My turn . . . I guess

[Tracer]

Time for me to step more from the shadows and introduce myself.  A few thanks up front though . . .

-To everyone behind getting something like this going and keeping it going.
-To lovemeinfocus for writing just the right introduction to draw me in.
-And to nickresurrected for being so rigorously honest about his personal self-medication.  Been there.  Done/Do that.  I'm a friend of Patrick (Carnes) too.

I come here via combined childhood and adult traumas.  From childhood:

-Bipolar father . . . Even though he was a complete teetotaler, it was like living with a drunk--never knew what to expect or when to expect it.
-Suffered some pretty intense punishments in childhood, and witnessed the same happen to my sibs.
-Molested.  Sigh . . .

As an adult, I've struggled with having my emotional maturity stuck somewhere in childhood.  I stayed in school and earned a terminal degree partly because the "real" world ate me up and spit me out.  After graduate school I floundered while the depression, ADD, anxiety, and PTSD never seemed to get diagnosed or treated adequately.

Then I passed through some horrific bullying for three years at one university, so I left academe.  But all I have to show now is a trail of three failed jobs over the last seven years.  Now I drive a school bus.  I clear 40 hours/week, but no benefits.

This last August my wife told me to move out and formally filed for divorce on September 5.  Her formal reason was "Irreparable Damage."  Though the periodic pornography binges are part of that, I'm sure the CPTSD and failed jobs and career(s) played a role too.

As I've looked over various descriptions of CPTSD symptoms, a lot of it speaks to me.  The ongoing (cyclic) feelings of incredible shame and worthlessness . . . Always looking and hoping for THE rescuer who will make it better . . . Relationship problems and failures . . . Lacking sense of self.

Concerning the lacking sense of self, I've decided that I don't feel so much like a broken vessel as much as I feel like I never really got to start my vessel.  This helps me understand why I may have been so hesitant to connect with others, and why I've felt like I've been putting on a show nearly all my life . . . Not so much because there is/was something dark inside I've been trying to hide.  Instead there was nothing to show in terms of a sense of self or personal identity.  I was hiding a nothing.  Hiding that I felt like I didn't have anything to show.

Logically I know that no one is a nothing, not even me.  But I don't know how to stop feeling like a nothing, at least long enough to stabilize reasonably as an adult in order to provide for myself well enough, let alone a spouse or family.  Some days/moments I feel like I can do this.  Then almost as quickly it turns south and feel I don't have a snowball's chance.

That seems to cover it, for now.  I do appreciate everyone's kindness and generosity.

Trace (Traces o' life)

[sanmagic7]

welcome, trace.  very glad you decided to step out of the shadows.

i relate to the feeling of not having a self - i created a personality for myself while in high school just so i wouldn't feel so alone anymore.  yeah, i've felt like a fraud most of my life.

thanks for posting.  very sorry for your situation at the moment.   i believe that as you continue in recovery, keep posting, and stay open in your mind and heart, that you will recover your 'self' - it's there, just got covered up or stomped on a long time ago.

you're not alone with this.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, Traceso'life! I empathize with the part where you said

I don't feel so much like a broken vessel as much as I feel like I never really got to start my vessel

This made me remember how I used to feel like a different species than human. I felt so alien. That's subsiding now, a few years into the discovery of CPTSD, causes, treatment, and the acceptance and support I've found here. Hope it's the same for you - thanks for joining!

[Jazzy]

Hey, welcome!

Interesting how we all seem to have things in common, yet our own unique details. My wife and I separated earlier this year too. That's a * of a thing, but it does get easier.

Good job on writing this all out, it's a great step.

One thing that helped me, and I never thought I'd say this, is writing (typing) things out. I'm not even able to do "proper journaling" yet, but that's okay. Having things printed provides proof that I am someone, and shows me how I'm progressing. So, hopefully that will help you too!

[goth_mike]

Welcome!

Another one I can relate to, also to Three Roses - I spent quite a part of my teenage years feeling so "out of place" that I genuinely wondered if I was actually an alien anthropologist sent to observe humans with a view to whether they should be "preserved" or not.  Still in my early stages so have not completely shaken off that perception yet.  Thankfully though I have got over the deep desire for some kind of "rescue" from an external source, which is highly liberating.

Also like yourself, I am trying to work out who I am, having never had a sense of identity before, as any signs of a developing sense of self had previously been "brutalised" out of me in various ways before they could even take form.

But I am beginning to find that once we identify a starting point, these things can be built from scratch and take the form we desire / naturally slip into.

I will end by wishing you the best on your recovery journey!