Once more round the mulberry bush.

Started by helliepig, December 10, 2017, 09:35:42 PM

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helliepig

This week has been really hard.  Basically I've been trying to get out more and face my fears of all the things related to it and had been doing ok. Last Saturday night I went out with a group of people and for one reason or another got really triggered. Now this isn't unusual when socialising, and usually it retreats back under the dissociative walls once I return home. But with all the work I've been doing I guess I've eroded those walls and there has been no hiding place for it to retreat to.
I'm not even sure I can put it into words really, the experience I've had. I know it's reliving something very very early.
It is a mixture of terror about being alive and conscious, and hopelessness at finding anything or anyone safe. I feel paper -thin and beyond hope. There seems nothing but pain and weird dissociative experiences around me, in the past, present and future, and absolutely no rescue. It is existentially frightening.

I feel so sorry for the little infant me who experienced this and quite literally had no rescue. There feels to be no point in trying to be with anyone because it is meaningless and I don't belong anywhere, not even to myself.

I have to hope that somehow this stuff will clear and the way out of this crazy stuff will materialise because right now I am empty and scared and going through motions that aren't worth going through.
I've read enough about Mastersons description of abandonment depression to recognise what it is . He says you have to work through it. Funny how nobody thinks to tell you how.

All I know is I'm sick to death of being so broken. I have to go this route even though right now to hope it will heal something fundamental that I am always missing, always scared of, always lost about. Except it doesn't feel like I'm on a route at all. More like a way to the end of the world.

Three Roses

I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough time. You're not alone, I'm sick of this, too.  :hug:

Here's some info from our man Pete in managing abandonment depression  - http://pete-walker.com/managingAbandonDepression.htm

Blueberry


helliepig

Thank you.:hug:

I've read Pete's stuff before and know he knows what he's talking about but finding it a touch too theoretical at the moment and kind of needing resonance with where I'm at rather than a construct to understand it. It isn't easy to find that. Little phrases people right sometimes are all it takes to make you realise other human being know what this is like.

Growing up with this "stuff" that I thought was my innate badness, I thought it was me, just me, mine, my me-ness.  I know it's common and lots of other people must struggle  with this but not people I seem to know. I always feel so isolated and uncared about and no one notices, not even those I've tried to tell. I hate them at the moment for that.

I'd just like to experience what its like to not feel like this, to feel safe within life and for life around me to not feel disappointing, distant, not mine and like it does at the moment - not something I even want.

jamesG.1

Well I for one are hugely proud of you Hellipig. Articulating this stuff and getting analytical on its scary components is a major leap in recovery.

You will get there in the end, and it will happen because you are learning to gain objectivity and to own the situations you are facing and the legacy of your traumatic past.

Knowledge is power. Keep pushing out and testing your reactions, build up the best picture you can.

It hurts, but you are winning.