What is recovery?

[Rainagain]

Just something I'm puzzled about.

I don't seem to be recovering at all.

Being on here has helped, venlafaxine seems to be helping a little, having a diagnosis was nice.

But otherwise I'm pretty much the same as I was.

Bad memory, short fuse, terrible sleep involving thrashing about and shouting, easily stressed into a variety of different kinds of meltdowns, dissociation, avoidance etc. Etc.

Basically a bit fragile, vulnerable and people notice I am a bit squirrely.

My psych said further talk therapy was pointless as it didn't work for me.

Now what?

If this is as good as I can expect to be then I'm sort of alright with it, but I thought cptsd was treatable.

I think I will need to be safe and live quietly for many Years before my symptoms improve on their own, and I am mid 50's so haven't got decades to spare, especially with the amount I smoke......

I need the grace to accept what I cannot change I guess.

Might try to find a can of that on eBay.

I'm not whinging, most people on here have had it far worse than me, I'm just feeling a little 'is this it?' Today.

And a little bit 'now what?' Too.

[Blueberry]

Further talk therapy may be pointless, but that doesn't mean further therapy of all sorts is pointless. Trauma therapy in general plus body therapy, art therapy, music therapy are all possibilities. Those are just the type that come to mind.

It sounds as if your psych didn't suggest anything else. Hm.

How about EFT? See here http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=494.msg5073#msg5073  I find it a helpful method. "Even though I can't sleep, I accept myself". "Even though I don't seem to be recovering, I accept myself."

[Rainagain]

Fast reply blueberry, thanks!

Never heard of EFT, hope it doesn't involve electricity?

Music therapy is interesting, one of my neighbours wants me to join a group of musicians, he is really keen that i join but I have no interest or energy for it.

I sort of know it would be good for me but can't get excited about it, my poor guitar is under the bed and never gets played these days.

I seem to have lost interest in everything I used to enjoy, just can't get interested enough in stuff.

I do OK on the surface but things are still pretty ropey inside I guess.

I had two years of general counselling which ended a year ago, that's why the psych didn't think more was warranted.

After two years I didn't trust the counsellor much more at the end than on the first session......she was really nice, I worked hard at it but it didn't lead to much improvement as I was in the situation that caused my cptsd at the time and was trying to just survive.

I'm pleasant and friendly but underneath I am not trusting, I automatically assess people around me on the basis of how difficult it would be for me to pin them on the ground.

I've noticed some people are as wary of me as I am of them so to some they can see what I am doing and are alarmed.

Don't know why I wrote this!

[Kat]

I find it very curious that your psych would say "it didn't work" for you. Was his/her process and plan for you explained? It just alarms me that he/she would say there's no point to talk therapy unless the person meant with him/her specifically.

[Rainagain]

Hi kat
The psych didn't say it didn't work, he said I'd had plenty and more wasn't indicated as helpful for me right now.

To me counselling wasn't very effective, I felt it didn't work.

I feel like I've gone over Niagara falls in a barrel and counselling is like swimming lessons. Vaguely related to my experience but not particularly helpful.

It could be that I am fully aware of my issues and their causes so I've just got to put up with the symptoms, hard to tell.

It feels like I understand my illness intellectually but my amygdala won't cooperate, it takes over now and then, including whenever I sleep.

It takes over during the day if I'm not vigilant, lost time episodes, dissociation etc.

It feels more like a physical illness actually.

I'm not despondent really, just puzzled as to what recovery is meant to look like as this can't be it.

I also wonder if my version of cptsd is actually quite different from childhood cptsd, I have the physical symptoms but the emotional distress suffered by those who were abused in childhood isn't really a big part of my experience. the inner and outer critics are quieter for me I think.

I had an adult personality/psyche or whatever before I became traumatised, I think that made it easier for me in many ways.

Unless I have coped by becoming armoured and I haven't realised I'm distressed yet......not sure.

[Blueberry]

Rainagain, your amygdala taking over is just a sign of CPTSD I'd say.

Losing interest in everything you enjoy is a sign of depression, which most of us with CPTSD have at some time or other (or in some cases almost all the time).

I don't think that you just have to put up with the symptoms. I think there must be more healing available for you too.

I agree with Kat that it is strange that your psych dismissed you without a road map. Counselling wasn't helpful. So how about trauma informed therapy of some sort?

Differences between childhood onset and adult onset: hey, that could be an interesting discussion! I have childhood onset so won't be joining in, but could be good if you adult onset people get together and write up your own lists.

EFT does not involve electricity. It stands for Emotional Freedom Tapping. If you google that you'll find instructions on how to do it. My trauma T taught me how to do it too. It's not complete hocus-pocus. 

[Rainagain]

Thanks for the reply,

I have had emdr years ago, that was tapping and it did help with processing one particular memory.

My psych put me on venlafaxine as my treatment, its helped a bit I think, so hard to tell.

I think adult onset cptsd is a different thing, what did for me was an extreme form of what I did for a living, something I was trained and experienced in doing so I was in a position to handle my situation a bit.

Earlier traumas made me more vulnerable too I think.

In childhood there is nothing you can do to deal with trauma and abuse, its much more extreme and damaging, I would guess.

I'm not thinking well, or writing clearly either.

[Jazzy]

First of all, excellent question! I remember in introductory group therapy at the hospital, they asked us this. They really didn't like my answer, and I didn't like theirs.

In my opinion, you need a new psych. Are they aware of CPTSD, and how it differs from PTSD? Regardless, they shouldn't leave you without options. It is possible that more talk therapy will not help you right now. I have had a lot of therapy that didn't help, a lot of medication too.

I think it's like a puzzle box, or chemistry. There are a lot of factors involved, and they all work with, or against each other. You need to have them all balanced just so.

Don't give up! Take some different approaches, look at other kinds of therapy, maybe a medication change is in order.

My answer is that recovery is moving closer to how you want your life to be. Sure, there will be setbacks, but as long as you're moving closer to you're goal, you're recovering. The exact details of how that is done is unique to you. It's your puzzle box to open.

I understand your concerns about age and health. Perhaps some mindfulness exercise will help you, I hope so! Try not to worry about impending doom, anything could happen to any one of us at any time. Do your best to make the most of the moment you have now, because it's the only guarantee.

[LearnToLoveTheRide]

Hi

For me (adult onset C-PTSD) Recovery has been  about:

1. Acceptance. I accept completely what has happened to me; I completely  accept where I find myself; and I accept completely who I have become.
I do not enjoy it but I Accept it.

2. Responsibility. I take full responsibility for my past, current and future reactions and responsibilities.
I know they will not be right but I own them.

Those came about through 8 years of psychological help stuck in an an abusive relationship. I lost a 7 figure income, I lost 28kg, and I was being admitted to the ER for anxiety related GIT issues.

Two weeks ago I packed my 3 young boys, a bag of clothes, a box of toys and we left. We were on the road for 4 days and we've settled at a quiet seaside town.

Now what???

I don't know.

• I am in a state of hyper vigilance. I cannot relax. Instead of enjoying my boys exploring the rocks and beach, I am terrified they will injury themselves.

I am chronically depressed. I feel trapped in a situation that I cannot control or resolve.

• I do not enjoy anything that I used to, even to the point of celibacy.

But these are all symptoms of C-PTSD and I believe they can be addressed.

Loving kind fullness was very well written - thank you. Your kind fullness are like ripples on a pond - they move outwards, then they return influenced by the other ripples they flow through.

I will:

• Focus on my health. I taught Shaolin Kung Fu for 26 - I know how to do that.
• I will focus my attention on positive experiences, not dwell on the suffering
• Every day I speak individually to my boys and offer them words of encouragement.
• Every day I will do one thing better than I did today.

Just as you Amygdala and your Sympathetic response took time to develop to a state of always-on, it can be trained to turn off.

Finally, I practice Mindfulness and Meditation techniques so that I can be Open to new opportunities and to use them as needed.

I probably didn't answer your question but I hope I gave you something.

The only way not to recover is not to move. Motion changes everything.

Take care.

[Three Roses]

(Welcome, LTLTR!)

[Blueberry]

Welcome LearnToLovetheRide 

[Rainagain]

Learn to love the ride,

Thank you for your reply, your name is a philosophy in itself and your response is very helpful.

Your intent to focus on the positive and not dwell on suffering is where I am at the moment.

I've been thinking lately about 2 happy positive people I know who are very successful. One refuses to spend even a second thinking negatively, he just ignores setbacks as he looks at the positives. The other knows about some of my woes, he said that when he was in a bad place he just decided to smile a lot, after a while the smile became genuine.

That second piece of advice sounds nutty, but it came from a very clever person I admire so I'm not going to dismiss it.

I think I'm pretty near to acceptance of who and how I am these days, responsibility is out of reach at the moment.
Like you I have been damaged by others and I bear enormous resentment toward them.

I am putting responsibility for my troubles on them fully, its preventing me living in the now, I am too bitter to make a good go of my future.

They don't give me a thought so keeping a grudge is so pointless, must get a grip.

Interesting you have ended up by the sea, I did the same thing.

I was wondering why and for me I think it's because it feels like I am protected by the sea, I don't need to watch my back if the sea is there. Hard to explain, probably sounds mad.

I like the thought of your 3 boys on the beach, nerve wracking for you but so good for them.

I appreciate your reply very much, thank you.

[woodsgnome]

Something I like to do is play with words. I ask myself if they fit my situation and, if not, what are my own 'inner' words. I do this with recovery sometimes.

I don't have a huge problem with using recovery in a broad sense, as it's what most people do. Still I wonder what is truly meant by recovery, as Rainagain asks in opening this thread. Coming from an abusive/traumatic background, what would I want to recover? The only solid answer I've ever formulated is to recover being human.

But do I even know what being human means and who would I have learned it from? Seems more important to unlearn, as there's not much left to recover from the false lessons of a misspent youth. If there truly are role models worth emulating, mine were definitely not the sort I'd choose again.

In my own mind I often see the word recovery, but think wholeness in its place. It's the latter word I feel more comfortable about. Seeking wholeness gives me a forward/positive horizon to look towards, not back at an intimidating vault of memories too painful to want to revisit.

As noted, I still use recovery in a broad sense (such as on this forum), but wholeness is what I inwardly prefer. It's like I retrain my thinking pattern, so when I see the word recovery, I swap it out in my mind for the word wholeness.

In the end, words often fail to adequately describe any of this madness we live with. So if it takes some out-of-the-box words like wholeness, my heart/soul feels better for it.

[Rainagain]

Exactly that woodsgnome,

Maybe I have confusion about recovery because of what the word implies.

I have recovered from colds and flu, broken bones and sprained joints, its a natural process.

But this is different, this is damage to my personality and to how I see the world.

According to science the brain changes and some parts change size.

There doesn't seem to be a natural process of recovery, I had PTSD for many years and eventually I sort of came to terms with it and managed to incorporate it into who I was.

As learn to love the ride said, I accepted it and owned it as mine.

The cptsd is still very recent, maybe I can manage to find it a place within my life and personality and become balanced and whole again, just with a different balance point and with another slightly altered personality.

If I can keep going and working on what the new me is going to look like I can take this latest trauma on board, balance the load and sail on.

Apparently the brain is always plastic and can change and adapt, maybe there is a natural healing process for trauma, I just havent accessed it properly yet.

This thread has given me new resolve, thank you all.

My symptoms are worrying, my new life is very different from my old one, I have no clear idea of what I want from the future.

But I can deal with all the issues and put myself back together eventually, I may be a trauma magnet but I'm also very resilient and stubborn beyond belief.

Years back people asked how I carried on after what had happened, I used to say it helped me that I had no choice but to carry on. I need to dust off that old approach.

But this time instead of using rage as fuel I am going to use kindfulness

Thank you all, I feel a bit motivated, a bit steadier and mildly purposeful.

I've always been a striver, I just needed a plan for this current unpleasantness.