Emotional Flashback - Abandonment Melange and grief

[Mia2017]

My grief is so big and I feel like constantly crying.

It is probably healthy to grief, but for me is only overwhelming and I am afraid of not being able to function anymore in life.

It feels like the surpressed emtions of 40+ years rise up at once and I can just not control them any longer.

It happened again - I found a surrogate family at my workplace, people that I trusted and with whom I shared meals, thoughts, joys and griefs and I truly felt comforable, at least a lot of times. That means a lot to me who has been single and living alone.

Now, my supervisor and his wife are going back to their home country, thousands of miles away. I feel the loss already, especially since I talked with him a lot about my dysfunctional childhood, my alcoholic father and my narc mother and it felt good.

I went NC with my FOO last year and I am ok with it, because they have emotionally abused me all my life. Only after going NC, I recognized, how severe the abuse was.

Now I also recognize that I have always looked for family, for this group of people I can belong to, I can trust, with whom I can share joys and grrief, laughter and meals, And I found people, at school, university, workplaces and for some time, all was well for me. I felt accepted, and appreciated. Then, a change occured, a restructuring in the company, merger, move, closing down of the department and just like that, I lost this group I considered "family" again.

I understand now, not back then, that I even endured the wrong kind of job that I did not feel comfortable with, just because I had this "surrogate family". For a long time, I followed the career, my Narc mother wanted, my success she bragged with to other people, the good position.

Now I feel this big loss, the loss of surrogate family and the family of origin, which was never there for me, but I have aways had this idea in the back that, whenever something happens, my FOO will be there. That is over now with the no contact.

I feel lost, shattered to pieces and feeld the need to build up MYSELF, not the false me from expectations my mother and other people had on me. I just don't know, how to do it.

Does anyone know that situation, too?

[sanmagic7]

hey, mia,

i have just lately realized that i've been going thru the grieving process for years, weeping at this, that, and the other, but always stifling it.  so much loss, so much pain.  the past few weeks i've been able to put a focus to the times i find myself crying, and just let out the sobs with a particular remembrance.  it's been helping.

i also understand the 'surrogate' family thing.  i've done that with people other than family before.  it's heartbreaking to realize they're not there anymore for whatever reason.  maybe it would help to just give yourself the time and space to weep for your loss.  you'll eventually stop, but you'll also be letting out all the sadness around the dashed hopes and dreams that were wrapped around these people for you.  so much loss.

you may need to cry for the choice you made regarding your job as well, since you're in it for your mother's reasons rather than your own.  so much pain.  2 very separate reasons for grief right now.  it's really helped me to put these reasons into their separate compartments, and go at them one at a time.  i've been feeling less overwhelmed by doing that.

my heart is with you, mia.  sending a hug filled with compassion, understanding, and love. 

[Dee]

Welcome to OOTS.  I am not NC with my family, though I probably should be. 

I am sorry that your supervisor is leaving.  Do you plan to still keep in touch?  Perhaps you can plan a visit in the future so you have that to look forward to.  My kids have both left home recently.  I have reminded myself it isn't an end, it's just different. 

I have worked on finding my strengths and I have also made plans for things to keep me busy and social.  I have started volunteering.  I take a few art classes.  I am also looking into yoga.

[Three Roses]

Welcome, Mia! I can totally relate to your grief and sadness, having had the same reaction to similar situations in my past.

This forum has become a family for me, a family of choice. It has helped me feel like I have a spot that "grounds" me emotionally. I hope you find the same here. Thanks for joining!

[Mia2017]

Thank you, sunmagic7,

It is very comforting that other people know this intense grieving, too. I realize, there is so much, I hadn't seen and that I hadn't been able to grieve while I was still in contact with my mother and subject to ongoing emotional abuse. This grieving is hard, but at times it seems comforting, too, getting it all out.

This afternoon, I went to a museum with a friend. One of the exhibitions showed a documentary about this city and people who were born and raised here. My friend immediately said, how much she appreciated this exhibitions for people like her, who were born here and not only for tourists.

I felt a stab in my heart. I was not born here, came here for my career almost 20 years ago, but have never really felt completely at home. Lately, I have been missing my birth region, the landscape, the dialect  a lot. I feel like I was chased away from my home from my family to a foreign place where I just did my best to adapt. Now, more and more, my longing comes out, perhaps for my true self.

I haven't mentioned that in my first post, but I left this job my Mom wanted for me and that made me sick 6 years ago. I am now on a career path that is pretty close to my heart, but I have problems marketing myself and trusting my abilities. I have sold my services way under what they are worth and made myself dedendent on people who do not appreciate what I can do.

Because this underearning behavior was not enough to sustain myself, I accepted a part time job, where my supervisor is now leaving. But this part time job, although providing emotional support and a sense of belonging to my collleagues, I don't earn enough money and have a lot of financial distress.

I just cannot get myself to be motivated enough and courageous enough to market my freelance services and earn the money I deserve. I think, I am still blocked from my Mom's judgment, who considered my current career and life below my standing.

It's all very much confusing. I feel like working on a puzzle that is my identity and my life.

I am very grateful for this forum and for being able to share my feelings! Thank you!

[Mia2017]

Dear Dee and ThreeRoses,

Thank you so much for the warm welcome! I am so grateful that I can communicate with people who have been through similar experiences. We can support and encourage each other on our path. I just refuse giving up the idea of a happy life without emotional abuse and having to apologize who I am !

I really want to discover more about myself and need to do something for my physical health, too. I love making music and singing in the choir, which helps relaxing. But I need to find some sports that I like, because of physical paint through tension. I am not sure about Yoga, have to see.

My compassion and love to you, too!

[Blueberry]

Welcome on here Mia 

I can sure relate to the feelings of so much grief coming up!

I'm not NC yet, but very LC, and grieving the lack of a family who cares about me. I have been looking for replacement family for a long time, I would say so anyway in retrospect. It used to be really hard for me to move on in life, or if I knew a friend was planning to move, I'd feel abandonment before they even left town. It has been getting better, the pain less intense. I think that's due to continued healing from CPTSD.

Hope to see you more around the forum and that it can come to be a bit like an additional surrogate family for you.