Is anyone else's symptoms also kind of different?

[lyricalliv13]

I've been looking around the forums and there's a lot of stuff that's very relatable, but I've noticed some of the symptoms I have are a little bit different than the official description (if that makes any sense). Note I haven't been officially diagnosed so I'm asking this while I wait to get a therapist because I'm still curious. I hope that's okay.

1. "Bad times" come and go. I'm not always depressed/anxious/moody. I can't remember if anything triggers these moments. Some of them happen around that time of month, some of them happen after a breakup. Thoughts of Mom usually surface. Along with wanting to self harm, thinking about what would happen if I died (not really suicidal but just wondering about what would happen if I did it), anxiety, etc.

2. I have an inner critic so to speak but it's not really based off of why my mother doesn't love me. It's more to do with my fear of being like her. I'm used to feeling like this sort of... monster? When I was younger I had a LOT of trouble regulating my emotions and I had a lot of outbursts, so I'm used to feeling sort of "broken". Also when I got out of her house finally, I was a total jerk to a lot of people and I carry a lot of shame from that. I don't like the idea of telling anyone about what I'm feeling and I'm afraid I talk about myself too much, that I just want "attention", etc. I ignore these things and allow myself to talk to people who I trust about my feelings most times, but they're still there and sometimes they break me down. For my appearance, too.

3. I'm not sure if I have emotional flashbacks or not. I generally only feel the feelings I had with her when I'm fighting with my Dad, and he can be kind of manipulative himself. It's hard to explain because remembering them is a tiny bit fuzzy. I'm just trying to say I don't randomly get thrown back into the feelings I had once out of the blue. I'll just be sitting there and I'll start feeling something, and then I'll realize that's how it was in fights with Mom. I think I had one random one a year ago but I haven't had them since and that was awfully out of the ordinary for me at the time.

4. I obsess sometimes over scenarios of meeting her again. Not really out of fear, just what I would do. One of them is being in a room with her and having to explain how I feel and I'm generally really angry. I've tried to write her letters (not ones I'd send, just for the sake of writing it out) where I explain how I feel but it's sort of like I'm emotionally blocked when I try to write them. I just don't know where to start. That, or I start and then I anticipate how she'd twist my words and it's just emotionally exhausting.

5. I don't normally disassociate, but I've done that a bit recently. Just staring out into space, and feeling so unconnected and mentally distant from things around me. I think this is because of an argument I had recently with my Dad where he said things I think Mom would say. I'm good at recognizing manipulation now, partly because I had to figure out how to stop doing it myself (and I'm still ashamed of myself for that. sometimes I catch myself even now and I literally hate myself for it) and partly because of Mom. I started really just wanting to leave, and feeling like it was all happening all over again even though he's not physically abusive or even as bad as she was. And he apologized.

Basically a lot of the things I've read on here happen to me, but just in different ways then described. I know my Mom was abusive and what she did was wrong. My shame really just stems from me being like her, or the fear of that. Sorry if this is long, but... I just really would like any input on this. Does anyone else have slightly "different" symptoms? Or am I wrong about certain things?

[Blueberry]

lyricalliv, it's fine to ask questions! I'm often curious about things related to the why and wherefores of CPTSD too.

I often used to think my symptoms were a bit different too, but not so much since I've been on here.
We share a lot of symptoms on here, but not everybody has all symptoms, fortunately.

1. Bad times come and go for me too. It's been that way most of my life. I think most (or all?) people with CPTSD have a problem with depression but not necessarily all the time. I find it telling that thoughts of your M surface when you're triggered. Also SH impulse. But there you go, I don't think everybody on here selfharms or has an impulse to do so.

2. It sounds as if you suffer quite a bit under your inner critic. That's enough I'd say. I don't think the reason why your ICr developed is important.

3. Emotional flashbacks can be very diverse. Even having a fuzzy memory can itself be caused by an EF. You don't get randomly thrown back? Lucky you  but I don't know if that rules out having CPTSD. I'm not a professional, but I don't think that rules it out.

4. I have a lot of emotional blockage while writing and I'm pretty sure it's CPTSD related in my case.

5. There are different degrees of dissociation. Maybe you have a milder form of CPTSD than some others on here. It's possible. That would be great because it could take you less long to heal!! But as I say, I'm not a professional so take that with a pinch of salt.

i'm not sure what you mean about "being wrong about certain things".

In certain ways, I'm quite like my M and in other ways like my F. One big difference is that I reflect upon my behaviour. You do that too! Your post is full of self-reflection. It's not surprising that we learned non-ideal ways of dealing with other people and of behaving in general in the families we grew up in. When you realise, then you can start to change. IMO the biggest problem is caused by people who don't self-reflect and who refuse to change.

Feel free to keep asking questions. 

[BlancaLap]

Your sympstoms are very common here!

[Rainagain]

Apparently there is a high rate of cptsd being comorbid with other disorders.

But what you have described is within cptsd I think so I wouldn't worry about finding other reasons, other disorders or anything like that.

If you work on the cptsd then all of your symptoms should ease.

Its all confusing, I have a few symptoms not normally part of cptsd but I'm sure they are related to it, people are complicated and react differently.

And also cptsd symptoms are identified by psychs not sufferers, they list the main things cptsd has in common for diagnostic purposes rather than record the symptoms which aren't universal or that they haven't recognised yet.

The more of the posts on here I read the more accepting I become of my symptoms.

[Andyman73]

I sometimes don't understand stuff.  Okay not true, lots of times don't understand. Like how come feel like "Atlas Shrugged" except being crushed by the weight instead of holding it up?

Read many posts, but feel like that not me, and that one not me, and that one too. So, not feel same, not understanding why. But maybe cuz most abuse not from FOO. So maybe different. Maybe TBI mess everything up.