to LETS member(s)

[Blueberry]

Dear D.W.,

I am bitterly disappointed that you refused to stand up and simply say "I agree with Blueberry." I realise I have to accept that you refused to do so even though you did agree with me and were happy to spend time complaining about what I was brave enough to stand up and try to end.

But how on earth could you think it was OK to then criticise me for stepping down from my post?? I desperately needed all the background criticisers - which includes you! - to stand up for me. You didn't, the others didn't.

I'm so angry about this!!  How on earth can anybody be expected to end what is basically corruption in a group on their own when nobody else will stand up for them openly?? I told you in advance that that's what I needed. As I said, I have to accept that you wouldn't stand up for me, though that is hard. But no way can I accept your criticism of me for stepping down!! I am so angry! 

Blueberry

[Blueberry]

Note to OOTS members: LETS means Local Exchange Trading Society, a group of people who trade work and sometimes products like garden produce on a time basis / points system, not for money!
~ ~ ~ ~

To the present LETS Committee,

What I would like (though of course I'm never going to get it) is you to retract the reprimand you sent me.

Remember, you tried to have me suspended from LETS for two years because I dared 1) criticise the non-activity of the Committee I was in? Because I dared 2) criticise the head-honcho for not ever getting round to implementing the statute and rules and regulations, though of course what she was really doing was preventing them being implemented. As I found out to my cost when I was on the Committee. And 3) because I acted as whistle-blower and released information that nobody was 'meant' to see except a select few on the Committee, because it was proof of corruption. When there was no majority for a suspension, you went with the reprimand instead.

I was told my actions weren't 'respectful' towards other members. Yeah, well, according to our statute and rules and regulations you can't suspend members for non-respectful behaviour though you certainly can and actually must remind and eventually suspend members who don't eg. pay their annual money dues and you must warn those who run up huge minuses on their time account and should help them reduce their minuses, rather than suspend them because that doesn't help anybody. Rather, you have to catch them and remind and aid before they get this huge minus. None of this happened till I joined the Committee. There were multitudes of other actions not going on either, which ought to have been done. According to the Statute and Rules and Regs. For which there was a majority vote.

The actions of those refusing to implement the statute and rules and regulations and preventing me from doing so when I eventually joined the Committee were hardly 'respectful' either. Do you have any idea how much work went into coming up with written statute and rules and regulations, discussing,  writing, re-writing? And both the statute and the rules and regs were accepted by the club after a club-wide discussion including amendments added. That was the most democratic event that ever took place in this club, but as I said the subsequent Committee refused to implement, always finding some excuse not to do so "there aren't enough people volunteering to help new members fit in..." they'd complain piteously. Am I no-one?? I regularly offerred to do that. You head honcho and cronies didn't want me to do it, that's why. I might have insisted on new members following the rules and regs if I'd been allowed to help them find their feet in the club. I find it hugely disrespectful to vote for a statute and rules and regs and just never implement them.

I'm so angry at the unfairness Nobody seems to see that without my work and words you'd still be faffing  about with nobody clear on whether their time account is in plus or minus, and a whole host of other changes and amendments would not have taken place in the past year.

Blueberry

~~~
Another note to OOTS: Obviously I was reenacting my FOO role as SG and saviour in LETS. I'm open to validation but please no analysis or advice! I'm not far enough along in my realisations of what exactly is being triggered from the FOO emotional and intellectual abuse to be able to deal with any analysis or advice. It's helping me find words for the anger.

[Three Roses]

Grrr go get 'em! 

[Blueberry]

I've just sent a rather explosive  email to one of the present Committee in the LETS group. It was in response to something current, but I know there's anger behind it because of their treatment of me in the last couple of years. Even if their treatment of me came about partially because of the way I reacted. The ping-pong effect. And even if my anger is partially fed by FOO's treatment of me. Without FOO's denial of any problems whatsoever in the family (except those supposedly caused by me) I wouldn't be quite so hopping mad about the denial in LETS. But whatever happens to do with this email, I was and am just sick of pussy-footying around wondering what I can write and not, or should write and not.

I didn't do any self-harming either while writing, though this is something I really tend to when writing, partly because I'm always second-guessing myself on what can I write or not. The anger came out! The stovepipe up from my guts to my mouth feels free and clear. Often it's clogged / feels clogged. It's good to be able to express.

I did shut down my email programme though, as a brief protection. And am now going to shut computer down.
Thanks for reading. 

[Blueberry]

After that email, the feelings of anger are still there, but I took the energy that was released and cooked myself a pot of noodles for a very late lunch (better late than never) and then I cleaned my 2 dirtiest windows and then I did some highly overdue vacuuming!    I often cannot muster energy for any of this, esp. the cleaning.

I did have the impulse to go back to my bed (sofa is covered in stuff, so can't use), but I overcame it and thought "No way am I going to go and hide in bed because I have finally spoken my mind!"   

[Blueberry]

I've been reading about anger and figuring out that my behaviour in LETS has been particularly destructive to myself. LETS may well have deserved it and had it coming to them and all that, but I'm the one who's really hurting now.  I guess most of them decided my behaviour was so 'bad' or at least incomprehensible to them that they decided to reprimand. I'm utterly powerless to change that.

Goes back to 12 step groups: We admitted we were powerless over... other people. I don't go to 12 step groups anymore because I get triggered constantly and trigger others, especially because I get into Fight modus.

[radical]

Now I know what it is, i was on a the committee of my local LETS group (it isn't called that here), for a while.

What a shambles.  I had a lot of other things going on in my life so I wasn't as closely involved with the dramas as it sounds like you have been.  But yeah, I can so understand where this went and how you were affected.  So much potential for empire building amongst the alrday corrupt.  It wasn't that bad here, but the structures meant that the potential was certainly there.

It has all but disbanded now and it is a real pity.   There was so much potential for good.  There were benefits, but i saw also the potential going the other way.

I want to say I'm so sorry for how you were hurt.  It's hard being trained to accept the role as scapegoat.  Instincts for self-preservation are so damaged.  We can be the most pro-social members of groups, but that position destroys us.  It hurts that others don't appreciate us, but that can go with the role too.  This isn't blaming - groups can easily take on unhealthy lives and few will stand up for the original intention, or for anyone else who does.  Members find themselves lost in the rabbit-hole, and once down there values and truth can be turned upside down.

I'm so glad that you are taking care of, and paying respect to yourself.  You matter.  You always did.

[Blueberry]

Thank you so much for this validation, radical.

Of course I read it at the time but I wasn't far enough along in my healing for it to say something to my emotions. Now it does. And it's really helpful. You're right, my instincts for self-preservation were trained out of me. At least I'm questioning that now in friendships and reducing contact with people, institutions and especially FOO where my self-preservation has low priority.