Didn't come close to crying

[Contessa]

Long story short: met a lovely wonderful man. My kind of man. We just clicked. Our feelings for each other were mutually expressed. I was in a state of calm with him. He was a real keeper.

He broke up with me, so with a smile I said (not verbatim), "Sure! Do what you need to! Tata."

Then without further ado I turned on my heel and walked away. Then started reading articles on my phone while I waited for the train home.

It's a shame. But there is no sadness or devastation at my end. I don't feel numb, or shock. It is what it is. I wouldn't have broken up with him, but whatever. He made the decision. It's been a few days and I am doing better than okay.

Cool!

[Three Roses]

  that you're ok but it didn't work out.

[Rainagain]

I think that is brilliant.

You value yourself, self esteem doesn't depend on someone else.

You have nailed an essential part of recovery right there.

And there is nothing more attractive than confidence, which you have displayed, very pleased for you.

[Contessa]

Yeah thanks! I honestly don't get breaking up with someone you really like and get along very well with (obviously it's more complicated, but still...)

Nothing left but to cut him out of my life.

[Contessa]

Ooop... nope... there we go.
Waterworks ahoy! Haha.
I cry at the wasted opportunity. First step to moving on.

[Rainagain]

Ah, damn.

Forget my last post, you cry it out if you need to.

Whatever works is the right response.

Relationships are tricky enough without cptsd.

[Contessa]

No your last post was valuable and perfect.

I think this is just... the regular motion. Gotta mourn the loss at some point.

[Rainagain]

I hadn't thought of that.

I try so hard to not lose my temper I've forgotten emotions can be a natural response to events......

[Rainagain]

Hope you are feeling better.

I've reached the point on here that I think about everyone on here and hope they are doing OK.

It helps me when I'm struggling to know that other decent people are having it as bad if not worse, dampens any creeping self pity.

[Contessa]

Oh I am well, thank you Rainagain.

I think I just had to share how 'normal' this end was. No abuse, no name calling, no deceit. I'm feeling so level and free. I don't need medication and months of therapy, unlike with the last few men.

I suppose my point is that we can mend that damage enough to experience relationship endings in a much healthier way. So I have certainly had it much worse, just not today for once

[Rainagain]

That is normality isn't it?

I guess its about rebuilding resilience.

Very pleased for you, its a sign of health to be celebrated.

[Contessa]

Do you mean abuse, name calling and deceit is normal? Last guy put me in hospital. I won't detail what the others did.

Yeah resilience, and the sign of health is spot on. I've built up enough firm ground to keep myself independent and self sufficient.

This is actually difficult to describe. To have a healthy life experience after a long line of abusive experiences, and come out the other end still grounded. It's very self affirming. I'm being very meta about this, ha.

[Rainagain]

Good Lord,

I meant a relationship ending with no carnage is normality, people would normally expect to leave a relationship without going to hospital.

I'm wondering how anyone trusts anyone else enough to make things work, a few triggers and I tend to run.

[Contessa]

Oh good, phew!

Your last paragraph is spot on, and I suppose the main message of this thread. With my relationship history, being triggered is almost inevitable.

Of course it was positive to have a decent guy, but i've also come far enough to come out the other end unscathed and in control. I have been worried that this would be an impossibility.

[Rainagain]

I don't want to hijack your thread, but with me I realise that I have often been in relationships where my issues are explained but not really understood.

I get triggered and flee.

I have ended up with several ex girlfriends I remain in touch with, some from many years ago, they are like old school friends or something.

It seems natural but also slightly odd, we get on well as people but I couldn't make a relationship work.

Yet there is a residual mutual affection, just my trauma got in the way.

I think poignant is the word here, they are really great people, I wish I could have been different, but I am a bit broken really, only recently have I understood the brokenness is quite severe.

Such a pity.