Randal's Recovery Journal

[Snowdrop]

Our shoulders were not broad and strong enough to carry the pain of our parents and the damage they themselves suffered.

[RecoveryRandal]

Thanks, everyone.

And, Three Roses, your comment is especially poignant.

[RecoveryRandal]

I hate feeling overwhelmed so easily. I know everyone can and does feel terribly strained at times. But with having C-PTSD, it can be a daily occurrence or even happen several times in rapid succession.

It's exhausting.

After many years of therapy and other forms of healing, I'm able to, more and more, pause and reflect on what's triggered me and take corrective action. This can take the form of challenging negative, self-defeating thinking, meditating, talking or writing out what's bothering me, burning off anxiousness with exercise, etc.

But that's also work, and, despite things being better on the whole, it still takes a lot of effort.

There are things that trigger me where I understand the root cause, such as filling out forms or going to see the doctor. But other times, the "why" is a complete mystery. (See my earlier entry about emptying out the dishwasher.)

I've come to understand that when I experience free-floating anxiety or when my emotional reserves are low, I'm more easily triggered by just about anything. This vexes me in addition to having to deal with the core surge of anxiety, and it makes it difficult to explain what's going on to my always patient partner.

I need to give myself credit where credit is due. I may never live a life completely free of acute anxiety. But I can also remind myself that I have more tools and more support than I ever have before. And that's something worth acknowledging and even celebrating.

[Jazzy]

Feeling overwhelmed/anxiety is exhausting, but good job looking on the bright side with the tools and support.

[Not Alone]

I related strongly to your last post. I wanted to respond and started feeling overwhelmed. I started re-read your post and had to laugh at myself.

I hate feeling overwhelmed so easily.

More tools and support are significant to the journey.

[woodsgnome]

Randal, I loved how you concluded your journal entry by saying:

"I need to give myself credit where credit is due. I may never live a life completely free of acute anxiety. But I can also..."

"I can also" -- that anticipates the next steps. Whatever they are, with them you can find wonderful things ahead.

Someone I was reading recently suggested that all the current fuss about 'living in the moment' might better be said as 'living in the movement. All of life is movement, open to change. This even includes being able to get past those old trigger points floating around, then realizing that in their antiquity they don't need to have any role in your present reality.

Now you've arrived at that point where you --"can also"-- to use those 2 simple words of yours -- continue trekking towards healing.

[Hope67]

I need to give myself credit where credit is due. I may never live a life completely free of acute anxiety. But I can also remind myself that I have more tools and more support than I ever have before. And that's something worth acknowledging and even celebrating.

Hi RecoveryRandal,
I think this is definitely something worth acknowledging and celebrating, and I'd like to celebrate it alongside you, if that's ok.   
Hope 

[RecoveryRandal]

ENERVATED [EN-er-vey-tid] adjective: without vigor, force, or strength; languid.

I guess accomplishments can come at a cost. I don't mean hugely, like a Pyrrhic victory or anything so grand, but in a quieter, everyday sort of way.

For example, today I got a physical at the doctor. And I scheduled it and went on my own, since my partner was busy. This is a *big* deal for me.

I've written before about how I hate the thought of a stranger poking and prodding my body. I have intense anxiety about the process *and* potential outcomes. What are they going to find? What might be wrong with me? (Read: classic catastrophic thinking.)

There was a period for five years where I couldn't bring myself to get a physical. That's how anxious and conflicted I was about the whole thing. But I've done a lot of therapy and other work on myself, and I'm blessed with a supportive partner who gently encourages me and cheers me on.

And then I got home after today's appointment. And I felt completely sapped of strength. I just curled up on the couch feeling...not sad or depressed but kind of weepy around the edges. I couldn't even find something stupid to watch on the Internet.

Am I in the worst kind of place? Far from it. But I am wiped out and want to do nothing.  So, I need to put some conscious thought into aftercare.

I did take myself out to eat afterward (because: fasting before blood work), and tonight I'm playing a game online with friends. That should be light and interactive.

I don't know. I guess this is both a win post and a note to my future self. Even as I get stronger, I need to remember to plan for ways to take care of myself before, during, and after I've tackled something big. Aftercare is valuable partly a reinforcing reward, but it'll also help me to get back to center and get on with my life.

[Not Alone]

yes, a win for going to the doctor and for caring for yourself afterwards. 

[Hope67]

Hi RecoveryRandal,
I think that is so great that you went to the doctor on your own, I struggle with doing that, and I think it's a big deal to have done it.   
Hope 

[RecoveryRandal]

I had a massive work project where, as a consultant, I was in charge of managing a proposal process. Someone on the client's team was the main writer, which is my usual--and preferred--role. He underperformed, and the deadline was fast approaching. It turns out, he had never written a proposal before, which no one seemed to know about ahead of time.

So, I spend three stressful days, where I worked long hours and basically rewrote the whole thing. I had trouble sleeping because I was worried about everything getting done, fretful about my reputation with this client, and just had trouble turning my brain off at night after going gangbusters with writing and editing.

When I submitted it to the client, it took them most of the day to review it. And I had difficulty relaxing until I got their feedback. Long story short, they loved it! That's good news. But I'd also like to be able to function better even without external validation, professional or otherwise.

I know we all need affirmation to some degree. But my childhood programming comes slamming back during times of stress and/or when I have a lack of clear feedback. "I'm not good enough." "I'm lazy." And if I don't do things just right, it only confirms my lack of worth. *Plus* it means I'm going to be punished/abused.

I'm doing better but still feel moody and sensitive. Today was my first day off in about two weeks, and my partner and I had three social events to go to. I couldn't face it all and asked if we could skip one. He agreed, but I could tell he was disappointed. (He's an extrovert.)

I felt guilty about it and got worried that he was mad at me--childhood programming again. We talked about it, and he said it wasn't a big deal.

I just hate getting so wrapped up in others' emotions. I long to be centered in a way that the moods and opinions of others don't have the potential to rock me to my core.

I get it, brain. You're trying to protect me. Being on high alert about our abuser's emotions never provided protection really. But it was a form of an early alert system. And while it was far from foolproof, at least we could see the crazy coming sometimes.

In the end, I can see both the progress I've made and how far I still have to go. It's just hard to hold both simultaneously. You know?

[woodsgnome]

As you noted, high anxiety can become high vigilance and it all can escalate from there. And yes, it goes back to times when the judgements (and worse) left devastating after-feelings.

So I feel entirely for what you've described here, as the yuckiness of this sort of thing resonates even decades later. I've noticed it 2 times within the last day; I find myself grasping to stop my anxiety and instead it pops up again. The only good part is I notice it better than I used to, so it's not so hard coming back down. Still feel bad, but not as bad as before. So maybe that's progress.

Anyway, I just wanted to reaffirm/support your take on this as well.  Keep keeping on ... 

[RecoveryRandal]

Thanks! And here's to your efforts as well. Recognizing moments of anxiety for what they are is such an important piece. That's when we can start making choices instead of just reacting. But yeah, there's that interim state where we see anxiety for what it is but don't feel quite able to do things that make a shift. It can be so frustrating.

Stay strong.

[RecoveryRandal]

I'm going to tell you something you already know: nightmares suck. And I've been having a lot of them of late, including last night.

Thankfully, I don't remember the content of the most recent one, a minor consolation. And at the time, my partner rolled over and simply held me until I fell back asleep, a *major* consolation.

But, man, am I tired of bad dreams that shake me to my core. Because of many years of therapy and other forms of healing (meditation, yoga, journaling, etc.), on the whole, I've been able to go weeks, sometimes months without a nightmare. But they're back with a vengeance.

Sometimes I have a sense of what brought them on, like a specific scene from the horror movie I watched last night. Yet at other times, I have no idea. Did my exercise routine that day activate some body memory? Did someone I meet trigger a negative association? I know that I've been under a lot of work stress for a project that we finalized yesterday. (Huzzah!)

I guess the real takeaway for me in this thread, though is about resilience. Nightmares in the moment are terrible. They interrupt sleep and sometimes make it difficult or even impossible to drift off again. They leave me tired and shaken. BUT, they haven't been following me into my day as much.

I notice that I pretty much shrug them off and say, "Well, that sucked." And I go on with my routine. It's good, on the whole. If only I didn't have to deal with so many nightmares in the first place. You feel me?

[RecoveryRandal]

Some snapshots of what's up with me:

Post-holiday blues combined with a slow start to the year work-wise means I don't have many distractions from my thoughts and feelings.

My daily exercise is more intense now, which is good for my overall health and often helps tremendously with my mood. But it can also unlock body memories.

I was miserable for a few days with acute anxiety and near-constant "bad feeling." There was something atmospheric about it that made it hard for me to rise above my emotions and find my center. I've been improving in fits and starts but still feel highly sensitive and don't have much energy.

My partner told me last night that he was getting up early today. But apparently my subconscious didn't get the memo. He was getting ready and came back in the bedroom around 5 AM. I woke up terrified. As a child, my abuse sometimes happened at night. And I have an ongoing series of nightmares about my abuser coming into my room while I'm sleeping.

I was able to eventually go back to sleep and, strangely, dreamed that I confronted my abuser, whom I haven't seen in over 20 years. She sat across the table from me at a restaurant. She was going on about her life (read: Narcissist). Finally I interrupted her and said something like, "Well, a lot of things happened to me in my childhood that I wish never had." And I fixed her with a stare. She replied, "I don't think you understand. I came here to say goodbye."

The waitress had trouble bringing the right check, which, unfortunately meant that my abuser and i had more time together. But for some reason, she wandered off, although I could still hear parts of her conversation with another person in the dream.

I don't know what to make of it. But I hope the dream means that I'm moving beyond these challenging last few weeks. I'm exhausted this morning but also kind of proud that I stood up for myself on a deep, subconscious level.