How to move on? (a bit long, sorry)

[sibling]

I'm sorry to write such a long post. I don't know where to begin, or how to adequately describe what I'm going through without using an abundance of words. I want to get on with my life, but I'm afraid of what will happen every time I step out of the door. I need help on how to move on after most of the negative feelings from the past have subsided, but the beliefs are still there.

I was abused as a child, but in general, the biggest problem I face is feeling like I was just born with a raining cloud over my head in general - and it strikes me with lighting every time I start trying to move away from it. Every single time I've tried to better my situation, something tragic or deeply painful happens, and I'm back where I started. When I talk about it in therapy, there always comes a point where the therapist starts looking distrustful or sympathetic in a fake way, as if though they believe I'm making some of it up. I realise some of it is about me whining too much, but whining is all I can do when they ask about the deeper questions of my life - it just mirrors my life experiences.

As a teen, I dreamed very hard of a brighter future, and would read one self help book after another in a naive attempt to fix myself. I was severely bullied throughout the first ten years of school experience, but in my loneliness I'd practice positive psychology every day for several years, acting obliviously happy even though I was in deep pain. After leaving my first school, I never had much of a social life - or hobbies, really - because every time I tried to do something or became assertive in the slightest, it blew up in my face in almost hilariously unpredictable ways. Now I'm at a time in my life where I should feel relatively secure and have some kind of social network, but I don't.



*SLICE OF NEGATIVE LIFE EXPERIENCES BEGINS*

This section is not as important, just summing up my youth.

I had a very abusive childhood and spent most of my teens varying between thinking it's all about perspective, and desperate attempts to get out of there. Attempts at getting work so that I could make enough money to move away all failed,(the store I worked in closed, I was sexually harassed by my boss, etc.) and so did my attempts at getting social workers, psychiatrists and psychologists to take me seriously about the abuse I experienced at home.

When I finally got accepted at a college I could live at, I jumped at the opportunity. Immediately,(in the first week) my right hand got injured during a gym lesson, and I'm still in deep pain every day, so I can't have any kind of job that requires me lifting even the lightest objects.

At this college, I fell in love with a guy who said I could live with him. I secretly started hoarding money my family sent to support me in college, in order to pay for the deposit of our future apartment - only to have them cutting the support because they didn't like the guy I was with. Right when the guy dumped me and mysteriously disappeared, I had spent all the money I'd saved on college and had to move back home without even finishing the first year.

When I turned 20, my parents finally gave me money to pay deposit for my own apartment. I lived in two months of bliss with parties, almost-boyfriends and just having fun, and then I turned psychotic. Lost all my friends due to paranoia, and was constantly moving around because I thought my neighbours were harassing me and/or planning to kill me. None of the psychologists or psychiatrists thought I needed help,(I knew something was wrong, but not that I heard voices) and I've spent the past six years just trying to get through college. I finally went completely mad while trying to get a university degree, and had to stop an education that turned out to be not worth my while anyway.

One of the biggest problems I have is feeling isolated even when around other people. I get very, very sad or angry because I'm haunted by memories, even though what I mostly do is small talk. I feel very inhibited - if I'm at a place that's crowded, I hear voices, and if I'm watching a movie that has violence in it, I sometimes get flashbacks and panic attacks. I now have hobbies that I care very much about, and I do try to share this with other people - but I rarely stay too long at one place for whatever reason, so I only have long-distance friendships.

*SLICE OF NEGATIVE LIFE EXPERIENCES ENDS*



However, things are starting to brighten for me in ways I didn't imagine. Because of my psychosis becoming severe enough for people in class to notice, I was finally put on anti-psychotics and is doing better. I also got a social worker who actually wanted to help me; he managed to get the state to pay for a school course that will help me get ready for an education with promising hopes of employment(I tried to pass the test this year, and they said I was very close to being good enough, so after this course I'm probably accepted). I'm getting more comfortable with myself, my hand is no longer hurting enough to prevent me from working at a computer, and I'm slowly learning how to eat healthy and prioritise stuff like exercise. I still think my neighbours hate me, but the new ones I've gotten has a very close community, and their talkative nature tends to temper my ever present murder-suspicions.

But I still have a feeling of impending doom about the future. I feel like I couldn't afford to focus on anything other than survival in the past, and now I don't know how to cope with not having problems to run away from. I'm way behind my peers in everything and have no idea what a normal life is. I have zero job experience that's worth typing in a resume. I'm also still dependent on my family in more ways than I'd like, and I don't see how that's going to change in the future. I've never dated a guy who wasn't abusive, and the last time I was included in an actual group of friends that I trusted was ten years ago.

How do I move past these emotions and start living the life I want to? Has anyone here experienced any trauma or had plain unlucky times in their lives, and is fine today(as in, they can hold down a job)? What worked, and what didn't?

(as a final addition, I'm doing group therapy right now, which I thought would be a nice place to vent. But they talk about boyfriends and low-key family issues, and every time  I mention something I think is an actual problem in my life, it seems so severe as compared to theirs - even though I say very little, I think they are annoyed. As an example, one of the main themes of the group therapy is "expecting the worst from other people", and I probably have paranoid schizophrenia and genuinely don't know what's real half the time. I try to act normal but feel like an outcast.)

[Blueberry]

 Welcome to the forum sibling 

You've had many bad experiences, I'm sorry about that. But it's good to also hear that you see some positive changes and that you have a social worker who supports you.

As to your questions: "How do I move past these emotions and start living the life I want to? Has anyone here experienced any trauma or had plain unlucky times in their lives, and is fine today(as in, they can hold down a job)? What worked, and what didn't?"

All of us on here have experienced trauma, we have CPTSD. It doesn't have to be officially diagnosed. But that's the common denominator here. People on here are all at different stages of recovery. I don't know how many people here might say they are fine now. Some might say fine today as opposed to yesterday. That's more the way I look at life too.

I, for one, cannot hold down a job anymore and I'm not the only one. It's not my only criteria for recovery and health, but it is part. There are however other people on here who manage to work but are healing in other areas of their lives.

There's no single, quick, answer for moving past your emotions and getting on with life. You can read around on the website like here http://www.outofthestorm.website/treatment/ and of course throughout the forum.

You can also check here http://pete-walker.com/fAQsComplexPTSD.html for useful information.

[sibling]

Welcome to the forum sibling 

You've had many bad experiences, I'm sorry about that. But it's good to also hear that you see some positive changes and that you have a social worker who supports you.

As to your questions: "How do I move past these emotions and start living the life I want to? Has anyone here experienced any trauma or had plain unlucky times in their lives, and is fine today(as in, they can hold down a job)? What worked, and what didn't?"

All of us on here have experienced trauma, we have CPTSD. It doesn't have to be officially diagnosed. But that's the common denominator here. People on here are all at different stages of recovery. I don't know how many people here might say they are fine now. Some might say fine today as opposed to yesterday. That's more the way I look at life too.

I, for one, cannot hold down a job anymore and I'm not the only one. It's not my only criteria for recovery and health, but it is part. There are however other people on here who manage to work but are healing in other areas of their lives.

There's no single, quick, answer for moving past your emotions and getting on with life. You can read around on the website like here http://www.outofthestorm.website/treatment/ and of course throughout the forum.

You can also check here http://pete-walker.com/fAQsComplexPTSD.html for useful information.

Hi Blueberry I want to answer this before I go to sleep.

You  are right about good and bad days - I have a habit of looking at my life in the big picture(too big, perhaps) and believe that I have to make up for the lost years immediately. Perhaps looking at it the way you do, I can be more at peace with myself.

I know the things I wrote seems outlandish on a forum about CPTSD. The reason I don't focus on my childhood in my post, is because I have tried to be my own therapist about it since I was 15 - so it would feel like beating a dead horse. What I haven't dealt with yet, is the disappointment I feel when I face the years I've lost, in spite of trying almost anything to achieve a better life.

The links were also very helpful, especially the one by Pete Walker - I'll save it to read on bad days. His talk about fight-or-flight is something I can feel happen less and less. The thing I'm nervous about is that my problems due to the past are things that can only be solved by waiting it out - and I feel like I'm too disabled in other ways to do that. Achieving normalcy and becoming independent is all I care about.

Even though you can't hold a job, it's still nice to hear about how someone else has experienced life after they escaped from the actual abuse. It's why I've been browsing this forum, and outofthefog for years(storm, I know) 

[Three Roses]

I don't have anything to add except a hearty welcome!