Randal's Recovery Journal

[RecoveryRandal]

I really hate avoidance. I mean, I know it's a defense mechanism and that's it's my psyche's way of trying to protect me. But I feel especially frustrated when I'm aware that I'm avoiding things but can do little about it.

It's not just objectively "big things" like going to the doctor. I get why that's hard for me (undressing in front of a stranger, being asked personal questions, fear of my body, etc.) But I just don't understand why my subconscious associates some things with trauma, like filling out forms. I've gotten better about them. But I can still freeze or avoid doing paperwork altogether.

Then there are times when I realize my holding back is because I actually don't want to do something. And when I listen to that authentic inner voice, my life has been better for it. But discerning the difference between not wanting something on a deep level versus reacting to old abuse and trauma can be tricky.

I try not to beat myself up about all of this. But I get so vexed when I'm unable to move forward in ways that would improve my life. I guess I'm mainly venting. But I'm also hoping that acknowledging this in writing will help me to move past it a little bit more.

[sanmagic7]

you're right, rr, telling the difference can be tricky.  i would guess that something like paperwork might be from trauma, tho.  paperwork in itself isn't dangerous.  consequences of not filling it out according to someone else's expectation could have been.  or, link that to answering someone's questions in a way they found displeasing, and what you might have experienced because of it.

it's that subtle (sometimes not so much) connection between something that seems innocuous on the surface to some deeper meaning buried in our psyche that can be triggering.  or, maybe you're feeling rushed and just don't want to take the time, or are sick of answering the same questions over and over.  i don't know - it's different for everyone.  i do think it takes a certain amount of digging if we want to find the answers, tho.

i don't like answering those questionnaires at the doc's office cuz i get confused - it seems like i always have extenuating circumstances or i feel rushed and i'm trying to give them the best info i can.  i've had such neg. experiences with docs, and i'm trying to explain myself more clearly, hoping they'll 'get it' this time.

i'm glad you avoid beating yourself up too much, tho.  some avoidance is a good thing, isn't it?  like that example - avoidance as a means of self-care and compassion.    that shows progress.  warm hug to you.

[RecoveryRandal]

Feeling very touch-and-go today.

Was supposed to see a play that a friend is stage manager for. But my partner thoughtfully checked with her and found that it contained descriptions of sexual assault. He suggested I stay home, and it really was the right choice.

Now about to meet up with my honey and some friends to play Dungeons & Dragons. Hoping that diving into fantasy helps take my focus off of my swirling interior and that I can just focus on some good-natured fun.

Part of me wants to skip even this favorite activity. But I know that some light socializing--and snacking--is probably good for me.

[RecoveryRandal]

Going on a whole month now where my sleep and wellness routine has been thrown off-kilter by: traveling overseas and jet lag, being sick for a few days and sleeping a lot during the day, and house guests from out of town whose arrivals and departures were wicked early in the morning.

I don't mean that I'm in a terrible place, which I'm actually quite proud of. But daily yoga and meditation are *necessary* for me to feel like myself and to navigate the world more effectively. And there have been times multiple times now when I've "trimmed back" on both or forgot to do one or both entirely. That's not good for me.

Yesterday was the first day fully back in the saddle. I feel like to get truly reestablished in my routine, I need to take my inner child by the hand and remind him why wellness is so important. ("Remember what happens when we don't do yoga and meditation every day? Life gets really, really hard, right?")

If I'm really honest, I'm nervous that I won't be able to get back to where I was. And I guess I'm just logging this in here as a way to hold myself accountable.

[sanmagic7]

i give you all credit, rr, for recognizing what works for you and beginning to get back to it after being sidelined.  i have a really difficult time doing that, so i'm always impressed by people who can and do.  sending a hug full of love and encouragement to do what's best for you even after being stampeded off track like that.

[DecimalRocket]

I understand Randal. I'm a mindfulness junkie myself and without it, I'm not sure how I can survive through the day. Take care, and do what works for you. Even just 5-10 minutes of this stuff is better than nothing. Take care.

[RecoveryRandal]

Thanks, sanmagic7 and DecimalRocket.

It's been a little touch-and-go, but I've been able to reestablish my wellness routine. I'm still not as centered as was before things got all jumbled. But I'm less shaky than I was.

This whole experience has reaffirmed the need for daily meditation and yoga/walking in my life. While these don't fully insulate me against all of my problems (e.g., emotional dysregulation, etc.), my life is profoundly better when I live into my wellness routine.

[RecoveryRandal]

Emotional dysregulation, the bane of my existence.

I'm frustrated with how much time and energy it can take for me to deal with my feelings. Just the simplest things like paying a bill can set me off, and then, no matter what I had planned for my day, I need to shift gears because I'm so distraught.

Intellectually, I get it. I associate certain things with the repeated trauma I experienced during my formative years. But right now, I'm longing to do normal, everyday things in a normal, everyday way.

"I get upset, too!" my usually understanding partner said one time. But he doesn't get it. I'm talking about something throwing me off kilter for hours or even a day or longer.

I know that in it's way, this is progress. I'm experiencing an emotional flashback, and I'm aware of it to write about it and make conscious choices (versus being completely enveloped by it).

So, I'm going to meditate now, take it easy for a bit, and hope this swirling vortex of emotions passes.

Stay strong, y'all.

[RecoveryRandal]

Two steps forward and one step back.

I guess I'm feeling better on the whole. I have big chunks of time when I don't feel triggered or shaky at all. But then something will happen--a social conversation, misinterpretation of something in a chain of work emails, etc.--and I'll start to feel off, like I'm standing near the edge of full-on badness.

After those first few moments, I can usually start to discern what's happening to me. "Oh, that felt like conflict, although it was just a difference of opinion. But that was enough for me to associate it with my abuse." Then I can work to correct my thinking/perception and meditate or take a break to try and recenter.

But I also recognize that I'm having a lot of negative and extreme thoughts. Something isn't just a blip or a minor inconvenience to address, it's VERY BAD, like I have no hope or agency to change things. Again, it's because I'm back to being a child who really did have no power to protect himself.

It's tricky for me to stay in the here and now and not catastrophize everything. So, I keep breathing and meditating and doing yoga and drinking water and writing and the other things that help in both the short and long term.

[sanmagic7]

i can relate to doing those 'normal, everyday' things and having them turn your world on it's side for a while.  i opened a checking acct. the other day, had to take my d along, at one point i was shaking so hard that i asked her to fill in the spaces.  we went to lunch after, and i came home and slept for 4 hours.  i was clearly exhausted from what, for me, was an ordeal.

i'm not sure what that's about, except it's pouring a lot of info into my brain, having to think and make sense of something, and the stress of it sends me into overload. 

anyway, 4 yrs. ago, i also did a checking acct. change, and the effects of that were so much longer and worse.  i can only hope that i'm making progress.  i hope you are as well.

warm, loving hug to you, r.r.  we'll get there.

[DecimalRocket]

I can relate Randal. Sometimes I'm troubled by how easily I'm hurt as I go towards my own goals. Things just remind me of certain flashbacks and the cycle starts all over again.

[RecoveryRandal]

TW: Trigger Warning for descriptions of drinking, alcoholism, and marijuana use.

Last night I dreamed that I drove an uncle of mine to the store, where he started buying excessive amounts of alcohol. Someone in the dream told me how he had run his family into massive debt through his drinking.

I woke up, had my morning tea, and started feeling triggered. "Why?" I thought to myself. And then it hit me.

This weekend I went to a friend's lake house with a group of people. The host was literally falling down drunk not even 10 minutes after I arrived. I helped her up, handed her her glasses, which had fallen off when she tumbled, and dusted the dirt off of her knees.

"I have to sober up before my in-laws get here," she said. I gave her water and kept reminding her to drink it. An hour later she said, "I need to get high before they get here, because I can't handle them."

For the record, I have no problem with people tying one on now and then. And I smoke pot on occasion. But there was no joy in this, no catharsis, no shaking off of stress. It was poor coping skills in action.

On the drive back home, I told my partner that I needed to distance myself from the hosts. He understood. My unconscious understood, too. My dream was a reminder of the addiction in my family of origin and how my brother-in-law died this past fall from alcoholism after driving himself and my sister into excessive debt.

It's hard to watch friends suffer and stay stuck in cycles of addition. So much of my life has been about distancing and separating myself from those who are abusive and dysfunctional. I know I have to do it for my own sake. But the sadness is also there, reminding me of my history of loss and the price I've had to pay for healing.

Thanks for "listening," all.

[Sceal]

I'm sorry to hear you had a difficult weekend watching your friend having a hard time coping with her problems. And from the past you describe it is not a strange thing this was difficult for you at all.

It sounds like a brave and smart thing to do, to take a step back and distance yourself a little. It must be hard, since it's a friend. Even if it is a smart thing to do.

[DecimalRocket]

Sorry to hear about your friend, and what happened in your dream. It's not a pleasant thing to watch what happen to you happen to other people. It's nearly always a lot more painful to relate when it happens.

Take care. 

[RecoveryRandal]

Thanks, Sceal and DecimalRocket.

For the next few days after I posted, I felt really good, solid and in my body, and I was aware of the positive effects of yoga and meditation immediately after each.

But then something shifted. One afternoon, a powerful sense of sadness came over me, seemingly out of nowhere. (I'm sure it was a subconscious association to something.) And then yesterday and today, I've had this fluttery background hum of anxiety, like I'm primed to be triggered, if that makes sense.

I've logged this in with my other half, just so he knows about it. I also find that sometimes talking about my nervousness around my anxiety can take some of its power away. 

So much of my formative years were spent keeping secrets and wearing a mask. There can be a simple, refreshing truth to admitting when I feel off. I have to remind myself that I don't have to wait until I feel oh-so-bad. I can talk (or write) in the here and now about what's happening because it's happening to me.