Randal's Recovery Journal

RecoveryRandal · December 11, 2017, 06:09:09 PM

Hi, all. I'm new to this site but excited to start connecting with others. Two new big things in my world:

1. My brother-in-law died over the Thanksgiving weekend. He was an alcoholic, and, in short, his body couldn't take it when he tried to stop drinking this time.

I've been providing a lot of support to my sister, and it's been tricky keeping my boundaries and staying centered with her understandably strong emotions.

2. I'm switching health insurance plans, which means I need to find a new therapist after 11 years. While not an ideal situation, I find that I'm doing OK with it. And, strangely, I'm even a little intrigued about working with someone else who might help my healing journey in new ways.

Despite all of this, I'm feeling thankful for having a supportive partner and an established self-care routine to help me manage around all of this change.

Peace,
Randal

sanmagic7 · December 11, 2017, 06:30:34 PM

well, randal, i'm very glad for you that you have that support and self-care in place. so important.

i do hope you have the chance to meet a new t who will further your recovery. maybe this was a good thing in disguise - i do hope so. they may take you in different directions, but ones that will help clarify or lead to new realizations for you.

best to you with this. here's a hug full of strength in keeping those boundaries with your sister.

RecoveryRandal · December 12, 2017, 10:04:04 PM

So, I got some decent sleep last night. (I think. Sometime's it's hard to tell.) But woke up in a mental fog. Couldn't motivate myself right away but ended up dashing out the door to attend a mindfulness meditation session.

It was absolutely worth it. Just a lovely experience all around. Quiet and grounding. And I even got a hug from a former colleague who happened to be at the same workshop.

But after eating lunch, I just felt so off. I think the meditation put me squarely in touch with my body and made me keenly aware of my exhaustion from dealing with so much: attending my brother-in-law's funeral, my sister's powerful distress about her husband's passing and her financial situation, my partner's lingering illness that's kept him on antibiotics for weeks, my BFF losing her job, and having to navigate finding new health insurance, which stresses me out. Oh, and it's the holidays.

While I'm not in acute distress, I am feeling somewhat dented. Sometimes I'm not sure what else to do when I'm already doing "all the things." My wellness routine is squarely in place. But I guess I need to make some adjustments or to try some new variations.

That's in part why I joined this forum and tried the new meditation workshop this morning. I'll keep looking for other ways to enliven or supplement my self-care. Suggestions welcome.

sanmagic7 · December 13, 2017, 01:17:28 AM

i hear ya, randal. i've found that for myself - doing all the things i know how to do, yet not feeling quite together.

sometimes i think it's just a period of time that we have to get thru, even if it feels messy while we're in it. you have so much going on right now emotionally that i think it may be the circumstances rather than you, yourself, that are kind of knocking you off balance.

i'm glad for you that you found a meditation/mindfulness gig that works for you. but i can also see how, as you're absorbing all these emotional pummels, your body might be speaking differently to you.

one thing i've found helpful, even if it sounds trite, is 'this, too, shall pass'. hang tough, my dear - hangin' right beside you. warm, caring hug to you.

RecoveryRandal · December 15, 2017, 04:59:19 AM

After weeks of intensive contact with my sister following the death of her husband, a few days went by when I hadn't heard from her at all. She wasn't responding to my texts--simple updates from me, not direct questions--and I started to get nervous, to the point where my body began to spasm with fear.

I reached out again tonight and finally got a few texts in return. Her messages were brief, almost monosyllabic. She's back at work now, and I'm sure she's exhausted from having to function again after losing her husband so recently.

But once again, it was highly challenging to separate myself and my needs from those of another. (And throw in catastrophization, where I imagined the worst in the absence of information for an extra layer of fun.)

I know this is, in part, why I isolate. Because keeping my boundaries can be so challenging. But the real challenge is to exist in healthy balance, where I keep my sense of self despite what other's want and need, and where I can make choices instead of react to old patterns and memories of old pain.

Three Roses · December 15, 2017, 08:37:28 PM

Quote
I know this is, in part, why I isolate. Because keeping my boundaries can be so challenging. But the real challenge is to exist in healthy balance, where I keep my sense of self despite what other's want and need, and where I can make choices instead of react to old patterns and memories of old pain.

This is sooooo good!! Thanks for this post, RR, you made my day.

RecoveryRandal · December 16, 2017, 03:22:22 AM

Aww. Thanks, Three Roses.

DecimalRocket · December 16, 2017, 08:28:51 AM

Hey, Randal.

I also tend to isolate myself when stressed. My friends have experienced a death too recently, and it was distressing to see them grieving. But I needed to isolate.

I remember I read something online that mentioned the difference of withdrawing and disengaging. Withdrawing is meant to punish a person by removing contact with them in anger. Disenganging is isolating yourself to allow for yourself to lovingly take care of yourself and heal.

We need some space sometimes, so I'm glad you're taking some.

RecoveryRandal · December 16, 2017, 02:36:31 PM

Thanks, DecimalRocket. That distinction between withdrawing and disengaging is really helpful.

Just a couple of years ago, I was both going out and hosting gatherings more than I ever had in my life. My friends would tease me, "Are you sure you're still an introvert?" But then my anxiety spiked tremendously about a year ago, and I was having trouble functioning.

So, while I'm doing what I need to in order to take care of myself, the non-linear nature of healing can leave me mystified. Luckily, I'm out to most of my closest friends as having CPTSD/anxiety. The majority of them are introverts as well, and some of them also struggle with anxiety. That means they're pretty understanding that I've disengaged so much. But it does make coordinating get-togethers around different schedules and emotional states more challenging.

RecoveryRandal · December 30, 2017, 04:53:51 AM

Well, I did it. This week was my last session with the therapist I've seen for the past 11 years.

The actual exiting process was quite positive. We reviewed the state I was in when I came started therapy with her, the progress I've made, and the work I still have left to do. I left the session feeling a combination of weepy, grateful, and even upbeat.

But when I got home, I got slammed by my feelings. The best way I can describe it was a powerful sense of being unmoored. I texted my partner, who's traveling right now, and my BFF, who lives elsewhere. Both were helpful. But I'm still very much processing this transition. And my mood has skewed towards sadness and depression, not all the time. But those feelings are quite pronounced when present.

I'm maintaining my wellness routine (daily yoga and meditation) but also feel like the holidays are contributing to sadness and feeling adrift. I just felt that writing about it here might also help.

sanmagic7 · December 30, 2017, 11:37:57 AM

funny, i just wrote the same metaphor a couple of days ago, like my moorings had come undone and i was adrift. i think it has something to do with the season, but also with grieving. i've been resolving some of my issues, which marks a huge change, and you've just ended an 11-yr. relationship. i think it's pretty common to be sad and feeling adrift.

it sounds like your t did quite well with the ending process, and i'm glad for you about that. that doesn't mean that the loss wouldn't hit you full force, but it does sound like you had some nice closure. that's a really good thing in my book.

so, now just take your time, let it be, let yourself feel it, and it will eventually even out again, you'll find dry land and get your feet under you once more. and, congrats on keeping those boundaries with your sis. i would have had pretty neg. thoughts, too, if she'd suddenly stopped responding to messages. i'm glad she's ok, glad you're ok. well done.

keep taking care of you, randal. big warm, caring hug to you.

RecoveryRandal · December 30, 2017, 09:37:43 PM

Thanks, sanmagic7. Your kind words mean a lot to me. And while I wouldn't wish feeling unmoored on anyone, I find comfort in knowing that others have similar experiences. One of the things I value most about this forum is the sense of normalization it brings, that while each of our journey's is unique, we are not alone in our healing.

I had some excellent sleep last night and got up ready to take on the world. I ate a super-healthy breakfast and launched into a combination of writing and house chores.

And then my sister called, despondent and grieving. I let her talk, acknowledged her pain and depression, and then encouraged her to take action. I suggested she call a counseling center she had previously been referred to and to reach out to a local friend of hers to share a cup of tea. She agreed that she would do these things.

So, now I'm working to maintain my center and not get swept up in another person's powerful emotions. I'm trying to discern the difference between helping a person I care about and saving them. I did a short grounding meditation, texted my partner, and then launched into cooking. It's helping, but my positive mood has definitely been tempered.

I think another meditation session is in order, some more writing, and maybe blasting some music.

sanmagic7 · December 30, 2017, 09:42:09 PM

it sounds to me like what you told her was just right. you offered viable suggestions while not getting mired down in her grief. well done.

blasting music has done the trick for me at times. let 'er rip! big hug.

DecimalRocket · December 31, 2017, 06:59:48 AM

Hmm. . . I agree with San. That was the right thing. It sounds like you're deeply kind and empathetic, so I can understand if getting caught up with someone's emotions can be difficult. But I'm glad you led her to someone who has more resources to help.

Take care, RR.

RecoveryRandal · January 02, 2018, 03:42:24 PM

Quote from: DecimalRocket on December 31, 2017, 06:59:48 AM
It sounds like you're deeply kind and empathetic, so I can understand if getting caught up with someone's emotions can be difficult.

DecimalRocket, you just said a mouthful. One of my key roles in my family of origin was to be the Hero. Helping others and attending the their needs before my own was one of the only ways I got any sense of worth.

I like being sensitive and caring--it's who I am as a person. But I struggle with being overly empathic and with losing myself in another's strong feelings.

I have my immediate responses when this happens: yoga, meditation, calm lighting, (healthy) distraction, limiting media and stimuli. But I'm still working on strengthening my core sense of self so that I can maintain my center no matter what.