Dear me

[Eyessoblue]

Today I'm awake early, nightmares again, is it real or have I just "dreamt"it? I'm not so sure. The step from my bed seems a long way away, I don't think I can make it today. I roll over and try to sleep but that avoidance of the day is bugging me. I take the leap out of bed, make a drink then back to bed, I can't do today, too many thoughts, bad feelings doing around my head so I go back to the comfort of my bed. I doze from some hours feeling guilty as I do, but it's ok cause I know I can't get through. Eventually the guilt takes over my head and I take that step from my bed. I shower get dresssed and feel ok and then I'm more together and on my way. People keep texting inviting me out but I can't do it I want to stay put. That panicky feeling is in my chest I'd do better to stay home and rest. The thoughts of the past are in my face I try to avoid and feel disgrace, I'll drink and smoke and whatever it takes to get me out of this lonely place. If only I could be happy and smile but I know it will take a while. Back to my bed where I can sleep not another day that I would seek, the pleasure the fun it all feels dead as I lay back down my weary head.  From ME.X