Please HELP! LOST track of time - 5-6 hours *Possible Trigger Warning*

[silver_lining]

HI Everyone,
Apologies in advance for my post being all over the placea, I'm slightly frazzled by this experience.

So, as my post says I completely lost track of 5-6 hours of time yesterday, doing and acting "crazy".
I little back story to give my situation a little more context.... Last week a close friend of mine and my bfs best friend committed suicide, both of our birthdays was in that week, and thanksgiving. Aside from the holidays, Ive spent the last week or so supporting my SO, and my friends family/boyfriend. Wednesday, thursday and saturday evening, my house tried to get broken into by 3-5 16-19 yo kids...  I was home alone during each encounter and had to bring out guns, and all together was a triggering enough situation.

Yesterday comes, the day of my friends funeral, and both my SO and I were very uncomfortable with how to service was being handled, But of course we went to show support for our friend, and the close family. Long story short, I saw people from my past I DID not want to see, and got triggered!?

I lost track of the last half of the service, leaving, getting home, yelling, screaming, threatening to kill myself, going off my SO, & I even hit him!! I'm at a loss of words for the situation that took place because, I have absolutely never in my life experienced something like this, to the extent that it went to and I can't even recall a thing. I have no clue what happened, or why I acted in that manor. It all apparently started when we were leaving  and some women (a friend of the mothers/ meth addict) said to me as I walked by, * DID YOU JUST SAY?! I'm the mothers best friend, did you just say * as you were walking out!?" I did, but  I was thinking about something completely unrelated to any of the situation there, and was muttering * at something I was thinking about,& from there it goes blank.
Completely blank, I can't remember a thing. What I know though, Is i was yelling at SO the whole way home, telling him to F off, and a whole list of horrible awful things. My SO said it was like I was a completely different person, like a scared teenager or something...

I'm embarrassed, ashamed, and so so so confused. I really would llke some help, or insight if anyone has every experienced or heard of something like this happening to them?
Any advice is welcome
Thank you anyone who take the time to read my post,
Silver

[Three Roses]

This sounds to me as tho you've experienced a dissociative episode. Maybe, at that moment, you really WERE a scared teenager? I've had them myself, and they are very confusing, but understandable for us. With all the stress you were under, it's no wonder! I'm very foggy today and no energy or I'd say more but I'm sure others will have input too. Sorry this happened to you.

[silver_lining]

This sounds to me as tho you've experienced a dissociative episode. Maybe, at that moment, you really WERE a scared teenager? I've had them myself, and they are very confusing, but understandable for us. With all the stress you were under, it's no wonder! I'm very foggy today and no energy or I'd say more but I'm sure others will have input too. Sorry this happened to you.

Hi ThreeRoses,
Thank you for responding even though your foggy and have no energy! I appreciate it, a lot. A dissociative episode? Is this separate from DID!?!?
I'm really scared I may have a Co-occuring disorder, like, CPTD & DID!? But I don't know, I have enter experienced anything like this, and feel like, you may be right, because I definitely acted out like my teenage self, emotionally disregulated, rude, mean, thoughtless, and scared. I hope though, that this could be a symptom of CPTSD, somewhere?!

I feel so ashamed, and so embarrassed. Yesterdays went was the LAST place to have any sort of episode or act the I did. I can't comprehend what happened, why, or what was going on.... But, everything I've heard is I acted completely, awful, obnoxious, rude, scary, suicidle,all while at the same time can't recall any of it... but only ever so slightly, like I get slumps, but can't put together a full picture/story.

Thank you again, threeroses, I hope you get rest and will feel less foggy soon!

[Three Roses]

Of course I'm not a doctor, and I know you know I can't diagnose you, but dissociative episodes are completely separate from Dissociative Identity Disorder.

According to Mental Health America (http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/conditions/dissociation-and-dissociative-disorders):

What is Dissociation?
Dissociation is a mental process that causes a lack of connection in a person's thoughts, memory and sense of identity. Dissociation seems to fall on a continuum of severity. Mild dissociation would be like daydreaming, getting "lost" in a book, or when you are driving down a familiar stretch of road and realize that you do not remember the last several miles. A severe and more chronic form of dissociation is seen in the disorder Dissociative Identity Disorder, once called Multiple Personality Disorder, and other Dissociative Disorders.

I've had these before, they're confusing and made me doubt my own sanity. Knowing they're a well-known symptom of CPTSD is comforting.

Hope that helps, see their website for more, or maybe someone has more info. Community?

[Dee]

Not the same, but similar.  I have lost time when triggered.  I had my inpatient therapist tell me that I yelled at him that another patient goes or I do (my confidentiality was violated).  I don't remember saying that.  I don't remember any of it.  It's not the first time I have done that and I am sure not the last.  Still, I do dissociate, bur don't have DID.  I have been told that dissociating is included with CPTSD and we can leave it there.  Sounds good to me.

[Andyman73]

silver lining,

I've lost thousands of hours over my lifetime. While never having had a full blown rage attack, I've done and said things with 0 knowledge until someone else said something that I knew nothing about. DID and CPTSD tend to go hand in hand. You can have CPTSD with out dissociative symptoms, but not the other way round. DID and dissociation is usually the result of deep trauma.

Safe  if okay.

[Blueberry]

This sounds to me as tho you've experienced a dissociative episode. Maybe, at that moment, you really WERE a scared teenager? I've had them myself, and they are very confusing, but understandable for us. With all the stress you were under, it's no wonder!

     I was out, in and out, between remembering and mostly not remembering for 3 weeks a number of years ago. It was awful... Never want to end up there again. Most of it is still blank, some people told me parts of the episode later. Lots of it was out of character for me, OTOH I said some things to FOO that I never would have in my right mind, so I think it's good I was in my 'wrong mind' for a while. It came as a result of retraumatisation. I don't have DID.

I was acting out younger selves some of the time, so I can identify with your SO saying you acted like a scared teenager. Could make a whole lot of sense.   

May I suggest lots of regrounding? Or are you good and grounded again? If so, you're doing brilliantly. Safe  if OK.                                               

[BlancaLap]

I'm so sorry you had to deal with such and awful story and woman (the meth addict?). I agree with that they have told you, it seems like a dissociative episode.

[silver_lining]

Hi everyone,
Thank you ALL for your responses.
I'm really at a loss of words, still. The last few days, Tuesday, Wednesday, and today have been a huge blur. Lots of emotional outbreaks, like my preteen/teenage self. Scared, volatile, aggressive & mean....
I don't know what to say to my SO, or the people who have been around me during these episodes, because I can't remember. I feel so embarrassed, ashamed, like I don't know what to say or how to react. It makes me want to hide, or run far far away... Where no one knows me, or sees, or knows I exist. I must still be in a sort of flashback like state, feeling so small n' all, but I don't know what to do, what to say, or how to behave. 

I know i have to take full responsibility for the awful things I said during these outbursts, but it's so hard because I feel like it'd be taking responsibility of something "I" didn't do - It feels more like I'm taking responsibility for someone "elses" mistakes.!? I don't know how to explain it other then like that, it was me, all while at the same time it wasn't but a compartmentalized part of myself thats very very hurt, scared, and angry as *. I can't get over how ugly in character I have been becoming in these states either...

How do I make things right? Or how do I step up and take responsibility for these situations I feel like, I literally couldn't really control and literally had no recollection of it happening until after the fact?
This sucks, a lot.
I know recovery is two steps forward and one step back, but this time it just feels like full blown regression to my maladaptive ways of being. Ive turned into being just like my FOO, just plain mean and disrespectful.

Thanks again for all your support, and input. Its made me feel like i'm not completely losing my mind

Always, silver

[HabitudeII]

You're not alone silver_lining - we hear you and love you (hugs)

I can hear your shame and self-judgement and how much you're hurting. I'm so sorry. It sounds incredibly stressful. I don't know that I would have been able to show up for my SO's friend's funeral the way that you did. You are very courageous.

For right now, please focus on taking care of yourself kindly if you can. There's time later to look back and decide if you need to do anything about what happened.

FWIW: dissociating is a type of 'flee' response to trauma (it's one of the four Fs that Pete Walker describes: fight, flight, freeze, fawn - http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm). I've done it a lot, and there are parts of my teens that I just can't remember. After years of therapy I still do it from time to time in sessions with my T, and after many years I can now start to catch that I'm dissociating and interrupt it. Some things that can help with dissociation, that my T does if seeing me start to, is to feel your feet on the ground, the chair under you, the warm/cool air around you, etc.  Some people like to put weighted things on their feet or lap or belly, and as Blueberry mentioned there are many grounding techniques available.

As far as I understand, dissociating from time to time, or even for a period of time is quite different to DID. This not-for-profit's website has some descriptions I like of CPTSD and DID. I like their approach because they're an organization dedicated to helping DID and CPTSD survivors and their empathy and caring comes through in every blog post (if you're interested, here's the link: https://www.beautyafterbruises.org/blog/didmyths).

I don't mean to preach or overload you with information. I can hear how frightened you are and how bad this feels. Please take care of yourself. This too will pass.

[Blueberry]

You're not alone silver_lining - we hear you and love you (hugs)

For right now, please focus on taking care of yourself kindly if you can. There's time later to look back and decide if you need to do anything about what happened.

Take care of yourself. Try and re-ground. Like by stamping your feet or pushing off walls. If it's still too much for you to be grounded all the time, then let yourself drift so long as you are safe eg in your own house, with SO etc.

Self-care for a small you can be good if you can manage. One of my Teen Selves likes to dance to music or remain in bed all day. I allow that on occasion. Really Small Selves might like to be wrapped in a blanket or might like to scribble with different colours on paper.

[DecimalRocket]

Man, that sounds tough. I remember when I used to have outbursts like that in a more difficult time of my recovery. It's terrible. 

It's best to slowly ground yourself . . . you can go google grounding techniques online if you want to. But one of the things I've learned is that you can take this grouding thing slowly — dissociation is harmful in taking action on what you need to do in the long term, but some amount of it is needed to slow down the process of feeling all those intense negative emotions — as I've read in one of Pete Walker's books.

Emotional numbness is needed in emergencies — to prevent a person from harming themselves or others in damaging ways. Of course, not all of life is an emergency and eventually you have to feel to enjoy the experience of being fully human, but for now, you seem like you need some dissociation.

Whatever you choose, take it slow and be kind to yourself. You deserve it after all the pain you went through.

[Rainagain]

Silver lining,
What happened was not your fault, you don't have to own up to anything as you were acting out due to being traumatised/retraumatised.

You can't blame yourself for things you can't control, if you'd had an epileptic fit due to overwhelm then people would get it, its not your fault that they didn't really see what was happening for what it was.

I have wierd symptoms due to cptsd, some I remember and some I don't.

Just be kind to yourself, no need to be ashamed, I would guess a lot of us on here have similar problems, I know that I do.

[PeTe]

Silver_lining, that sounds like an extremely stressful week! No wonder you get some big reactions to it.

I haven't had such strong dissociative episodes, but I thought I'd give you  input on some other tthings you write. You write that you've been taking care of others during this week. Has someone been taking care of you? Otherwise, you could ask for that, because I think you need that now.

If you have the possibility, seeing a therapist would also be a nice way to own up to yourself and get support. 

I hope for calmer, better days for you 

[cornczech]

TW - violence

I just found out a name for what I suspected was as a result of severe childhood abuse and continuing trauma with things that have happened in my adult life: (death, rapes, violence, etc). I recently was arrested (and assaulted) by a local sheriff's deputy for a suspected DUI, (I was out of my car and the "case" is no longer on file, I am sure pending my blood tests....I blew a 0.07 about 2 hours or less after the blood draw). I was accused of assaulting a LE and resisting arrest...but here is the kicker: I do not remember a darn thing after the cop started screaming at me and grabbed me by the arm. The only reason I know I flipped out is because of a phone call my husband made to me as this even began (he stated he could hear the cop screaming at me i the background and that I told him the cop was going to shoot me), and witnesses who said I was screaming rape and help me help me repeatedly and I ran, crawled under the cop's truck and had to be drug out. (I assume I kicked the cop during this fiasco). I woke up perfectly clear headed with 6 cops holding me down, one with his hand on my face....as they were forcing my arm still for the blood test

while in alcohol treatment, (yes, I am a 15 year long daily drinker), my therapist told me I suffered the classic symptoms of PTSD (chronic) and that I probably disassociated from the violence.....I was covered head to toe in bruises and the skin on both ankles was completely rubbed off from the four point restraints I woke up in the hospital with. I ALSO suffer from epilepsy, so I could have also had a seizure....I will NEVER EVER know the truth. I Do know I did not drink enough to "black out" ( I "woke up" with perfect clarity of memory in the hospital with the 4 point restraints, nurses laughing and telling me I deserved what I got and then to the jail blowing a 0.07.....)


This is not the FIRST time I have "blacked out" like this as a result of violence (nor the first time I have freaked out so badly). I think the only reason the sexual assault I suffered in Chicago in 2013 didn't turn into a rape and probably murder was because I freaked out then.....and was found wandering the streets of downtown Chicago by a bus driver who called the police. I also freaked out like this when I was in basic training in the Navy in 1985.....suffice it to say, I was thrown out of the Navy. In THOSE days, (the 80's), I was told I had "Borderline Personality Disorder". I am 51 years old and have this ability to "leave" my body when I am in extreme distress.

TW - suicide

I seem to have written too much and will end this with the statement that you are not alone.......
I know I now have MANY years of therapy ahead.....not only for my alcoholism, (before the alcohol, I was an anorexic.....), but for this PTSD from years and years of severe abuse and being raised by an alcoholic, schizophrenic mother and violent alcoholic step-father. My brother died (or killed himself, I will never know for sure) in 2008 when he was only 38 years old..........
sigh