The right to be a person

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BlancaLap

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The right to be a person
« on: November 30, 2017, 06:10:58 PM »
Do you feel people don't treat you fairly? Do you feel they don't treat you with respect? Or like they treat everybody else? Or even like a person, like a human being? Doesn't it hurt deep deep down? I know, right?

Why do they do that? Well... I have been wondering that all my life. Why? What have I done?

I used to act weird, but that's only because I was dissociated. And that doesn't give to the rest of the people the right to treat me unfairly.

I know this because I have been in both sides. In the side of the people who act weird, and the people who don't and see others act weird.

For the people who see, it is like the person who acts weird... doesn't even act like a person. It gives you a bad feeling... and of course, you don't like that feeling. But here is the question, does it give you an excuse to treat that person like s/he is not one? I mean, s/he doesn't even act like a person, but s/he is. So, how do you treat her/him?

People see me and think that because I don't act like a person they have the right to treat me like I'm not one, that's where they are wrong. I don't care if I make you feel bad, I'm a person, so treat me with respect, even if you think I don't deserve it, because my behaviour has an explanation, and it can happen to you, so don't act like you will never be like this. I have seen my right being violated because of this again and again. And that's what prevents me from recovering.

The thing is, I act this way because I have been treated like * since childhood, and you came here and treat me like that again? Yeah, it really helps... (irony).

We have rights, and we want to see them being respected. If anyone thinks that s/he has the right to treat you unfairly, say NO! Cause s/he hasn't

Can someone relate to what I'm saying?
« Last Edit: November 30, 2017, 06:35:13 PM by BlancaLap »

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sanmagic7

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Re: The right to be a person
« Reply #1 on: November 30, 2017, 09:28:26 PM »
i can't personally relate, snowhite, but i know it happens and it shouldn't.  there is, to my mind, no excuse for not treating a person with dignity, respect, and kindness. 

very sorry you've had this happen in your life.  you didn't ask for it, you don't deserve it.  glad you're here.  you'll find that there are others who have also had your experience, but that won't treat you like you're some kind of weird.  we've all got our challenges here, we're all battling the unfairness that has been handed to us.   welcome.

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Boatsetsailrose

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Re: The right to be a person
« Reply #2 on: December 01, 2017, 10:55:46 AM »
Snow White welcome x
For me I am learning that as I give my attention and focus to my own presence and healing I reclaim a little more of me back each time. The outer ways people treat me, is as I see it a reflection of how I treat myself, they become my best mirror and light . Itís painful and I can hate others so easily but the focus has to be on me and my development if I am going to reclaim myself bit by bit.

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Kizzie

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Re: The right to be a person
« Reply #3 on: December 01, 2017, 08:20:13 PM »
Quote
But here is the question, does it give you an excuse to treat that person like s/he is not one? I mean, s/he doesn't even act like a person, but s/he is. So, how do you treat her/him?

As I recover and practice self-care more and more, I find I am able to disengage from people who do not treat me well.  I've come to see that it is not something I have done or not done that causes their behaviour, it is something inside of them, that they have a problem. So I disengage, walk away from them and leave them to sort themselves out (or not). 

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BlancaLap

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Re: The right to be a person
« Reply #4 on: December 01, 2017, 09:17:04 PM »
Quote
But here is the question, does it give you an excuse to treat that person like s/he is not one? I mean, s/he doesn't even act like a person, but s/he is. So, how do you treat her/him?

As I recover and practice self-care more and more, I find I am able to disengage from people who do not treat me well.  I've come to see that it is not something I have done or not done that causes their behaviour, it is something inside of them, that they have a problem. So I disengage, walk away from them and leave them to sort themselves out (or not).

You're right, it's not your fault, you didn't make them treat you that way, the same as me, I didn't make them treat me bad, but it's hard to see, because sometimes it doesn't matter how many times I repeat myself it's not my fault... it's hard to see it is not your fault.

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Kizzie

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Re: The right to be a person
« Reply #5 on: December 01, 2017, 10:46:07 PM »
It is I know Blancalap  :yes: 

It takes practice to learn something new (e.g., "I am not responsible for this person's behaviour, they are."), and unlearn something old (e.g., "I deserve to be treated badly because I am broken, bad, worthless ..... :blahblahblah:"). 

Maybe try and give yourself the gift of time in this   :hug:

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goth_mike

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Re: The right to be a person
« Reply #6 on: December 08, 2017, 03:12:45 PM »
I can certainly relate to that feeling, and ended up over time deliberately exaggerating my "eccentricity" or "general weirdness" sometimes so that people wound't actually try to relate to me, such was my fear of others (which I now realised was conditioned from an early age) and suspicion of them (outer critic doing its thing).

Luckily as recovery inches along, I now realise that almost everyone is quite badly hurt in some way, but very few are willing to acknowledge the fact to themselves (let alone others) because it would mean facing their pain "head-on" as we are now having to do, and somehow work through it (I believe how that is done varies between individuals).  Because of that shift in belief, my irritation (which sometimes boiled over into strong verbal outbursts which were unexpected (defence mechanism)) has now turned into feeling sorry for them instead.  Luckily, having been drinking / self-medicating less, my intellect has returned so in the (luckily rare) cases where someone is actually deliberately malicious it has become easier to verbally destroy them (only where necessary) without upsetting myself or innocent bystanders!

I have also discovered that I actually have some very good friends (and some not-so-good former "friends") who previously I always kept at a distance due to a fear that if anyone did anything nice for me or acted in a caring way, that they were only trying to get me to "let my guard down" so that they could use the opportunity to humiliate me in any way they desired, for their own satisfaction.

At the moment I still withdraw sometimes for a week or so, but luckily the periods of feeling "safe enough" are getting longer...

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BlancaLap

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Re: The right to be a person
« Reply #7 on: December 08, 2017, 04:03:56 PM »
You are right, goth_mike, everyone in this society is hurt some way or another, and the only way to recover is face the pain, and not everyone is willing to do it, sometimes it takes for you to be extremely hurt to be willing to do it, not because you want to, but because you have no other option. I mean, if you ask me if I would rather be dissociated all my life or to have to face my true true feelings, I don't know what to answer, because it hurts so much... I wish more people were able to see that they are hurt instead of think they are not because "it was nothing compared to what other people have faced" or "it didn't affect them that much", cause it's not true, but it is hard to recognize, or to even believe. I sometimes, myself, feel like what happened to me was no big deal... but it was, cause it hurts so much... but the thing is right now I don't feel the pain, I know it is in there, but I can't reach it, so of course it feels like it is no big deal.

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goth_mike

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Re: The right to be a person
« Reply #8 on: December 08, 2017, 06:56:06 PM »
I hear you!  I started by realising that I felt literally NOTHING and began to explore the feelings beneath the emptiness.  Further research led me to childhood emotional neglect, then further to CPSTD where the "search" for the answer to "what is wrong with me???" ended.

It was a huge leap to realise that my well-meaning FOO had not done as good a job as they (and I) previously thought!  Many just can't face that due to one of many unwritten societal rules, in this case "respect your elders" etc.

But we have to work through these things because at worst (in my case) we'd die of it otherwise, at best living and dying as hollow shells of the people nature / God / oneness intended us to be.

Indeed there is much hurt I still carry which is gradually coming to the surface.  It seems my inner child hid his feelings from my adult self just like he had to during (what should have been) development.

But the hurt will either kill us in the end or make us bitter, destined to repeat the mistakes which led to us becoming hurt, and perpetuating the cycle.  I don't have a family or kids of my own, but I solemnly promise to myself and the rest of the world that this will end here, with my generation, I could not bear to treat any of my own descendants in such a way.

These days I freely admit that in many ways I am "maladjusted" and am proud of it.  After all, what's the point being well adjusted to a sick society?

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BlancaLap

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Re: The right to be a person
« Reply #9 on: December 08, 2017, 07:32:36 PM »
These days I freely admit that in many ways I am "maladjusted" and am proud of it.  After all, what's the point being well adjusted to a sick society?

You are right, nobody should be adjusted to a society that is sick or that embraces aggressiveness or violence.

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OrinIncandenza

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Re: The right to be a person
« Reply #10 on: December 15, 2017, 10:44:54 AM »
100% blanca, particularly wondering why certain people have treated me as subhuman while treating everyone else (including complete strangers) with more respect and care. The first emotion to come out of that is naturally a conclusion that something is uniquely off about you. Being away from the abuse has helped me reduce my own self-doubt and self-hatred and experience some recovery as a result. You were robbed of the opportunity to develop a sense of self that was not premised on the negative input of others, but in my experience it is possible to develop a more generous understanding of yourself. The most important thing I've recognized since coming to acknowledge my abuse is that there was and is absolutely nothing inherently wrong with me that has justified the abuse. Nothing at all. Why some saw fit to treat me as if there was I'll never know, but it had everything to do with them and nothing to do with me.

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BlancaLap

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Re: The right to be a person
« Reply #11 on: December 15, 2017, 10:48:31 AM »
100% blanca, particularly wondering why certain people have treated me as subhuman while treating everyone else (including complete strangers) with more respect and care. The first emotion to come out of that is naturally a conclusion that something is uniquely off about you. Being away from the abuse has helped me reduce my own self-doubt and self-hatred and experience some recovery as a result. You were robbed of the opportunity to develop a sense of self that was not premised on the negative input of others, but in my experience it is possible to develop a more generous understanding of yourself. The most important thing I've recognized since coming to acknowledge my abuse is that there was and is absolutely nothing inherently wrong with me that has justified the abuse. Nothing at all. Why some saw fit to treat me as if there was I'll never know, but it had everything to do with them and nothing to do with me.

Thanks OrinIncandenza, I hate so much when they do that, they should treat us with the same respect... Glad to hear you are better now. Good luck.

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BlancaLap

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Re: The right to be a person
« Reply #12 on: December 15, 2017, 05:44:04 PM »
Something that happens to me is that if I was more dissociated, I would be totally fine with going to a stranger and tell him/her my life. I talked about it to my new T and she told me that it would be really violent (we say it this way in Spain) and she is right. I think that when you are used to violence, nothing is violent to you. Things like respect, common sense... don't make sense, because that is something people know because they feel them, but I don't feel anything... at least when I don't try to. Telling your life to a complete stranger, even if it is your new T, is violent... I guess... are we violent without knowing or wanting to be? Are we dangerous? Are we "the bad guys"?

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Gromit

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Re: The right to be a person
« Reply #13 on: December 17, 2017, 10:49:10 AM »
There are definitely people around who do not see me as a real person, a wise old lady in an Al-Anon group said my mother was one of them, to her I was not a real person.

Luckily I find people who do treat me as if I am real, but they are not especially close to me.

Sometimes even my OH does it too, in which case a reminder 'don't speak to me like that' helps. Can't think why I don't have the inspiration to do that with other people who treat me like 💩 Though.

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BlancaLap

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Re: The right to be a person
« Reply #14 on: December 17, 2017, 12:13:16 PM »
There are definitely people around who do not see me as a real person, a wise old lady in an Al-Anon group said my mother was one of them, to her I was not a real person.

Luckily I find people who do treat me as if I am real, but they are not especially close to me.

Sometimes even my OH does it too, in which case a reminder 'don't speak to me like that' helps. Can't think why I don't have the inspiration to do that with other people who treat me like 💩 Though.

That feels so wrong  nobody should treat you like you're not real. I hope it changes with time.