Randal's Recovery Journal

[sanmagic7]

i think the holidays can be a strange time.  there is so much pressure, so many expectations put out there over and over.  i hope you are able to make them your own, enjoy them as such this year.  love and hugs, sweetie.

[Three Roses]

I kind of have mixed feelings about Thanksgiving and Christmas. So much of the past gets stirred up but part of me remains hopeful. It's unsettling. A nice big safe :hug:if you want it.

[RecoveryRandal]

Hugs gratefully accepted.

And I hope you both are able to navigate the complexities of the holidays as well.

[RecoveryRandal]

Sleep is such a mystery to me. Even when I don't have outright nightmares, my brain can remain active at night. Sometimes this makes drifting off difficult. At other times, I have uncomfortable dreams (everyday stress-related scenarios, themes of social anxiety, etc.). And then I also frequently experience vivid dreaming, which can even be pleasant or outright entertaining, but still contributes to a lack of mental downtime and rest.

Today for example, I'm up typing this at 6:30 AM on a Sunday during a holiday weekend, when I could be sleeping in after dreaming about being back in school and not knowing my class schedule. (I think of this as type of classic dream for many.) But then I felt it devolving into something else even less pleasant. So, when I woke up, I decided that was enough, and here I am at my laptop.

I still got pretty decent sleep overall, at least I think so. There are times when I can't tell the quality of rest I had until later in the day. If I feel myself getting shaky or dissociating frequently, it usually confirms that my brain's been working on something, and I really didn't get the deep rest that everyone needs.

All that said, on the whole my sleep is better than it used to be. Nightmares have become less frequent (but still happen unpredictably). Yet dreams of struggling, arguing, and fighting back have increased. It feels like these are "downgraded nightmares" in a way, as if my unconscious realizes more of my overall power.

But still I struggle. So many of these dreams are of uncertainty: I'm lost in an airport and can't find my gate; I have a flight leaving imminently, but I don't have my ticket or passport; I have to take a test when I just showed up to class for the first time, or I arrived for what I thought was the first session of a course only to find it's the final day.

Maybe I'll trying crawling back in bed now and see if I can catch a few more zzzzs. Here's hoping you're all able to get adequate or even excellent sleep!

[RecoveryRandal]

Some mornings, my anxiety wakes up shortly after I do. Unless I've had a bad dream, I may feel OK at first. But then my inner critic is up and starts whispering in my ear, "That thing you were going to do today is too big for you. Oh, and you forgot to do this other really important thing. You can't handle life. Best to give up and just stay in bed."

The temptation to remain under the covers in strong, as the litany of negative self-talk increases. But I can sometimes hear a quieter but truer voice that says, "We feel this way sometimes in the morning. But once we start moving, it tends to calm down." And I've learned to just make myself get up and start my day.

I splash some water on my face and make my morning cup of tea. I even meditated this morning. (I meditate every day, but usually not first thing. I may try making this adjustment to my routine as well, perhaps with some specific confidence-building guided meditations.)

My anxiety and self-doubt are still here. But it's like more of me is awake to provide a counter-narrative. Here's to all of us who struggle each day and still choose to get up and try our best.

[Three Roses]

Absolutely love this -

My anxiety and self-doubt are still here. But it's like more of me is awake to provide a counter-narrative.

❤️❤️❤️

[sanmagic7]

me, too.  love that you're realizing you can hear that softer voice of truth as well.  you go, rr.  love and hugs.

[RecoveryRandal]

Thank you both. I was doing so much better today. I had two great work phone calls, with one that might lead to a new client.

Then while I was relaxing this evening, my partner asked me a question about jobs and income in my field (the nonprofit sector).

And my anxiety suddenly went through the roof. My inner critic was saying things like. "He thinks you're not making enough money. You're a failure." Etc.

I did yoga then tried to read in bed but was still spiking. My partner asked me what was up. Although I was embarrased, I told him. He said he had meant nothing of the sort and was just generally curious.

I also just realized that my sister recently losing her job is probably contributing to this acute scarcity mentality I've been having.

I'm coming down a little now. But I'm worried that I'll have trouble getting to sleep. On the other hand, this experience has sapped a lot of my energy. So, maybe I'll be able to drift off after all.

[sanmagic7]

hope you got to sleep, sweetie.  that up and down stuff is definitely exhausting.   

[RecoveryRandal]

I did a difficult thing for me today, my quarterly taxes. That might not seem like a big deal to many, but I *hate* forms and finances. I tend to get overwhelmed, feel incompetent, and can spiral into a profoundly illogical scarcity mentality.

So, I girded my loins, meditated this morning, made sure to eat breakfast, showered and dressed, and jumped in. And I did it and felt proud afterwards.

But now I'm having some aftershocks and feeling on edge. A client sent edits to a first draft of a proposal I wrote. And now my inner critic is having a field day. "They hated it. You did a sh*t job. You're no good at this, and they won't want to work with you anymore." That sort of thing.

I'm trying to let these two states coexist, pride that I finished an important task and this low-energy, post-effort state where I'm more vulnerable to self-criticism and anxiety.

Progress doesn't have to be "pure" for it to still count as progress. We can have forward motion and still carry unwanted baggage along the way because we haven't been able to set it down for good yet.

My plan is to meditate again and maybe nap, process a little with my partner when he's home from school, and buy myself some snacks for my online Dungeons & Dragons game tonight. Snacks and silliness sound pretty good right about now!

[RecoveryRandal]

Having a tough mental health day. Slept poorly last night. And I had a doctor's appointment today.

I hate going to the doctor. Some stranger pokes and prods my body and asks invasive questions? No thank you.

But I know it's good for me. So to the ophthalmologist I went for the first time in more than 15 years.

I honestly wouldn't have been able to make the appointment without the support of my partner. I love him for it, but I hate that I can't do some adult things on my own.

And yet I hear a quiet voice inside that says, "You asked for help when you needed it, and that's a grown up thing to do."

Yeah, I guess. I just feel wiped out afterwards. So, I watched stupid videos and ate gelato. And now I'm in bed early. I'm going to read before heading to sleep and see what tomorrow looks like.

[Blueberry]

So to the ophthalmologist I went for the first time in more than 15 years.

I often have trouble getting doc appointments for myself and then going. You're not alone there.

And yet I hear a quiet voice inside that says, "You asked for help when you needed it, and that's a grown up thing to do."

 

I'm often wiped out after doing difficult things. It will be cptsd-related, I'm sure.

[RecoveryRandal]

I left the house for the first time in over 3 days.

It's not good for me, I know. Or maybe I should say it's too much of a good thing. As an introvert and a homebody, I truly enjoy time by myself. But I think I'm pushing it.

Some short trips, especially a visit to my sister before she moved out of the country, have used up a lot of energy lately. My sister's place was filthy and chaotic, and it was difficult for me to spend any time there.

I'm stressed about work deadlines and don't feel like I'm as effective as I should be. (I try to remind myself that a year and a half ago, I was worried about not having *enough* work.) And while I love working from home, it also can contribute to isolation.

I'm managing. I'm doing yoga and meditating for wellness. I'm also taking OTC sleeping pills now and then to ensure that I'm getting enough rest. But it's too hot outside for the walks in nature that are so restorative for me.

I have social time scheduled this weekend with friends. Honestly, though, I just feel lackluster about it right now. I need to remind myself that I almost always enjoy it when I'm actually out with them.

I don't know. I guess I just needed to vent here, to get the words out instead of holding the feelings in. Thanks to those of you who have taken the time to read this. I know you're also going through your own stuff. So know that I appreciate you taking a moment to look over my thoughts.

[sanmagic7]

hey, rr,

i've been hearing about that heat, and it can be debilitating.  i'm also a nature walker, so i feel for you that you can't get out in it.  i definitely know i feel better when i get my 'dose'!

deadlines stress me out more than anything, i think, so i hear ya on that. 

i'm glad you came here to vent.  it's good to see you again.  sending love and a hug filled w/ having a good time w/ friends.   

[Three Roses]

I was happy to see your post! Yes, we are going thru our own stuff but I find comfort in knowing I'm not alone. Hope venting helped!