Identifying real feelings

[Rainydaze]

I'm finding lately that I'm getting much better at identifying my real feelings rather than submitting to guilt as though it's the only path. I felt low on my birthday the other day and it would have been so easy to assume that I was missing my father but actually when I delved deeper I came to the following conclusions about my situation and why I genuinely felt that way:

- The thought of people in my FOO thinking badly of me makes me feel sad.
- People not understanding how bad a time I had living alone with him as a teenager makes me feel sad.
- Never being able to have a relationship with a genuinely loving father makes me feel sad.
- Not speaking to someone who doesn't treat me nicely or with respect doesn't make me feel sad.

It really helped to break it down and simplify what I was truly feeling. My sadness and shame didn't mean that I had to do anything about my non relationship with my father or to try to control anything, it was just there to be felt. A couple of days later I had a lovely moment where I felt like I was able to communicate with my 16 year old self and finally feel her pain properly and acknowledge how unfair it was. A couple of years ago when my father first gave me silent treatment I ended up very depressed and was the first one to make moves at reconciliation because I thought that putting up with being scapegoated was easier than feeling my pain. This felt so inauthentic and I'm glad I chose the long path to getting to know myself properly. I don't know if I'll ever make contact with him again, the last 8 months have just been so healing and to me it speaks volumes about how toxic the relationship must have been on my mental health.

[Three Roses]

 

This is pretty huge! Thanks for posting.

[I like vanilla]

blues_cruise that is great - the feeling your feelings part, anyway. It is difficult to feel feelings, especially uncomfortable ones like sadness, and especially when we already have a pattern of response that we must first overcome that hinders us from feeling our feelings. You did it! Great job!

Plus, feeling feelings is a HUGE step towards healing. So, great job there too.

[BlancaLap]

Well done! Happy to hear you're moving on! You deserve to have your own life with the people you choose, and you deserve the relationships to be healthy, not toxic.

[Rainydaze]

Thanks everyone.  To be honest he helped me by being meaner than ever when we reconnected after his silent treatment, it helped me find my anger and therefore a newfound desire for self-protection!

[sanmagic7]

well done!