New therapist - I don't trust her

[BlancaLap]

Ok, for those who don't know what happened, all this happened months ago. I was just getting out of dissociation for the first time in my life, and oh god, I saw that until that moment I haven't seen, I mean, everything that I though was true was wrong. I started to develop my awareness, and to see why people often reacted to me like: "what are you doing? Why are you doing that?" I don't mind I did super weird stuff... just inappropriate stuff, and I didn't know why. At that moment I started to see WHY the weird stuff I used to do was weird, and I started to "see" what "should" I do and what should not in every "social" moment, or better, what I wanted to do but respecting "social laws".
(I don't know if I'm explaining myself very well).
So! The thing is, I started to feel all the pain I had been hiding inside of me, and to grieve. But I still lived with my parents, and my parents... don't handle pain very well. They started to behave violently, aggressively... and that made me dissociate. While the tension in the house was growing, I started to notice that I couldn't get out of dissociation anymore. I was very ashamed of what "weird" stuff I could do in front of people when I was dissociated, so I refused to see anyone when I was in that state, but my parents forced me to go to see my new psychiatrist. She was pretty kind, but at that moment I was so afraid, so ashamed and so stressed that I started crying, and maybe that was a little weird... Idk. So, I told her I wanted to see a new therapist, not because I didn't like her, but because I was so ashamed I though I made a bad first impression... and I really feel I need to do a good first impression.
So, I went to my new new therapist and things got really really wrong (I already made a post about it).
So, after almost a year, I'm going to see her again. I don't want to, but I have to... I saw her weeks ago (because I had an appointment) and well...
I want to develop a good relationship with my therapist, because I know how powerful it is to have good experiences with people. The good experiences I had with people are the ones that transformed me.
I have to see her again, but I don't trust her, and I can't get out of dissociation. What should I do, give her a chance, or change (again)?

[Three Roses]

Hmmm...in the same circumstance, i think i'd give her another chance since i was dissociated the first time. then if i still had a gut "i dont like you" reaction i'd see someone else. just my opinion, do what you think is best for YOU

[sanmagic7]

blanca, first and most important, you cannot do therapy wrong.  second, you cannot make a bad first impression.  third, it is the therapist's job to make the relationship good for you, not the other way around.

i am a therapist and know these things from what i've learned both professionally and personally.  the therapist is an information gatherer and guide.  s/he gathers information about you from what you say, how you respond, what you report about yourself and your life, and your behaviors.

the best of therapists use this information to understand you better so they can then help guide you from where you are now to where you want to go.   they are there to help you see what you're not able to see, and clear up what's confusing for you.   that's their job.

your job, then, is to be you, no matter how you are.  the more honest and real you can be, the easier it is for the therapist to understand what's going on and point you in the right direction.  you, then, can make the choice of if it's the direction you want to go, and that simply gives the therapist more information about you. 

it's a relationship where the therapist needs to earn your trust.  you don't have to trust him or her to start out.  going along from session to session will give you an idea of what kind of person the therapist is by what they say to you, how they deal with the problems and information you give them, and how it feels to be in their presence. 

do they feel safe?  do they feel like you might want to give them another chance?  did they help you grow and feel better about yourself?  were they kind and gentle with you, but also do they push you at times when you need an extra little push?

since you've already met with this therapist once, you may know the answers to some of these questions.  does the situation feel like she made you feel that she'd welcome you back?  that's she'd welcome the chance to work with you?  that she wants to help you? 

with my new therapist, i've spent the greater amount of time during our sessions crying.  those tears have meaning.  maybe, with her help, together you will be able to figure out what your tears meant.   i hope that if you give her another chance, she turns out to be a good 'fit' for you.  if not, it's not because it's your fault.  sometimes we have to search before we find the right helper for us. 

best to you with this, blanca.  big hug filled with hope and love.

[Dee]

It took a solid year before I trusted my therapist.  She knew that and didn't push.  She stuck it out and waited for me.  Now I've been with her for more than two and we are only now working through trauma.  It took that long.  I can do it though, I took my time, became to trust her, and I can say anything.  Not easily though, but I can.

[BlancaLap]

Thanks Three Roses, thanks Dee, I will give her a chance.
SanMagic7: first, the psychiatrist is still a person, despite her work, so if she accepts me or not it is not something she can control; second, people's acceptance of me is what has changed me; it is not something I want, but rather something I need. As I said, people's acceptance has been the only thing that has changed me. I can't control that either. Thorugh people's acceptance I was able to accept myself, because now I don't have a self, it is buried under a hundred layers of dissociation, so for me it is IMPOSSIBLE to be myself, not because I don't want to, but rather because I'm not connected to myself. Acceptance is the only thing that has helped me, changed me, made me accept me. I don't want relationships in which people don't accept me, because I want to accept myself, I need to accept myself, because that's the only thing that has set my free from my dissociation before.

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the clarification, blanca.  i do hope it goes well.  big hug to you.