Randal's Recovery Journal

[Not Alone]

I have social time scheduled this weekend with friends. Honestly, though, I just feel lackluster about it right now. I need to remind myself that I almost always enjoy it when I'm actually out with them.

Often when I have a social engagement scheduled, I dread going and have to remind myself that I am capable, I have functioned socially many times before, and I usually have a good time once I am with people. I wish I could just look forward to it and have a good time, but I need to give myself "the talk" most of the time.

[RecoveryRandal]

Thanks, all. I'm doing a bit better now.

Some of it has been learning to shift my focus to the things that matter--my wellness, nature, and kind people. It's not that my actions feel any different. But I'm trying to center the positive elements of my life and really sink into an appreciation of them.

[Tee]

Steps forward.

[RecoveryRandal]

It's hard to sum up how I've been. Every day there's some anxiety spike over something or other. What varies is the intensity and the longevity.

But while I still feel a background hum of worry even on the best of days, I am, on the whole, continuing to develop a greater sense of agency in my life. My continued wellness routine, a commitment to downtime, and loving support from my partner are helping me to change my inner narrative from negative to neutral to positive. The 11 years I previously spent in therapy didn't hurt either. It's like ice melting very slowly, but it's happening.

I also turned 50 years old recently. And there's something about both getting older and reaching a milestone birthday that help give me permission to let go of more, to care less about negative people, and to believe more deeply than ever that I am capable. Capable of what? Just getting through each day and of managing life and my emotional responses to it.

This growing sense of--dare I say--freedom is the best birthday gift I could ever give myself.

[sanmagic7]

let's hear it for turning 50!!!      

[Blueberry]

 

[Jazzy]

This growing sense of--dare I say--freedom is the best birthday gift I could ever give myself.

That's awesome! So glad to hear it. Keep up the good work. Take care!

[Three Roses]

Happy birthday, and hooray for freedom! 🎂🍰🎁 

[RecoveryRandal]

Have you every had a bad dream turn into a good thing?

For much of my life, I've had a major reoccurring theme to my nightmares. Someone either breaks into my living space or a shadowy figure is there who shouldn't be. I've had nightmares about other topics, of course, but this invasion scenario inevitably wakes me up in terror.

Last night, I dreamed that three men were doing work on a nearby utility pole. They kept making disparaging and vaguely threatening remarks like I wasn't there.

Then they came down and just walked into my place like they owned it. They laughed and taunted me when I told them to get out.

At this point, I half woke up and somehow began to change the narrative. In my half-dazed state, I took control, talking to the men like I owned the place (go, agency!) and began taking practical steps to get them out.

I'm tired today, but this sense of having stood up for my boundaries has stuck with me. It's made me think of pragmatic ways in real life where I've been owning my power and the areas that I still need to work on.

Ultimately, I want to develop a deep and abiding sense of my own agency and boundaries that isn't shaken by the presence or needs of others. And I think I'm getting there bit by bit.

[Snowdrop]

This sounds really significant. Well done! 

[woodsgnome]

  That sounds wonderful -- standing up for your boundaries. It took a long time, my experience is that it might bounce a little each way, but take it as a sign that yes, you DO have it in you to turn the corner. And that that time may be now.
I hope this points out the new direction/possibilities for you as you trek onward.

[RecoveryRandal]

True Trauma Confessions: Today I got stressed and anxious about having to empty the dishwasher.

Was it the worst anxiety spike I've ever experienced? No. But it made me wonder why. Why do some apparently banal tasks feel so laden for me sometimes?

While I was growing up, my primary abuser would often lose her sh*t over the state of the house. She would scream her head off at my sister and me and spew guilt-inducing diatribes that we weren't doing enough. It's not that she had assigned us specific chores that we weren't doing, mind you. But she became overwhelmed with her internal state and her own undiagnosed childhood trauma and projected it all on us.

But there's an additional layer. While today is actually a light day for me work-wise and task-wise, I feel tired. Tired still from the nightmare of two evenings ago. Tired from processing something with my partner yesterday. And tired from just navigating my own emotions and concerns.

I think this contributes to making an everyday task feeling larger than it actually is. I hear the screaming and accusations from my childhood. And I sometimes feel so damn worn out from managing my feelings and reactions. Just being in the world as someone with C-PTSD can take so much energy.

It's not that I'm in a bad place. In fact, I think it's because I'm experiencing a growing sense of agency that I can unpack some of the more "minor" things that I can sometimes avoid.

I just want to get to a place where I can do the things I need to do without them being so emotionally charged. But, hey, if it takes a little while to process some of what I'm feeling first and then I can still get them done, I'll take it.

[sanmagic7]

 

you go!  sounds like you're on a positive path with this.  well done!  sending love and hugs   

[Three Roses]

I hear the screaming and accusations from my childhood.

I so identify with this!

Your mother was wrong to put all the weight on the shoulders of her little children. Our shoulders were not broad and strong enough to carry the pain of our parents and the damage they themselves suffered.

Best wishes to you, be gentle to yourself and that inner child who's feeling hurt and scared. 

[Jazzy]

I had a similar thing with cooking tonight. It does take time to sort through it all. But yay for getting the little things done, despite all the screaming. Take care!