Staying alert to not feel afraid

[PeTe]

I try to stay alert by busying myself in many ways, consciously and unconsciously.

Today I tried to deliberately walk at a slower than normal pace as I've read it triggers fight/flight++. I sped up uncosciously several times, but forced myself to go slow. Then I felt it, how frightened I was. I could really feel that I'd been speeding up to avoid people and dangerous situations (flight). It was just a very general feeling, like I was afraid of everyone and anything could happen. It felt really vulnerable and sad.

When I got home, I could still feel that I was afraid just being at home, even though I was alone. It's a terrible thing. And it says so much about how bad some things in my life have been, to make me feel like that.

It's progress, and something I can grieve, but it sure is hard to discover some of these things.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Sorry to hear about that, PeTe. I can understand the want to speed up, get things done, get back to safety as soon as possible. I walk a bit faster than I need to as well, was always being told to slow down. Will you still be trying to stop yourself from walking fast and instead trying to slow down? Or is it a bit too much do you think?

[sanmagic7]

i totally agree it's hard to discover some of these things.  i do the flight thing by hurrying, also - not necessarily walking fast, but by getting all my chores/errands done so that i can go back to my room and relax.  just by saying that here, i discovered how unrelaxed i must feel the rest of the time.  yikes!

[Three Roses]

Sometimes progress is hard. Like developing stronger muscles, it's tiring but makes us stronger in the end. Hang in there!

[PeTe]

Thanks. If I only relaxed when I came home, but I'm still hurrying to do stuff there or playing games or whatever to occupy myself. Even with friends I've had a hard time relaxing, though I've been taking some really small steps there. I will walk slowly, at least at times

[BlancaLap]

It happens to me sometimes, I hate doing nothing, because it seems I'm wasting my time. In the end, I'm just afraid, but I ran away from the feeling, from myself... it's hard to face the fear

[AphoticAtramentous]

It happens to me sometimes, I hate doing nothing, because it seems I'm wasting my time. In the end, I'm just afraid, but I ran away from the feeling, from myself... it's hard to face the fear

This resonated with me quite a bit. It's the Flight response keeping me on my toes I think.

[PaintedCloud]

Absolutely! I find that my steps quicken and my movements are almost jerky when this happens.  i have to force myself to slow down, and be more aware of my surroundings, in a peaceful way.

[LittleBird]

It's good you're taking control over that, it's really useful. I forget how much my mind responds to physical stress/strain, usually until I get run down. I hope you feel better from going at a slower pace and feel better rested overall.

[PeTe]

It feels somewhat good to walk slowly, even though I've always "hated it". Today, when I practiced the zen of walking, I felt worthless and vulnerable. Just another layer of feelings. With all those hidden feelings tied to walking, I understand why I've hated walking slowly. I'm both "escaping" my fear and I'm being efficient, hence less worthless. It feels strange to put a name to those feelings. I'm glad I have a few friends I can talk with and my therapist. I figure I need validation of my experience and feelings from others, so I don't feel so worthless. I hope with time self esteem is something I can keep with me more of the time

[sanmagic7]

sending you a hug full of validation for your experience.  you are in the process of discovering yourself anew.  awkward, difficult, scary, but progress nonetheless.  yay, you, pete.

[PeTe]

Thanks for cheering me on  Awkward is a very good description of it  I feel a bit like Bambi on ice, when I'm taking my slow steps.

[sanmagic7]

great visual!

[Blueberry]

you are in the process of discovering yourself anew.  awkward, difficult, scary, but progress nonetheless.  yay, you, pete.

You're also making conscious steps towards recovery. 

[PeTe]

Thanks Blueberry. You're very good at seeing when people take steps towards recovery and commending them for it. I'd like to commend you for that 

I must admit, lately it's been more of a heavy feeling, and with my usual impatience, I'd wish I'd progress faster. It's good I'm doing this, even though it's sending me on an emotional rollercoaster!