I recently had an emotional flashback

[BlancaLap]

So, I was walking through the corridor of my university, and there were two other girls from my class, and I talked to one of them and asked her if she was gonna take the same bus as me and she said no, sorry, I'm going to the library to study and I said ok, and then I started to talk to the other girl, how is everything, bad, I think I may suspend math, I'm sorry, at that point everything normal, but then, the first girl started to whisper something from the distand (she was a couple of meters in front of us) in hope the second girl understands what she is saying. At that moment I thought they needed to hurry because whatever reason they had, everything normal, but then I thought: "why did she need to whisper? Couldn't she said it normally?" So I start asking myself if the reason the first girl wanted the second girl to hurry was ME. Of course it is nonsense, there are no reasons, but again, what if it was ME the reason. So I begin asking myself: "why? Why did she feel she needed to whisper? Was it because she didn't want to be with me?" Okay, so, the first girl was from my past school, and I was pretty much a wallflower there, but she didn't recognize me at first, but I fear someone may have talked to her about me, and told her I'm a wallflower, and I don't want to judge her but she looks like a very bad person, like someone who judges others and treats them badly, but again, I'm saying this judging her, so I think I'm not the best person to say that.

If the idea that the reason she wanted to hurry was ME, may come from my childhood, when this used to happen in school... so I think I may be having an emotional flashback. Like, I'm remembering what happened to me and think it is happening again. I can't stop thinking about why, why did she whisper, what did she whisper... I don't know what to do... I mean, I don't know and there is no way I could possibly know why did she do what she did, so how, how do I react? Do I just think nothing happened? Do I stop going to her to talk to her and just talk to her when she talks to me? Is she as bad as she looks? Did someone talk to her about me in a way that damages my reputation and her image of me? What does she think about me? I already talked about this in another post, but I'm having problems with faking a genuine smile and that makes me feel very insecure, and I'm afraid I have already smiled to her with an obviously fake smile the first time I really talked to her because I don't know why but my muscles didn't respond well and I couldn't fake it properly and I'm afraid that may have conditioned the way she sees me. If I knew what to do... I mean, the most reasonable choice may be to not want to be with her, as like I said, she doesn't give me good chills (buenas vibraciones), but I'm afraid I will feel so desperately in need for attention that one day I may go to her again and try to talk to her and something like this may happen again...

I know it sound like paranoia, but I really think I'm in the middle of a flashback and even if I can't change the way she sees me, I can change the way I feel about it.

I talked to an old friend about it, and she told me that she probably is a bad person, which made me worry more and at that point is where I started to really worry about this.

I know, long story. What do you think? Should I try to talk to her? Should I try to avoid her? Should I try not to think about it? Should I think about it? What do I do to feel better? Is she really a bad person? I don't feel anything, I'm numb, but if I felt something, I would felt pain, anger, sadness, but especially rejection. Why did she reject me (if she did), because of my reputation? Is my past literally haunting me? Have this ever happened to any of you?

They judged me, they labelled me (etiquetar), it's true, but I'm not better than them, since I do it too. I'm wondering, there is a proverb in spanish that says: "el ladrón cree que todos son de su condición", which literally means: "the burglar thinks everyone is like him/her" which means that we tend to think that other people are like us and do the things we do, so maybe if I'm afraid people may judge and label me it is because I do the same thing. I wish I could stop...

I don't have to demonstrate I'm not a loser or someone you should treat without respect. I have nothing to demonstrate.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Sounds like a lot of anxiety in that EF, I'm sorry to hear. ^^" From my honest outside POV, I don't think she wanted to hurry because of you. When I was in school, if someone didn't like another, they wouldn't just shove them off or try to leave the room asap. Most of the time they would just talk sensibly. And honestly rarely anyone gives a crap about reputation. Students especially have a lot more stuff to think about than silly past stories. I'd suggest to not think about it but as we all know, you can't really just tell someone with CPTSD to not think about it. lol I don't know what else advice to give, other than I hope you can get out of that EF soon. ^^

[BlancaLap]

Sounds like a lot of anxiety in that EF, I'm sorry to hear. ^^" From my honest outside POV, I don't think she wanted to hurry because of you. When I was in school, if someone didn't like another, they wouldn't just shove them off or try to leave the room asap. Most of the time they would just talk sensibly. And honestly rarely anyone gives a crap about reputation. Students especially have a lot more stuff to think about than silly past stories. I'd suggest to not think about it but as we all know, you can't really just tell someone with CPTSD to not think about it. lol I don't know what else advice to give, other than I hope you can get out of that EF soon. ^^

Thank you AphoticAtramentous,  , but what means talk sensibly?

[sanmagic7]

it seemed to me, from what you described, blanca, that the first girl who was meters ahead might have wanted the girl who was talking to you to hurry up, but maybe whispered cuz she didn't want to seem rude and interrupting your conversation.  i don't think she was necessarily whispering about you personally, so, if it were me, i wouldn't be too concerned about it.

it does sound like it triggered you back to an earlier time at school when those kinds of things may have happened and someone wasn't being very nice,   i wouldn't think this was the same case, though.  university level students often have more hurrying to do because their schedules are more crowded.  sorry this caused such a bad reaction for you.  big hug.

[BlancaLap]

Thanks sanmagic7, that is what I needed to hear. Honestly, I wasn't so wprry about it until I talked about it with my friend...

[AphoticAtramentous]

Thank you AphoticAtramentous,  , but what means talk sensibly?

I don't know how to explain it. lol Sorry. I was kinda spewing stuff from my mouth in my last post and I've forgotten my train of thought so oops.
But I agree with what San said. They're Uni students, they got better things to do than wrestle with friendships and stuff. X3

[BlancaLap]

Thank you AphoticAtramentous,  , but what means talk sensibly?

I don't know how to explain it. lol Sorry. I was kinda spewing stuff from my mouth in my last post and I've forgotten my train of thought so oops.
But I agree with what San said. They're Uni students, they got better things to do than wrestle with friendships and stuff. X3

Is it like speaking extra politely?

[AphoticAtramentous]

Not extra politely? Just, being averagely polite, like how you'd talk to any stranger. "Hey, that's cool. Nice." I dunno, man. lol

[DecimalRocket]

Ah that sounds horrible, SnowWhite. I've struggled with social anxiety in my life too.

What I find helpful is to think of other possibilites for the intentions of other people rather than particularly harming or hating you in some way. Most people spend time thinking of themselves in their mind — what they're going to do, what they did, what they want to enjoy doing, what the people close to them are doing — rather than focusing on someone they don't really know.

Probably the worst case scenario is that they'll think you're a little weird, but go back to thinking of their own lives again soon enough.

But I understand if this doesn't fully erase your fears — it takes time. Take care, SnowWhite. 

[Jazzy]

There have been some good points here, such as try not to think (or at least realize) that everything is about you. For the most part, people are primarily worried about their own lives.

Another thing that may help is to try not to put so much consideration in to what one person's opinion is. Even if this person was whispering because of you (which is unlikely), what actual impact does that have on your life? Does she have any control over you, like setting your grades? If not, then it is not worth such concern.

There's a saying I've known for many years that goes "Out of 7 billion + people in the world, not everyone likes one another." I try to find some consolation in that. A lot of things are personal preference, and if one person doesn't like something/someone, that is more about their preference than the actual thing/person.

Hopefully that helps. I'm not really sure how to emotionally process it all, so I can't offer any advice on that. Maybe a song and dance will help you smile?   

[BlancaLap]

Thanks jazzy

[BlancaLap]

Today I was in the bus with a classmate, and when we get out and say goodbye, she smiled at me with a really forced smile, or that's what it looked like to me. I mean, I smile to people like that, and I think I smiled her back like that too, but I don't do it because I don't enjoy the people's company, it's just that I don't feel joy, not manner what, I'm dissociated and unable to feel joy, but for me when someone smiles me like that, I automatically think it is because they didn't enjoy my company. I usually struggle to find out what to do in every situation, what is polite and what not, what is appropiate and what not, so I think I may behave innappropately and that's why they didn't enjoy my company. It's not that I care, it is that makes me feel like I'm in danger... Is this an EF?

[Jazzy]

IDK Blanca, I don't think any one else can say if you are in an EF or not. From what you're saying though, it sounds like you're stuck in survival mode.

I wish there was something I could do to help you relax.

Sorry I'm not feeling too helpful right now, I'm having a bit of a tough time with myself. Take care of yourself though. Here is a real smile for you!

[BlancaLap]

IDK Blanca, I don't think any one else can say if you are in an EF or not. From what you're saying though, it sounds like you're stuck in survival mode.

I wish there was something I could do to help you relax.

Sorry I'm not feeling too helpful right now, I'm having a bit of a tough time with myself. Take care of yourself though. Here is a real smile for you!

Thanks 

[Jazzy]

How are you doing Blanca? Christmas time is coming up soon, I hope that's helpful for you. Are you able to relax, and maybe sneak away on a vacation for a bit?

I've been thinking about you recently, I hope you're doing alright. Sorry I didn't ask sooner, it's really hard to keep the days straight right now.