Randal's Recovery Journal

[woodsgnome]

I ran into something Alan Watts once said the other day and was going to put it in the quotes area but no one seems to look there much anyway. Then I read your latest journal entries and thought the quote might provide a small window into some of your struggles with sensitivity.

The quote: "There is a price to paid for every increase in consciousness. We cannot be more sensitive to pleasure without being more sensitive to pain."

I have the same sort of relationship troubles you describe concerning empathy, and it can become a delicate balance to avoid being overwhelmed. The only way I seem to be okay with this is to accept the pain part or vice-versa. And to feel okay with being this sensitive in the first place.

It is, after all, a very insensitive world out there, so being gifted with sensitivity is a needed energy. Learning how to apply it with more equanimity for oneself seems to play a key role in unlocking the necessary self-compassion.

[RecoveryRandal]

I've been shaky on-and-off today. It's also cold here, which contributes to me feeling uncomfortable and shivery. And I've felt myself beginning to touch the surface of the Bad Place.

But then I thought, "What's going on with me?" And I realize that I am, at least in part, feeling the aftereffects of the massage I got last night.

It was good and from a massage therapist I trust. But I go to him specifically for deep tissue work. And that sometimes leaves me feeling jittery and vulnerable the next day.

It's not like this realization made everything better. But the clarity I experienced kept me from slipping into a negative space. I made sure to eat something (even though I wasn't really hungry), take a warm shower, and put on warm, comfy clothes.

The shakiness is down to an occasional low-level vibration. And I'm continuing to practice self-care. Up soon is daily meditation.

[Three Roses]

I'm in my 60s and have never had a massage I felt 100% comfortable with. I really don't like being touched. That's hard to admit, but true.

But... I hear deep tissue massages can be very triggering!  Will you tell the masseuse or masseur what you're experiencing?

[RecoveryRandal]

Oh, my massage therapist is great. If I get triggered during a session, he's very responsive. In a way, it's because I trust him so much that my experiences can go deeper.

It's just that being in touch with my body can sometimes make me anxious and fretful. Yoga, which I love and is generally wonderful, can do the same thing on occasion.

But I've decided that the rewards of daily exercise and semi-regular massage--which include emotional well being--far outweigh those times that put me in the arousal state or trigger nightmares, etc.

[DecimalRocket]

I'm glad you're able to have a satisfactory massage, Randal.

[RecoveryRandal]

So, it's a quiet Sunday night, and I'm curled up on the couch with my honey, and I've been wondering why I'm on the cusp of freaking out inside.

I think I've pieced it together. This increased contact with my sister since her husband passed recently also means increased news about my family of origin, including mentions of our mother, my primary abuser.

My sister also told me that the trailer we spent the first couple of years of our lives in was destroyed in a fire yesterday. (Everyone's fine, BTW.)

It's just that so much involving my FOO seems filled with pain and drama and dysfunction. My sister is the *only* person from our family that I remain in contact with. I love her, and I want to support her in this tough time. But she never left that system. And sometimes,  it wears me down.

It's a strange hybrid space for both of us. In some ways, I hold on to her specifically *because* she's the last remaining family contact for me. And at other times, all I want to do is throw my hands up and say, "Call me once you've dealt with your bulls***.

[DecimalRocket]

Yes, many of us have conflicting emotions like that, and the ambiguity of it can make it confusing. I don't really know much about relationships to give you wise words on it though.

So here's a nice hug to make up for it.

[RecoveryRandal]

After a few weeks of feeling touch-and-go, finally some good news.

Work has been slow (I'm an independent grant writer and blogger). I've had a couple of nightmares recently. And even when my dreams have been pleasant or neutral, my brain has clearly been quite busy at night. During waking hours, I'm mildly dissociating and forgetting small details.

So, I was thrilled to find out today that one of my poems has been accepted for issue 15 of Barking Sycamores, a literary journal focused on neurodivergence.   

This is the first time any of my poetry has been accepted for publication. And I am freaking out--in a good way for once!

I've celebrated by having a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and doing yoga.

[Three Roses]

Congrats! 

[DecimalRocket]

That's amazing!

I'm really curious now to hear about some of that poetry — though only if you want to. Neurodiversity is an issue important in my own life, and I'm glad to hear you're finding a way to champion these ideas.

[sanmagic7]

congrats, randal.  how wonderful for you!  here's to many more.  big hug to you.

[RecoveryRandal]

Thanks, all. I'll gladly share the poem here once it's published, although it's not a particulaly happy one. It's about the dread and dissociation I was experiencing one day before therapy.

[RecoveryRandal]

I'm back from an overseas trip (to Kyrgyzstan, if you're interested). And while I was able to maintain my wellness routine more or less while I was there, jet lag is kicking my butt.

I woke up today around 3:30 AM just convinced that I was doing everything wrong in life. But I was able to remind myself that I was tired and out of sorts, which can lead to excessive negative thinking. It's not that the doubts magically went away. But I feel more centered on my actual self, not my mental illness.

So, I'm going to monitor the situation, continue with the daily yoga and meditation, and try to be gentle with myself.

[sanmagic7]

sounds like a good plan.  having never flown overseas, i don't really know jet lag very well, but any kind of tired can wreak havoc with your system and thinking processes.  glad you're back safe and sound.  big hug to you.   

[DecimalRocket]

Oh boy - I remember those times I've gotten Jet Lag. How our bodies deal with sleep can get crazy in those times. Take care.