From trauma to frustration

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JamesG

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From trauma to frustration
« on: December 03, 2017, 08:37:03 AM »
so....

well I'm definitly recovering, the churning emotion and anxiety is fading and in fits and starts, my old self is coming back. But as with everything about this condition, it's not a straight line.

I'm wading through these projects and as usual, the editors have messed up the schedules and everyone is in a bad mood, I'm working instead of recovering and I'm face to face with a whole bunch of triggers. On the whole tho, I'm weathering them better, but I'm struggling to keep alcohol at arm's length. This is not drinking to get legless and crash out, it's more to get me out of the flat and get a sense of kicking back. Trouble is that it collides with my meds and the next day, even on small amounts, my head is useless. It's a real impasse. Stay in without alcohol and I get miserable, go out I feel ok, if a bit of a barfly, and then wake up with a brain like a root vegetable. Inner city, winter, my alternatives are not brilliant.

However, last week I had a flash of personal productivity that blew my socks off. I finally had confirmation that the work with my troublesome biz partner is ending, but that a new editor who I find a breeze to work with is coming on stream. The clients are happy, I'm happy, she's happy. A weight lifted there, I can tell you. My biz partner is not a narc, but he's hugely complex and he's been a major element in my getting C-PTSD. If I can wing keeping the work but having a different team I could really change the landscape.

So after that I felt really energised and threw myself at my contacts to see what else I could make happen. And it was a fair old bit. My substantial back catalogue of artworks is bound for picture libraries, a few other teams want me on side for book pitches and then I started advertising my novels with renewed vigor.

But it didn't last.

That's the rub as you recover, the upward curve becomes a sawtooth, the highs followed by sharp crashes as you think you've escaped, but havn't. C-PTSD is nasty.

The antidote is to expect the crashes and do everything you can to build them in to your expectations, use them even. I made the mistake this week of dropping my guard when it went and acting as if I was well. I'm not well, my adrenal system is still very challenged and I don't have the emotional energy to sustain "normal". So lesson learned. C-PTSD is here til it decides to leave and it won't be rushed.

Meanwhile big changes. I am moving to Wales. London is horribly expensive and it is working against me as a writer. I had planned to get a job but it's clear that that is unlikely to be an option, and even if it was, my energy is way too unpredictable to carry it through. So freelancing it is, that way I can control my day. BUt it has to be in a cheaper place and as I have friends in Wales, and the costs are below half what I'm paying here in LOndon, it's a no brainer. The emphasis is going to be on writing of course, right now my sales are close to be able to pay my rent and that plus a bit of freelancing will work.

so yeah, up, down.

onwards

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Rainagain

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Re: From trauma to frustration
« Reply #1 on: December 03, 2017, 10:39:56 AM »
Hi James
You have a lot of stuff going on, its going to be causing you a lot of worry I'd guess.

Keep on keeping on.


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Three Roses

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Re: From trauma to frustration
« Reply #2 on: December 03, 2017, 04:24:34 PM »
I'll be rooting for you! I thoroughly enjoyed the short story you linked me to - I sat and listened to it non-stop! You really have a gift, I'm cheering you on.  :cheer:

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JamesG

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Re: From trauma to frustration
« Reply #3 on: December 03, 2017, 05:56:40 PM »
thanks guys

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Blueberry

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Re: From trauma to frustration
« Reply #4 on: December 04, 2017, 06:45:11 AM »
Sounds good despite the up down. Because you are moving onwards. And because you realise that we unfortunately have to deal with up and down, and I'd add to a greater degree than people without CPTSD, who say "life goes up and down". Yeah but not quite as deeply as in our lives. Anyway, you say, you are learning.  :applause: That's a big part of all we can do. Keep learning about self with CPTSD and keep going.

I have similar work issues to you with the unpredictability of energy, so working freelance. You sound more successful though, good on you  :thumbup:

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JamesG

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Re: From trauma to frustration
« Reply #5 on: December 04, 2017, 07:55:18 AM »
well I was more successsful, the last two years were hit really bad by events and the aftermath. I inherited a modest amount when my mum died, then had to live on it. That sucked. I'm taking my return to work very slowly, but I'm getting there

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Contessa

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Re: From trauma to frustration
« Reply #6 on: December 04, 2017, 01:16:05 PM »
I agree with what Blueberry said. You appear to be rolling with the punches, not not being caught completely by surprise by them.

This is an improvement, and yes you are definitely getting there.