6 years of darkness (TW!!! Physical abuse details. mention csa/r)

Andyman73 · November 24, 2017, 05:05:02 PM

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!

6 Years of Darkness;

I was 5 when my 6 years of darkness began. I had been spanked before this point...regularly...am still struggling to accept that was child abuse too. But this specifically focuses on a 6 year period of intense child abuse, physical, mental, emotional and so on. I had been nearly caught, that morning, being csa by a teen at least 10 years older than me. It was the manager of the apartment complex I lived in. He heard me screaming and crying and ran over to see me laying naked on the floor crying in pain. And teen was standing over me laughing. Anyway, he told my mom what he saw.
That night was the first beating I remember. For the next 6 years, mom would beat me 4-5 times a week. I don't remember much....can't see her face, hear her voice, can't hear belt cutting through the air...my brothers have confirmed these things...mom had the most evil look on her face, growling like a monster, and saying the ugliest things imagineable, to a little boy. When she didn't have her belt on, she would use what ever was at hand. Wooden cooking utensil, not just wooden spoons. I've had a handful of them broken over my head. Several times she used an extension cord, wire coat hangers, don't know what else. Mostly used hand to smack face/mouth. Solid wooden hair brush on head...too many times...not remember but remember hurt so bad...make dizzy sometimes. Leave lumps on head last for days.

Sometimes dad would do punishing...usually mom did when dad was at work. He never knew the extent mom had gone with this. Several times dad would grab my hair to hold me still and use hand on butt. Only did that in the first year or two...maybe 3-4 times all together. Would grab so tight...hurt worse than anything else...never felt hand hitting me, feel feet swing up off the ground though...everything white hot, can't see or hear...white hot fire in head...was bad bad bboy. so bad. Sometimes him use belt too. Liked to do on bare skin...sting so much worse. One time got buckle end. Sometimes smack mouth...loosened teeth a time or two....

The very last time was the switch...36 inches long, 2 inches at the handle end and 1 inch at the other end. Took 3 hours to find good branch and cut off tree in backyard. Then 3 more hours...then a dozen or more swings...lost count after 12...had welts on lower back, butt and upper thighs. Couldn't sit for a week. Back hurt for a month.

Not sure if food being withheld is physical abuse, or bread and water rations. Or being forced to eat stuff the next day. Sometimes had to sit at table while others ate. Sometimes sent to room . But when on bread and water rations...could only leave room for bathroom/showers. This was all mom.

Also not sure about writing as punishment is physical abuse...sit and write for hours...copy dictionary pages...write sentences. One Summer I wrote 50,000 sentences.

Was so so naughty boy....so naughty. Never good. I just couldn't do it right. Nothing was ever right or good. Do over do over punish, again again punish.

Three Roses · November 24, 2017, 05:15:22 PM

My heart aches to read this. That little boy wasn't bad, he was just a little boy!! Little boys learn as they grow, they should be taught gently and protected while they learn. Love, nurture, gentleness. TLC. I'm so very sorry we didn't get that from our parents.

Big, safe, gentle hugs to you, thanks for your courage and vulnerability.

Andyman73 · November 24, 2017, 06:15:56 PM

Three Roses,

Was all the time...one thing or another or another... all added together...By the time this started, I had been csa/r many many times. I remember playing outside as much as possible. And going as far from home as I could without getting caught or noticed. As I got older this became miles and miles...by foot or bicycle. Was my life, didn't know any different. Got punished for brothers actions, too.

I recently learned that both of my parents had traumatic childhoods too...no csa as far as I know but cpa/dv...those same age years, my mom was abusing me...she had been physically abused by her dad.

My parents used to give money to our church(wherever we were at the time) to support the youth groups there, or even send them on trips....but not on us, their own kids. wonder if they were trying to assuage their own guilt by doing things for other's kids?

thank you for hugs.

sanmagic7 · November 24, 2017, 06:55:12 PM

dear, dear andy. what horrors. yes, of course, it's all physical abuse. food is completely related to our physical being. the rest, well, unspeakable. yet, you've found the courage to speak of it, have grown into a kind, caring man in spite of it. i so respect and admire you, andy, for surviving this with your heart and soul intact.

the shame and blame all belong to them, no matter what they may have gone thru as children. so does the ugliness of what they tried to make you believe about yourself. i'm pleased and proud to have you in my life, just the way you are. sending a hug filled with careful, kind, compassionate love.

Andyman73 · November 24, 2017, 09:22:19 PM

sanmagic7,

It just befuddles my mind. And this is only the physical abuse. Did chores like Cinderella too.
Thank you for saying those lovely things. It's very very hard to hear that kind of stuff. Goes so far against what I've known all my life. I don't know if other kids could pick up on stuff like that...but something...I was rarely welcomed anywhere I was. Seemed like the odd man/boy out, no matter the situation.

Okay...getting triggered...

thank yu so much for that wonderful hug..

sanmagic7 · November 25, 2017, 02:26:05 AM

of course it's hard to hear it - you don't have as much practice with it as with the uglies. but, we'll keep sending it to you, reiterating what a wonderful man you've become in spite of everything until it gets big enough to beat down the uglies till they're so small you can just flick them away like dust off your jacket.

you really are a great guy, andy. you've shown it over and over. warm, loving hug to you.

Andyman73 · November 28, 2017, 03:46:17 AM

San, I really appreciate you. 💐
Hopefully after I leave future axw, then these wonderful warm thing s everyone has been saying to me, will actually start to sink in.
I'm now faced with the fact that all the other physical things I've been minimizing all these years, really were abusive too. Including being paddled at school...was 12 the last time that happened.
Warm hug is so very welcome and needed. Thank you so very much.

bogan · November 28, 2017, 06:20:15 AM

wow Andy thats so familiar, I feel your pain. Its sad that they keep going pretending to be nice people, pillars of sociality and we keep paying the price.

Andyman73 · November 28, 2017, 04:00:01 PM

Quote from: tasman on November 28, 2017, 06:20:15 AM
wow Andy thats so familiar, I feel your pain. Its sad that they keep going pretending to be nice people, pillars of sociality and we keep paying the price.

Thank you Tasman. Yeah, but I've suffered so much worse at the hands of so many others. This just happens to be known abuse from FOO.

ah · December 15, 2017, 11:04:52 PM

Quote from: tasman on November 28, 2017, 06:20:15 AM
wow Andy thats so familiar, I feel your pain. Its sad that they keep going pretending to be nice people, pillars of sociality and we keep paying the price.

Exactly.
Hard for me to find the words to say how deeply I agree.
How much this aspect of it has broken me, so I bet it did similar damage to others too.
Andy, tasman, all of us (to anyone who'd like) an endless, loving, gentle