Loss of Identity

[PaintedCloud]

Good morning everyone,
I have been lurking a while here, but am struggling with something new lately.  In a conversation with a friend, I let it out that I have been having a hard time with "who I am" versus "who everyone else expects me to be"  Years upon years of being who I was supposed to be so they would love me, be happy, not abandon me, has left me with a loss of self.  Being the perfect daughter did not stop my mother from abusing me horrendously for my entire childhood, being the perfect wife did not stop my husband from being viciously cruel towards me during my brief marriage.  So now, I am safe, and alone, happily alone, but lost.  Who am I supposed to be if theres no one that "needs" me to act a certain way?

[BlancaLap]

Happy to hear that you are on you own now, and safe. Once we are safe is when we are able to grieve. To be implies to be yourself. To show your true true feelings. To act according to them. When we want to please the others, it is because we sense a threat, we feel like we are in danger. It takes time for your brain to recognize that you are not actually in danger anymore. Once that occurs, you will start to grieve and to show your true true emotions and be your true true self. Until them, it is normal to don't know what to do and how to behave. Use grounding techniques and try to reconnect with your feelings; they will tell you what to do. Try to stay present; I know it sounds hard. That's all I can tell you for now. Try talking to your therapist about this issue. And maybe other members of this forum can say something.
I wish you good luck finding yourself.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, PaintedCloud, love your name!

It's been difficult. I've really never been "just me", I'm introducing me to myself, too, these days. Def a work in progress. Lots of just letting things both soak in (being present to things around me) and getting in touch with feelings. It means, for me, going a little slower than I'm used to!

I'm glad you're here, thanks for posting. 

[Blueberry]

Welcome on here  PaintedCloud (love your name!) I'm glad you've stopped lurking and have actually joined   

Years upon years of being who I was supposed to be so they would love me, be happy, not abandon me, has left me with a loss of self.  Being the perfect daughter did not stop my mother from abusing me horrendously for my entire childhood,

Sounds very familiar.

I'm glad that you are now safe! That's a space from where you can learn to find out who you really are. Looking forward to getting to know you!

[PaintedCloud]

awwww thanks you guys! I have been searching on amazon for some "about me" books where you answer questions about yourself everyday for a year, etc. Hoping that helps!

[Blueberry]

I didn't know there were "about me" books per se.

I was helped to some extent by Julia Cameron's book The Artist's Way. Lots of exercises in there which you can do daily. You're meant to in fact  It helps awaken your creativity and that helps you find out who you are.

[BlancaLap]

I do this too. I usually imagine what would I do if I wasn't numb, what would I feel, or what would someone "cool" do. But that's because I'm numb, I'm dissociated. If I wasn't, I would know what to do.
When I was "des-dissociating" myself, I realized that I didn't feel the same way others feel, that actually I felt nothing, and I began asking myself: "if other speak to people, it's because they feel something inside of them that makes them want to do it, but I don't feel it, so, why would I replie to people when they speak to me?" So I began to not reply to people when they talked to me. I now it sounds weird, but it felt so liberating (liberador). Because, if I replie, it is because I'm afraid what would happen if I don't, but what if I'm not afraid anymore? Why would I do that then? It makes sense, right?

[PeTe]

I feel lik I'm just starting on the path to get to know myself, and really cannot offer much advice. I'm grieving what has and hasn't been, and hope that will open up for more feelings and sense of self.  I'm also convinced I have to set more boundaries.

BlancaLap, what you write makes sense. But I think there are layers to healing. You were grieving and didn't want to talk to people - that sounds like a defense mechanism. And it might be a sensible defense mechanism in the situation you're in. I also often turn blank on the prospect of talking to someone, and for me it's a defense mechanism saying don't show your feelings to others, they might use those feelings to hurt you.

[BlancaLap]

PeTe, it's not that I didn't want to talk to people, it is that I didn't find any reason to do it. If I talk to people now, it is because of the anxiety, but what if I don't feel anxiety anymore? What would I do then? Idk if you understand this...

[Three Roses]

Sorry, I know I'm not PeTe, but this is resonating with me like a giant cymbal! So I'd like to say what it is for me. Gaining a measure of authenticity in who I really am has been the key. What my own thoughts and feelings are - and my right to have them. But, because I've suppressed/hidden who I am for so long, I was hidden even from myself. I felt my very survival depended on not pissing anyone off, and so I was only able to be honest when I myself was very angry about something - but that wasn't true honesty.

I'm working on getting re acquainted with myself and who I was always meant to be.

[Kat]

After my mother was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, I read all I could about the disorder and its effects on the sufferers' offspring.  One of the things I remember reading was about how children of Borderline parents often have little sense of self--no surprise there.  But, the book suggested taking time to decide what one really likes and doesn't like.  I remember they used what seems like a silly example: ice cream.  The idea was to try it and ask yourself if you really like it (or really dislike it) and what you like or dislike about it. 

More recently, I've been seeing a Somatic Experiencing therapist.  She's got me identifying what I like and dislike, but not for the exact same reason.  Our work has more to do with the feelings that go along with what I like and don't like so that I can begin to distinguish between what safety and goodness feels like vs. the guarded, defensive posture I've been taught to take so as not to ever be hurt again. 

It helps to know I'm not the only one who struggles with this.  By the way, I used to hate ice cream.  Now I realize I really like a good Ben and Jerry's Super Fudge Chunk.   

[PeTe]

BlancaLap, I think we just have to trust that if we let our anxiety drop and interact with good people, we will find a way. I think we'll want to interact with people in some way.

PaintedCloud, I only now realised that your ending question «who am I supposed to be» almost implies that you'd want for others to define who you should be - once again. I just want to say you can be who you want to be. Though it's real hard finding out just what feels right for oneself.

[PaintedCloud]

Yes, PeTe, thats the question I struggle with everyday and the book I got, its called The Book About Me, and its  been very helpful.  It asks the simple questions, such as whats my favourite colour, when is my favourite time of year, whats my clothing style, etc etc.  I am very much enjoying discovering "the real true me" and the book will be a keepsake for years to come, and a reference if I ever feel I need to validate anything.
On a side note, my mother was also BPD, as well as what was once called manic depressive...

[PeTe]

I hope you have some nice discoveries about yourself in the time ahead
I can totally relate to how destructive parents can be. When it starts so early, it just influences us so much. Good we can be better to ourselves than our parents