Letter to another friend

Blueberry · December 09, 2017, 11:53:54 PM

Dear G.,

Would you just lay off please?!? I've heard your comments and opinions quite enough in the last few months. It's time you kept them to yourself. You're not speaking for other people, though you seem to think you are.

You also seem to think you have some sort of responsibility for me and take it personally if I decide to do something you don't agree with. Like, if I don't sing in the choir tomorrow, that'll really bother you. Why?? I don't even sing the same voice as you! I know you think I joined choir because of you, but actually I didn't. It was on somebody else's recommendation. So you can stop feeling responsible if I don't turn up!

Friends who take my behaviour personally when it has nothing to do with them but rather to do with choices for my own healing won't remain friends. That's my experience. At some point I tell them where to get off.

Even if you had CPTSD you wouldn't know what's best for me. As it is, you have quite frankly no idea. So it's time to turn your attention on to some other person / event.

Blueberry · January 26, 2021, 05:16:09 PM

Quote from: Blueberry on December 09, 2017, 11:53:54 PM
Friends who take my behaviour personally when it has nothing to do with them but rather to do with choices for my own healing won't remain friends. That's my experience. At some point I tell them where to get off.

Even if you had CPTSD you wouldn't know what's best for me. As it is, you have quite frankly no idea.

Here follows a non-sender email to a further friend. The above would be applicable in this case too. Hoping to get the anger and pain aired, more clear for myself, so I can broach subject.

Dear Sj,
I feel betrayed. To me, it looks as if and it even feels as if you are taking my parents' side over mine. You are enabling them! After all I've told you including abuse and emotional neglect and even that I don't want you talking to them about me, you did so at the least chance.

I grew up not expecting anybody to take my side, ever. Because nobody did reliably in FOO. Now you are taking FOO's side over mine. You said recently that my parents have obviously not reached such a deep point of suffering as I have so they don't see any reason to change. Exactly. They are given help, cushioning so to speak, so that they can't fall too far. Somebody rushes in to grab them and give them what they want. Their huge point of suffering seems to be my VVVLC and you've just cushioned it for them by answering M's phone call and telling her about me. That's MY information to tell or not. It's not just harmless little titbits. Furthermore you seemed to be trying to persuade me that I'm seeing things wrong in my FOO. You heard real CONCERN in her voice. ****

I am so angry!!! How dare you do that! How dare you enable my parents against me? How dare you decide you know better than me, better than my T and other professionals??! How dare you try and show me their 'other side', as you perceive it?

I don't even feel I can broach with you because I know you're so busy this week. Worse, I've never really stood up to you before. I don't want to lose you as a friend, at least so far, but I'm frightened to say "You have to choose between me and them." I'm frightened you'll refuse to choose or that you'll pathologise my need for you to choose. Say something like that's not what grown adults need or do. Intimate or even say that it's obviously this way for me because I have cptsd.

I am so angry!

But I know behind the anger there is pain.

I feel like you're treating me the way my sibs and even sometimes F does: "There, there." Pat me on the head. But NO WAY are you allowed to decide things on your own, rock the family boat too much, hurt your M, hurt your F, set limits.

It's condescending. I am so angry. And so hurt. After all the examples I have given you of FOO definitely not having concern for me or my welfare, you come out with that.

_________________________________
There are obviously a few things wrong in this friendship. RL calls. Need to go and buy some greens for Little Furries.

Blueberry · March 06, 2021, 10:05:59 PM

Finally sent my RL response.

Really hard though.

Jazzy · March 07, 2021, 04:13:07 AM

Good job Blueberry!

Sorry you're in such a tough spot like this, it sounds really difficult.

Blueberry · March 07, 2021, 08:02:43 PM

Thank you Jazzy! It has been really difficult, still is in fact. But it was a letter I needed to write, a problem I needed to confront.

Blueberry · May 26, 2021, 09:16:29 PM

Quote from: Blueberry on January 26, 2021, 05:16:09 PM
Quote from: Blueberry on December 09, 2017, 11:53:54 PM
Friends who take my behaviour personally when it has nothing to do with them but rather to do with choices for my own healing won't remain friends. That's my experience. At some point I tell them where to get off.

Another one of these going on, though I have mentioned it already in my Journal. I've been avoiding responding to this friend's email by reading around and responding on here. Going through these things exhausts me so much. Feeling it hanging over me does as well.

I do know however that I am not being 'difficult', I'm standing up for myself and my life and what's important to me. I'm also refusing to take on blame or other people's ideas on how my recovery should look. (There's that 'should' again, though this time it is somebody else's should.) I feel sad.

Jazzy · May 26, 2021, 11:43:14 PM

It's really tough, Blueberry. I understand how you're feeling. You're doing well dealing with all of these people who aren't treating you well.

Something I've been working on lately is to spend less time on these types of people, and more time on people who are healthier for me. I don't know if that will be helpful for you at all, but just something that has been good for me. Of course, every situation is different.

Sending you some strength to work through this!