December Darkness

[EliseB]

(Sort of a poem, sort of a stream of consciousness.  Anyways, it helped me to write it all down.)

Come home from work
Lock the door behind me
Shut out the chaos, the noise,
The frenetic unnatural winter activity
The pre-holiday madness.
Silence.
No one except for me, the cat,
And my little assortment of plants.
I still have the tree he gave me, long ago, in those years together,
So many things have happened since.

As the light flees the sky
I feel all the pains, the insecurities
Rise to the top.
So what do I do with them now,
How do I hold this pain?
Do I need answers now,
Or just to keep my eyes open,
To find the truth, at an acceptable time?

This fear I carry inside of me
That I cannot even take care of myself,
I know I have failed myself before...
As much as the others abused me,
I am more disappointed in myself
For failing, for meekly letting it happen.
How can I trust anyone?
How can I trust myself?
No path seems like the right way anymore.
I know the only answer is to wait
Mindfulness, stay in the present,
All that deep philosophy.
Yet I wish for something more concrete,
I wish to know the future
That I'll be alright,
Finally
More alright
Than I have been in the past.

I talked to L, who is in her 50s -
She seems to have a relief of knowing
Much of what has passed
Not worrying so much, anymore.
She knows she has survived
And will.
As she talked, created with words 
I felt if I can just keep myself going
During these hard years,
There is hope on the other side.
No matter what -
It is worth it to hold on,
Even if sometimes clinging for dear life.

For now I am in the winter blind spot,
Waiting for the solstice
And the return of the light
The primitive daily hope of surviving
To see another spring.
In the end I will find that sunny road,
Like the one we used to drive along
All of us together
All the love I found back then,
That golden thread
That followed me through my life
In the end I will find it again, and
Whether I walk on that bright, calm day
All by myself or with anyone else,
That is where I must take myself to.
For the rest of my life I will keep searching
Along my journey, for that beautiful place.

[LittleBird]

Loved this  thanks for sharing EliseB