#ME TOO is a trigger for me

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Wife#2

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#ME TOO is a trigger for me
« on: December 11, 2017, 09:38:02 PM »
Trigger warning - SA and invalidation.

I am glad to see the movement taking off and I agree that it's time to stop remaining silent. However, I've had to take a break from watching the news. There are just too many cases of harassment lately. And every time more allegations are brought up against some other famous person, I feel that I have to defend my memory of what happened to me with husband. He's begun telling me that he doubts I was harassed - that I somehow ASKED for it. Or led the boss on. Or in some other way gave my boss indication that I wanted sex with him. That threatening my job if I told or even if I said NO somehow didn't fit the description of harassment.

And there is a huge part of me that wants to hurt him for saying that to me. Then, I want to hurt the man who harassed me. Then, other, older memories started popping up of other situations. The date rape and the box store manager who harassed all of us - giving me no confidence of a fair hearing regarding the coworker who date-raped me.

Then, I also think of other situations, like the one suffered and survived by my mother - at about the same time my situation was unraveling. HER boss was groping and saying it was an accident, suggesting that her shirt could show more cleavage as they were in a fashion-forward occupation. Nothing quite blatant enough to file charges on, but a hostile work environment where it was ok for the male boss to call his female employees 'Babe' and 'Kitten' and grope.

In a culture that calls the whistleblower a rat, I shouldn't be surprised that my husband suddenly, after years of supporting me, stands and accuses the victim of ulterior motives. I will agree that it could seem to him to be ridiculous that someone wait 15 or 20 years to finally speak up, but that is because he doesn't understand the fear placed on women (or harassed men, especially harassed men!) to keep quiet or lose their job. And not just that job, but a crummy reference so that future jobs could ALSO be harder to get. Plus a smear campaign once the whistle-blower is removed. When a person has worked in a place for 5+ years, blowing the whistle means turning away from any friends made on that job, holding your head high while people call you names and disparage YOUR moral fiber.

Yes, I'm triggered right now, just thinking about it. I'm angry, hurt, sad and tired. My back hurts worse just from the weight of the anger and pain and sense of betrayal. Betrayal from my husband, the harassing boss(es) and coworkers. Betrayal that our society is only now getting a taste of how big the problem is. It would be easier to find women over the age of 25 who CAN'T claim #MeToo.

If we've done nothing else right in this era of instant press, instant news, instant opinions, we got this one right. So, though I'm not on Twitter, let me add my voice - #MeToo. And, though I know the statute is long-expired on all three situations that cause me to be able to write #MeToo, I can stand with these younger women who have the confidence to stand up and refuse to take it. I have the courage to stand and say our system is broken, has been broken a long time. But, we have hope. Of a time when all must be treated as equals and respect is earned not assumed, where those who call 'FOUL' can be believed, because the liars who falsely call 'FOUL' are found out and prosecuted for their false claims. Allowing only those of us who HAVE survived this to claim membership in the #MeToo community. Male and Female, Gay and Transgender and Straight. So that all will know that we are all equal in God's eyes. That nobody 'deserves' harassment or worse. Nobody. There is no 'except'.

And, even if I had gone into my job every day with a revealing blouse and a tight skirt, I wasn't asking for it. And, even if I had a crush on the guy, I wasn't asking for it. And even if I wore too much makeup I wasn't asking for it. And nobody WANTS to be harassed, threatened with job loss and treated as worthless unless we allowed it. And treated even worse if we did - because then the boss 'had' us and 'had' us over the barrel for complying - so they made us believe

With all this, to hear my husband blame the women reporting at long last, to hear him diminish the role so many men have historically played in creating the society that allowed it for so long, to hear him question whether or not I was harassed.... No. It's better for me to not watch the news, not find out the latest accused. Not hear my husband defend the accused or make fun of the accusers. Better for me to not hate my husband. So, hearing about #MeToo is a trigger for me.

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M.R.

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Re: #ME TOO is a trigger for me
« Reply #1 on: December 11, 2017, 09:55:09 PM »
I am sorry Wife #2 about how this affects you. It affects me too. I have seen the posts on this through the forum and have decided against posting just because of how it affects me. I hope it gets better for you because you have chosen not to be faced with it everyday. (I do not watch the news but my father talks to me about it so I really can't choose.)

Melodie

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Kat

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Re: #ME TOO is a trigger for me
« Reply #2 on: December 12, 2017, 02:19:07 AM »
Trigger Warning

My once supportive husband is also changing his tune, but I know why.  We met at work when I was in my early twenties.  I was being sexually harassed at work.  I worked with a man twice my age and three times my size--alone on Sunday mornings.  He would come in close to me with both his hands up as if ready to squeeze my breasts and ask if he could get a little feel.  He'd ask me if I wanted to taste his big Louisiana sausage and then tell me all about how his wife's mouth was too small to pleasure him.  The human resources woman I reported him to was no help.  She suggested I not wear t-shirts that were so tight.  My immediate boss told me "he's a good guy."  As he walked away after saying that, the guy walked up and asked to get a little feel.  He knew he wasn't going to get into trouble.  And they left me working alone with him. 

At the time, I was dating my now husband and he was furious over the matter.  He's been working at a job site lately where a woman who is roughly 5-foot tall has a habit of rubbing men's arms while she talks to them.  My husband keeps wondering what would happen if the men started running to tell on her.  He doesn't get the power differential etc.  But, as I said, I know why y husband seems to be trying to change the narrative.  My husband has taken advantage of me when I've been passed out drunk.  The last time I told him point blank that what he does is disgusting and illegal.  I called him a rapist. 

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sanmagic7

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Re: #ME TOO is a trigger for me
« Reply #3 on: December 12, 2017, 03:36:23 PM »
amen to all that, wife2.  very sorry to hear about your hub's change in narrative and perspective.  that just sucks.  hang tough, sweetie - hangin' right beside you.  i'm glad you quit the news, especially for having to listen to him.  the idea that so many of us will never have closure on this stuff sucks the same.

kat, i was also raped by a husband.  this is the first time i said it out loud, called it what it is/was.  kudos to you for calling him out on it.  also sucks.

big hugs to you both and lots of love and empathy.   #metoo