Locus of control

[schrödinger's cat]

I finally hit upon what makes things so difficult for me right now. Here's something from Wikipedia, translated from psychologese into normal-people language (I hope).

Locus of control = the extent to which you believe you can control events affecting you. "Locus" is Latin for "place/location". An internal locus of control = you believe you can control your life. An external locus of control = you believe your life is controlled by something outside yourself, by things or people or fate or chance, by something you can't influence or change.

And I think mine are messed up. I'm blaming things on myself when really there wasn't anything I could have done. So, for example, my oldest kid will throw a teenager-grade wobbly, and I'll think it's because I did something wrong. But she's a teenager. Teenagers throw tantrums. It just happens. I know this NOW - why couldn't I remember it this morning, when she was acting up?

Or take my FOO's behaviour. They're patronizing and withdrawing even now, and we're actually officially "getting along", so it's not remotely as bad as it was in the Eighties. But again, it's like the locus of control is entirely within me. It's my fault. I'm to blame. They're exempt from all blame - they're in the right, I'm in the wrong.

If it stopped right there, it'd be hard enough work to fix. But it doesn't. Instead, when I do have a problem that I'd have to fix, I fall into this mindset where there's nothing I can do about it, nothing at all. WHY ON EARTH do I do that? I've got a good degree, I lived abroad, I know I can do things, I've proved it to myself. But still - our landlord raised our rent quite a bit, and now the sensible thing to do would be to find another flat. It's not easy, hereabouts. And I feel absolutely, totally terrified. Why?! Why am I scared of browsing websites? It doesn't make a lick of sense.

AND I think it's because of this thing. Locus of control. Because back when I was a child and a teen, if there was any problem, there was never anything I could do. Never. Not even a teensy bit. My mother overworked herself, and my brother and I saw it clearly and wanted to help - but she's a HSP (highly sensitive) and sometimes just needed to be by herself. So she'd send us away saying: "Oh, no, go outside and play, I'll do the chores on my own", even though we could see how exhausted she was already. (NOW I can make sense of it. Back then? Not a chance.) My father was very very ill, but there was nothing I could do. There wasn't even a way to really understand what was the matter. My classmates bullied me - they bullied me when I did something stupid (like constantly forget to do my homework), when I failed at something I couldn't help failing at (I'm epically bad at sports), when I did something good ---- whenever I did anything, ANYTHING AT ALL, that drew attention to myself, WHAM! came the verbal abuse. And yes, I know this is easy compared to physical abuse or worse. The point is, it wasn't anything I could control. There wasn't anything I could do. It was completely out of my control - I learned that the hard way.

Because if someone has you in their crosshairs, there's nothing you can do as a kid to get back out. If it's a grown-up and you're a kid, you're in the weaker position. If it's a bunch of kids and you're the lone outsider - well, there's usually a weird group dynamic going on, like a more harmless version of Lord of the Flies, and you get pushed into the role of scapegoat and you can never, ever get back out.

And in that way, quite accurately, you again - and again - and again experience problems as something YOU CAN'T EVER DO ANYTHING ABOUT. It's an accurate way of perceiving your situation. It's not just you being fatalistic. It's how things are. Whenever you're suffering, whenever you've got a problem: you realize that THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN EVER DO to make the SLIGHTEST bit of difference. You learn that slowly, over the years. It gets etched deep into your psyche.

And whenever someone else has got a problem, whenever someone around you feels * and starts taking it out on you: they teach you that they're exempt from blame, they're "just being honest" or they're "just being tired" or it's just "clearing the air" or it's just "kids being kids" or - I don't even know WHAT other whitewashing, b*llshitting, a**holish excuses people come up with, and I don't care. It's convenient for them. They take their behaviour, and then shunt all the blame for it onto you. They take something that's entirely THEIRS to control, and then pretend that it's YOURS entirely.

All those excuses. Those master-pieces of gas-lighting we've all of us been exposed to at one point or another. The lies. The euphemisms. We've all been taught that OUR perceptions don't matter: THEIRS do. We've all been taught that OUR feelings don't have any weight: THEIRS do. We've all been taught that OUR value doesn't matter: THEIR does. So let's talk about it in those terms. The locus of control for THEIR trouble? Us. The way they see it, they can't help being nasty, they're just innocent little angels exposed to our irritating presence, no wonder they act out. WE are in control of THEIR frustration or anger. And because we were too young and too sad and too exhausted to resist, we took this on board. We got brainwashed into accepting that belief. And any problem that truly affects US, anything that makes OUR life difficult - where's the control then? With THEM! That's what they wanted. They didn't fancy letting us have power. They didn't want to let us have a say in things. They wanted to hover above us like a watchful god, and when we did the slightest thing wrong, they'd smite us. And that's what we learned. That's what they conditioned us to believe. That we're powerless. That there's nothing we can do. That we're victims, have always been victims, will always be victims.

And that, I think, is why I'm so tired and discouraged and afraid right now, and have been for the past few weeks. It's a visit from my past self. And I hope I'll now be able to teach myself that I'm not a victim, I'm a good person who's had the misfortune to grow up surrounded by jerks.

[Rain]

Wonderful post, Cat!      Thank you.     

[keepfighting]

Hi, Cat,

wham --- you've hit many nerves in your analysis! It never ceases to amaze me that though our experiences were individual and different in many ways, the patterns are so recognizable and the impact was so much alike...

Getting over the whole learned helplessness thing is very tough. I am still afraid to take active steps to alter a situation and often go into 'freeze' instead. I guess we missed a few developmental steps in puberty - like your kid (and mine) is taking now in negotiating more freedom and responsibility for themselves. (By the way: You have my fullest sympathy in having to deal with the way teenagers reset their boundaries --- it's very exhausting, everything is a big drama and in the end you as a grown up are fighting hard to keep yourself from behaving like a teenager yourself ... ). Well, at least our teenagers get to grow up and gradually take on more responsibility for themselves, whereas we were diliberately and selfservingly kept young and helpless and obedient.

[marycontrary]

Oh, GAWD I totally understand. Been there, done it. I see two issues you described.

1. Nuthin' you can do
2. It's all your fault

My waify Catholic mom was like this...total martyr, beast of burden---with a *, passive aggressive streak a mile wide. I had totally no respect for her.  Or any of the close FOO women in my family---just bend over, spread them cheeks, and then self injure or take a ton of illegally gotten pain pills later on. Totally disgusting way to raise kids, IMHO.

I once totally felt the same way.  That I was a passive receptacle of other people's BS. I was the bug, and there was nothing but windshield after windshield. And with the horrible things that have happened, it seems true.

I just started setting those 4 boundaries I wrote about in the other thread, traits in others that totally made me feel like crap, and threw most of my relationships in the dumpster. Life seemed to magically get better within a few months.

Being around game playing will drive you insane. The tiny part you can do is just remove yourself from it. That's it. No major personality overhaul---just don't enable or reinforce in any way.

Let me tell you, there are times I felt like a loser. I am very, very well educated, an expert in my field, look very young for my age, good synthetic people skills (remember, I am an Aspie), and I am just starting to get to a point where I can completely go off of disability in the near future. 7 years of struggling. Many years in poverty. Boy, I understand feeling like a loser. But I look back and see how sick I was, it was a wonder I did not off myself.

The only thing that worked was to eliminate voluntary exposure to toxic situations in a fierce manner. I am not going to be around people who call or treat me like I am crazy, who dismiss my feelings. What sick F**s do that to another person in a vulnerable state?

Anyway, maybe a bit of this might be useful...

[flookadelic]

Cat, you have spoken for me in your post. I recognise so much of my own behaviour and experience in it. It's good to know, to be conscious of so one can apply the qualities that overcome this imbalance between inner and outer locus of control. And also realise where we are being taken advantage of. Giving an exploitive bully the benefit of the doubt doesn't do anyone any favours. Hit a very relevant nail smack on the head there, Cat.

[Rain]

Cat, this is an amazing post, as was the "you matter" one you also brilliantly wrote.   Thank you, as ever.

It seems to me that when doing healing work, to slow the responsibilities in life down.   It is like doing engine work on a car.  The engine gets pulled, parts get replaced, and the car does not go anywhere during this time ..but once put back together, the car really, really performs soooo much better.

[schrödinger's cat]

Thanks, everyone.    I was nervous about this post after I wrote it, because during the time I'm now nearly constantly (if mildly) flashing back to, I didn't make any good experiences with raw honesty. So thanks for this positive reinforcement. 

Do you know, it already feels HUGELY validating and comforting that I'm not alone in this. It's like that's additional proof that this lethargy etc isn't just a character fault.

Marycontrary, you're absolutely right. It's a bit ironic, but most of my issues came up after I purposely went low contact with my mother. Lots of things that I read on this forum made me realize that it's not going to magically get better. The hard parts of our relationship aren't best ignored - they're simply what happens when she gets too close. Same thing (to a lesser extent) with my brother. It's not the exception, it's the rule. Accepting that was bitter, but necessary.

Rain - ah-HAH. Now that makes sense. Thanks for the engine metaphor, it's brilliant. And you make a very good point about the importance of self-parenting ourselves into independence. (There's probably a clearer way to put this, but I'm so tired. Sorry.)

[Rain]

Hugs back to you, Cat.   

[marycontrary]

Like a bunch of buried thorns in your arms or leg...it is strange how these things work themselves up and out. I think this is the dynamic---

1. The stress response (primarily cortisol) induces an amnesia by killing off and pruning cells in the hippocampus---this produces declarative memory---memory that can be brought up verbally.

2. We take off the stress (eliminating toxic people and situations)
3. The hippocampus is one of the few parts of the brain where cells can regrow and repair---so all of the sudden, you have neurogenesis (neuron growth)
4. Blast---a sh++ tonne of memories start to invade your verbal awareness---seems like * all over.
5. Processing can finally occur now that information is finally permitted to access other parts of the cortex.

So you are on the right track!

[Rain]

I learn a lot from you, marycontrary.   Thank you!!

[schrödinger's cat]

I agree, this is very interesting. Thing is, I am remembering more things now. I didn't know that there are literally new connections being created. It kind of underlines yet again that CPTSD is an injury - I mean, if things in the brain get destroyed, that sounds pretty injurious to me.

[marycontrary]

I suppose this is  why I could detach myself from bad situations....I know the science, the loads of studies...the repercussions that I alone would have to bear....if I didn't. I realized I just could not biologically "afford" it....absolutely literally.

[schrödinger's cat]

So the only way out was denial/amnesia (if I understand you right).

Maybe that's a weird way of looking at it - but it's a quite impressive self-protective mechanism. Such powerful things going on when we're overwhelmed. And... yes, it's not pretty, having to kind of hack oneself to pieces to survive. But we're here, we're still here, we did survive...

[Kizzie]

As always, beautifully articulated Cat    

For me this thread really emphasizes the need to go slowly in recovery.  And so I shall reread it when I am frustrated and reinforce that it's a good thing to be the tortoise rather than the hare 

[spryte]

I know this thread is old, but rather than start a new one, I'd rather add to this one.

First, I'll say, "Me too!"

I've been struggling with my own control issues these last months. Grasping for control is my go to when I am triggered, when i am off balance, when I feel helpless. The problem is that my locus of control is all topsy turvy as well. I grasp to control things that I have no right or ability TO control. This results in me trying to control people, and worrying fruitlessly about situations where my worry will have absolutely no affect one way or another. I am learning to recognize these situations and detach from my need to control. While it was probably at one time a very useful coping mechanism, it's gotten to the point now where it just causes me so much more anxiety and often makes situations worse than they were before.

On the other side of that, there's the learned helplessness. In situations where I WOULD have the ability to create change I seem to have this "what's the point" perspective. There's no use. I think this is related to my perfectionism which says, "If I can't do it perfectly then there's no use in doing it at all."

And, looking at these two sides of this coin, and then my childhood, it's similar to yours SC.

On the one hand, I was trapped in situation after situation in which it didn't seem to matter what I did, I could not change the traumatic outcome of it because I either didn't have the power to, or, as I got older, didn't have the first clue how to.

Then, on the other hand, I had my mother, and others teaching me that I had some magical ability to "make" them feel a certain way. I made her angry. I made her frustrated. I made her sad. I made her cry. I made her life miserable. As a child, I don't think I had any other way to process that other than to conclude that I had these magical powers to make people feel things. I had that control. So, when others around me felt things, if it was negative it was automatically my fault...and I absolutely should have the power to change it and when I couldn't, that was my fault too.

I think this is absolutely where my issue was coming from in my recent "making myself small" post. It's a locus of control issue. I believed that I SHOULD have some control over my boyfriend's anxiety because his anxiety immediately made me uncomfortable...at one point I turned to look at him while we were watching a comedy...which he'd normally be giggling through, but he just looked so tired and wasn't even smiling, it broke my heart. It's hard for me to sit with other people's pain without immediately trying to "fix" or "control" the situation.