Randal's Recovery Journal

[RecoveryRandal]

In tonight's anxiety report...

I did something I've been putting off--sending a message to a friend to say I was leaving his gaming group. That might not seem like such a big deal to some folks. But I'm guessing people on this forum get it. I was worried about awkwardness or even outright anger. And you know what? It was fine. He said he was sorry to see me go, and then we moved on the chatting about books.

And for a few hours, I felt normal. I had energy. I took out the trash, put out fresh towels, and changed the sheets on the bed. And then I opened my email.

There was a message from a client, asking if we could talk earlier than scheduled tomorrow. And I thought, "Uh, oh. She hated my first draft." And maybe she did. And maybe she didn't. But I noticed my rush to catastrophize.

I wasn't sure what to do about it that moment. I was sad that my good feeling had fled, as such generalized positivity can be so rare for me. So, I did some conscious breathing. Nothing big, just extended exhalations.

And then I did some self talk. "You know, you and she want the same thing, a good product. And there is *plenty* of time to work on the next draft. So, why not approach the call tomorrow in the spirit of collaboration? You've worked with her before, and you know you get along."

I'm not saying that I magically felt better. But reframing the situation helped. And I didn't withdraw from the world. I sent some non-work emails to a couple of friends, as opposed to shutting down socially, which I tend to do when stressed.

So, here's hoping I get some good sleep. I think heading to bed a little early is the ticket.

[Not Alone]

Lots of positive steps and being aware of you thoughts and feelings. Yes, a big deal. Good for you. 

[RecoveryRandal]

An attempt at gratitude.

I'm not always so great at regular gratitude practices. I find myself rebelling after a short time. "Oh, yeah?! If everything's so wonderful, then what about this, this, and this!" I know the point isn't that everything is sunshine and roses all of the time. It's about noticing what is going well so that the good becomes a more prominent focus in your life.

I get it. And still it's hard for me. I fear I don't deserve the good. And I'm afraid of letting my guard down on some deep internal level instead of constantly monitoring my environment for the next bad thing.

Like I said, embracing gratitude is challenging for me. But I'm going to do it anyway. Here's what I'm grateful for right now:

* The warm mug of tea in my hand
* That I have the morning off
* The yummy leftovers waiting for me in the fridge
* That work has been plentiful
* That today is supposed to be a beautiful pre-spring day
* That my partner was really responsive to the concerns I raised last night
* That I got halfway decent sleep
* That I've been able to maintain a more intense exercise routing for 3 months now

I'm reading this as I write, and I almost feel like someone's punched me in the gut. I don't like it that good stuff can be scary. Part of me doesn't trust it. But I'm working on it bit by bit.

What are you grateful for right now?

[Not Alone]

Fantastic grateful list.