared of waking them up and complaining that I sat in a quiet corner holding my arm crying until someone woke up..

- I was never allowed to cry,or say I was stressed...  because there was "no way I understood stress"

- when my depression fully manifested she acted in ways that created a stronger need for me to attempt suicide.. she made it worse.  She locked me away, watched my food intake, gave me no outlet. She refused me any actual help or anyone to reach out to. Instead she forced me to act adappear as if I was okay in order to stop getting yelled at, and blamed for making big deals out of nothing.

- when she found out that another girl had been hurt by one of my abusers, she asked me. I told her very small details and instead of comfort me, or validate me... she left the room, lights off, and never came back. I was 13.. she left me alone to cry, pick up the pieces, and continue. We evenstill had a get together with my parents friends that night, in which I was to attend and be normal...

-with sooo many signs in my life, she saw would punish me, then never did anything about them. My M was a nurse in a psych ward for a long time...  she saw ptsd patients, depression, anxiety disorders etc.. yet she denied mine.. always tried to hard to make sure mine wasn't real... that my anxiety and depression were not real and were just things to be punished for.

-she cost me friendships because she would yell and get into arguments with the adult parents of these kids...


There is more but that is all I can do tonight. I sat with my littles in therapy and recognized how terrified they were/are of my M... how much she made me fear her. I recognize so many things she should have done, or taught me... even without the years of csa, physical abuse, or being traded around I didn't stand a chance... my core family was disfunctional on top of a horrific childhood outside of it. 

[Kat]

Good for you for getting this out in the open.  I totally get the split--one good parent one bad.  It's what we had to do to survive.  Then little by little you start to look back and realize the whole truth of what was going on.  Ugh...  I'm sorry you had to deal with all that you did.  It's not fair.  You deserved so much better.  I wish your mother had been a big enough person to do something to help you rather than brush it all aside for her own sake.  Inexcusable. 

Hope you sleep well tonight after all of this intensity.  Be kind to yourself.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Kat. Sadly the parents weren't split one good and one bad. My M was all of those things...my D was neglectful at best. He was never around and when he was it was screaming matches with my mom, or teaching me to open his beers when I was 7 or 8.... he punched holes in a few doors, and only ever stood to aggravate my M more.

That being said they have both grown as people, especially in the last 5 years or so. They are much better parents from afar and because I don't need them to be my parents anymore. I don't need them to save me or care for me. So we do better now than we did. I am LC with both of them. We speak weekly but very much on my terms,and only as I can allow it for myself. Neither or them know why, or that it is a conscious decision on my part, but it is easier that way.


Thank you for recognizing the unfairness of all that I went through.. if my mom could have been better I could have been saved years of sexual abuse... I would have never been traded... or been so consumed in self blame that I tried to end it all... I wish too that she had done something for me..

Sleep has been a challenge for a few days. It is about 11 here so hoping to dose off soon. Work the next couple of days will be crazy because of the holiday

[Three Roses]

I'm so sorry you went thru that, Elphanigh. I also had to take a look at my m and get honest with myself about her actions - or in my case, her inaction/neglect. And, I also called the beatings I got "spankings" because that's what my parents called them.

Big hugs to you, you're not alone. 

[Hope66]

  to you Elphanigh, you are not alone with this - really sorry that you experienced these things.  Well done for writing about them.
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you both 

Three roses, I am sorry you had to look at you M as well.. I know just how hard that it. Also, it is interesting how we adopt their language for things, even this far into our lives.

Hope, lots of hugs. Thank you for reminding me I am not alone 

[BlancaLap]

What you're telling ia horrible! People like that should not be allowed to have children! Poor you, I'm so sorry you had to pass through that...

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for validating that it sounds horrible. Honestly, it makes me question myself...  I find myself constantly questioning if it was actually bad... too much abuse in other places I guess.

[BlancaLap]

No one should be afraid of their parents to the point they are afraid they are hurt, in pain or suffering. When good parents see you suffer, they get concerned, not angry

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, that is a great way to put it. I really appreciate it. Like you put words to something I couldn't 

[Blueberry]

Elphanigh, I haven't read it all, don't want to get too triggered, but yes, it was that bad! I can say that just from what I read.

I'm also going through moving the 'good' people in the family from their pedestals. In my case F and a B.

You're brave to write all this down and to look at the issue. I hope it's as cathartic for you as it has been for me recently. 

[Andyman73]

Elphanigh,   TW describes CPA

Trigger Warning - Physical Abuse

Switch.....

took me 3 hours to select the right branch that fit dad's exacting requirements. Cut off tree, trim little branches off it. Was near the end of the physical phase of my child abuse. Was 11 by this time. Was early spring, late winter. Nobody saw the marks on the backs of my legs. And certainly not the ones on my behind or lower back. Took about 3 months to heal completely from that.

[Kizzie]

Andyman - I added a TW to your post just so no member is caught off guard - I'm not even sure what to say about a parent who makes  child participate in their abuse like that.  I m so sorry for what both you and you Elphanigh went through.  If it is so difficult to read then I can only imagine what it was like to endure it. I guess I do know having taken so so many punches to the soul.  There is so much to be sad and angry about.  I know letting myself finally remember and feel, as hard as it has been, has made such a difference for me having support here. And so I just wanted to send you both a huge, warm, nurturing    for the children in you who survived the unspeakable.   I hope it helps, even just a little.

[sanmagic7]

el, you brave soul.  it was definitely that bad and more.  you never have to question yourself on that again.  so glad you could finally get it out, see the reality, even tho it's more pain.  still, the poison is no longer festering within you now, and you finally have a chance to begin healing from that.  big warm loving hug to you, sweetie.  earth mother spirit shall embrace and hold you with comfort and care while you grieve.

andy, that was horrible.  i'm very glad you don't have to go thru that anymore.  what survivors we are - truly walking miracles.  sending a hug filled with love and compassion to you.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you all, I wish I had more energy to properly reply to,all of you. It means the world to me to read your kind and validating words  Also all the hugs, because I need those right now.


Blueberry, thank you for reading what you could. I never want to trigger anyone, but it was cathartic for me to be able to talk about these things. 

Andyman, I am so sorry you went through that... definitely be kind to yourself with that kind of memory. We are such strong survivors and deserve all the kindness we can get.

Kizzie, thank you for the hug. It helps me, and my little out so much 

San, thank you first for the reminder that I am brave. I truly need that sometimes. I feel very validated and know I shouldn't question myself on this... but part of me still does. I think the part of me that has good memories of my M finds it hard to accept the bad. There is also a part of me that knows for all the bad she did, she was never as bad as soooooo many other people were for me. With all that I said about her, and all that is unsaid she is tame by the standards of what I lived through...so part of me questions myself... questions the weight I put on it, because in comparison to the csa, more violent cpa, and things like being traded around... she is so tame

It breaks my heart sometimes that the things all of you are validating and assuring me are bad, are things that I assumed were how good people acted... heartbreaking I even have to question or compare it to anything else..some days it feels like too much has happened to me..