First Steps

[LittleBird]

My first steps toward recovery are recognising how dissociative I am between all 4F states. I need to face the narcissistic part today. I recognise I've hurt myself so badly and hurt, I think everyone I know in some way. I've hurt others who are connected to people I've hurt as well. I don't recognise when I do it, but I am so ashamed of myself. I've been cold and unfeeling when it felt protective, but I've been full of emotion every time I've tried to explain what I've gone through. My defences are way too strong and the worst, the very worst has been my pride. It's taken so long to recognise it in myself, because of all the things I'd not faced that I'd done and that had been done to me. That's the part I need the most help for. I don't even hear myself when I'm in fight mode.

I wish I could apologise to everyone I've hurt but that seems impossible. I'm so sad I can't rewind and do it all again. I don't even know what I've done, I feel like such an ignorant mess  I don't know how I'm meant to pick myself up again, but I know it's worth it because I have to, because I've got a job to do looking after my family. I want to cry and cry it out now. I notice what I've done, I'm disgusted at myself. I need to balance and I'll give it time, I'll try to change 

[sanmagic7]

dear restful, i know i've hurt people in the past with arrogance and not having compassion, not being able to relate to their feelings.   some of it was coping mechanisms, some of it c-ptsd symptoms. 

we've done what we could, really, survived the only way we knew how.  i know it sounds trite and repetitive, but it's so true.   our survival instincts were strong enough to get us to now using the only tools we had at our disposal.  you don't have to beat yourself up for that.  the blame belongs elsewhere and the c-ptsd beast gnashes its teeth and it's all we can do to keep taking one more step.

i'm just glad you're here.  you're working on this stuff, realizing it, recognizing it, acknowledging it.  those are 3 pretty big things to be able to do.  if they weren't in place, you wouldn't even know there was anything to change, anything to recover from.

as it is, you've already taken some big steps in this area.  you have today and all the rest of todays to do something different if you want.  you can forgive yourself, for one thing.   you were acting from a place of raw wounding, which will distort our thinking and behaviors every time.

sending a hug filled with comfort and love.

[Blueberry]

you're working on this stuff, realizing it, recognizing it, acknowledging it.  those are 3 pretty big things to be able to do.  if they weren't in place, you wouldn't even know there was anything to change, anything to recover from.

IME it's important to go slowly with the guilty feelings  and self-blame. Figure out where you really maybe did make a mistake (which we all do) and where that was possibly the only way you could react due to CPTSD. Feeling guilty is a common symptom of CPTSD. it doesn't mean that we are guilty.

Maybe you'd like to come over to the Healing Porch and cry a bit with others to comfort you? Could you even be in an EF?

[Resca]

IME it's important to go slowly with the guilty feelings and self-blame. Figure out where you really maybe did make a mistake (which we all do) and where that was possibly the only way you could react due to CPTSD.

I wholeheartedly agree. I also want to remind you that those feelings of guilt and even shame, painful as they are - those feelings are what make you different from a true narcissist. The people who hurt us don't understand that what they've done is wrong. They block that knowing on purpose because they aren't strong enough or willing enough to deal with it. The fact that you are taking on the burden of that recognition is so strong and so important. As you've said, it's only the first step on the path to healing, but I would argue that it's the biggest one.

We're all here to support you Stay strong.

[Jazzy]

I want to cry and cry it out now.

Nothing wrong with a good cry now and again. Go right ahead!

As Resca says, there is a silver lining in the disgust you feel. It highlights that you are just showing traits, and not a true narcissist. It also shows you have the requirements to change. Give it time, balance it out, and keep on truckin! Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither were any of us.

Honestly, I suspect that may not help much. I've hurt a lot of people too, everyone I care about the most. It sucks, it really does. Just uh, work on emotion management techniques, and keep striving for self improvement. It's all any of us can do, and all that can be fairly expected.

[LittleBird]

Right now in this moment, I'm the most grateful I have ever been.

Humbled and so grateful for all of your kind words.

Not sure what to write next  but I'm glad for this place. I'm going to try to keep my chin up, even on the days I feel my worst.

[sanmagic7]

that's the strength of your spirit shining thru, and it's a beauty.  big hug to you.

[LittleBird]

Every day that I take time to look at myself properly, when I listen to the things I have said in hindsight, I'm so ashamed of myself. I just hadn't heard it before, was always rushing and avoiding dealing with that. It's useful to stare at thatif you've never looked it in the face before.

[sanmagic7]

it is useful, indeed.  that's a big part of recovery.  we did and said what we did in the past cuz we didn't know any better way to do so.  it was a way for us to survive, and you've made it this far.  kudos to you for that - it's a biggie.  big hug.

[LittleBird]

Thanks  I really appreciate your support.

[Three Roses]

 

We're here, if you want to talk about it. We're here, if you just want someone to sit with you quietly.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Blueberry]

Standing with you in your pain, Restful.    If you want to share, we'll read. If you just want to sit with it, we'll be with you too.

[DecimalRocket]

Hey, I've had cases of arrogance that hurt other people myself, and I've felt pretty guilty at it too. I agree that you're not a true narccisist because of your feelings of regret around it.

You seem like you're trying your best and I hope you acknowledge that. Take your time, and take care.