Am I still re-creating abandonment?

[voicelessagony2]

I just realized something the other day.

My lifelong pattern of burning bridges that has led to me being almost completely without any friends or social community to speak of, could that be, at least in part, due to my unconscious repetition of abandonment by my biological father at age 3?

[flookadelic]

Interesting point, as there are very few long term friends in my life, I'd rather my family forget about me (even though they are now really OK now that the main perpetrators have died) and my life has been described as the least photographed imaginable. I just don't want to make the past real, so to speak.

[marycontrary]

Let me ask you...what happens when you burn bridges? I have had to burn bridges...many...cause the company was just no damn good.

[flookadelic]

Relief comes into the mix. But it depends on what bridges are burnt and what are allowed to fall into disrepair. I regret some of the ones I have allowed to fall into disrepair. Their were good people on the other side of those bridges. I possibly thought I was doing them a favour by fading away as let's face it, cptsd totally screws with self worth and confidence. The ones I burnt however, no regrets. There is also the issue of religion in my FOO. The ones who are religious don't overtly judge me any more but I know that they think I'm wrong. And that's just my opinions. In their eyes I can never be right. Never have a perspective that is...anyways. "Destroying the evidence, denying the past" as I once wrote. Because the past only exists in me as a bunch of thoughts, abd ultimately, how *real* is a thought? A thought is a pretty ephemeral beastie...that's how I try to view my screwed up inchoate traumatised thinking, when it's being like that. Bit like the wizard of Oz...behind the terrifying facade their is a silly little man pulling strings and shouting into a megaphone. The silly little man is the ephemeral nature of thought. It may provoke - and does provoke - pretty strong reactions from me but knowing that the past is just a series of thoughts helps me to gain a bit of perspective. All a bit philosophical perhaps but that's me.

[schrödinger's cat]

But it depends on what bridges are burnt and what are allowed to fall into disrepair. I regret some of the ones I have allowed to fall into disrepair. Their were good people on the other side of those bridges. I possibly thought I was doing them a favour by fading away as let's face it, cptsd totally screws with self worth and confidence. The ones I burnt however, no regrets.

Same here. Absolutely the same. It always felt like I had to protect those good people from myself - like I was doing them a favour by withdrawing.

And in that sense, I did recreate my own past. Not by abandoning people, but by assuming they would wish to abandon me.

By the way, flook, your family are missing out. You're a kind, bright, funny, caring person. Their loss is our gain.   

[flookadelic]

Thank you Cat that is very kind of you. wish I could feel a bit more close to my family, esp the ones who share the same values but...well, you know how it is!

[Kizzie]

I think that for years (decades sadly) my mantra was "Abandon me all ye who enter here" not that I could have consciously voiced that, but I know now that it drove me to pushing/keeping people away. So, I think it's a pretty good bet that you are recreating your F's abandonment VA and that you  do so before others can abandon you as Cat suggests she does, and I know I do as well. And really, who in their right mind would want to go through those feelings ever again? 

As for dealing with recreating abandonment and slowing or stopping it, I was reading about "earned secure attachment" recently which is I think what we're all trying to do here by talking together and in therapy.   This is a blurb about it that will be going into our Glossary:

Earned secure attachment refers to adults who suffered childhood trauma and did not learn how to develop secure attachments to others (e.g., spouse, children, friends).  By reflecting on the past (e.g., in journals, online support groups, therapy) and constructing a clear narrative of the past - events, perpetrators, feelings – the trauma becomes integrated into the self thereby freeing up psychic energy to develop "earned secure attachments" with others. For additional information search Mary Main and/or adult attachment disorder. 

What I really like about the notion of ESA is the fact that we learned something that can be unlearned just as Walker talks about in The Book. Huzzah! 

[voicelessagony2]

... my life has been described as the least photographed imaginable. I just don't want to make the past real, so to speak.

Wow, me too! I hate being photographed, and aside from childhood photos from those yearly extended family visits, there are very few. I'm not sure if the reasoning is the same or not, as far as making the past real, it could be but I don't really know. I honestly never thought about it within the context of trauma/abuse.

[voicelessagony2]

Let me ask you...what happens when you burn bridges? I have had to burn bridges...many...cause the company was just no damn good.

Mary,

I guess there are different ways connections get severed, but in the end the result is always the same: I am alone. Here's a few ranging from outside my control, to totally my decision:

- I mistakenly believe there is a connection with someone, but they never initiate contact, and fail to return calls or emails consistently over time, so I have to conclude there is no connection. (Used to be such a perplexing mystery before I realized I am ill.)

- Maybe a casual connection is beginning to form, but I instinctively withdraw. Maybe they initiate contact, or respond to contact initiated by me, but eventually, I stop initiating contact, and gradually become slower to respond to them, and the connection dies a slow death. This is the most common scenario. I still do this today, and I'm not sure why. It bothers me and that's why I asked the question here. "I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member." - Woody Allen

- In virtual communities, like this one, I often abandon or stop participating for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Nothing has offended or triggered me, people are OK, I know it takes time to warm up to others in a virtual space, but my interest just fades and I find other things to do. I'm surprised that hasn't happened here yet. I think there is a brand new level of belonging here that I have not been able to find anywhere else. I hope I can trust myself to stay connected!

- Similar to the previous, I have almost no contact with colleagues or managers from my many contract/consulting jobs. This is really, really detrimental to my career. Most jobs do not end badly, sometimes they seem to sincerely regret having to end the contract, but I am convinced something is wrong, and continue - to this day - to avoid contact by not checking LinkedIn or making any attempt to maintain the connection. I'm not even sure I know how. It feels really weird and awkward to ask for references or recommendations. One manager even told me point blank, that he would write me a letter of recommendation, but I have never followed up to ask him for it. 

- Something really deeply offends me, and they immediately become "dead to me." Any attempt they make to reach out to me is ignored, and I have been known to intentionally keep phone numbers saved on my phone so I can screen or block calls. I avoid places where I might see or be seen by them. This has happened with friendships and romantic partners. Nearly every breakup ends this way. Most of these I do not regret, due to the toxic nature of the relationship, but I realize this way of dealing with it is not healthy either.

I had filed this under "self esteem issues" until the other day, when I realized that it might also be an abandonment thing, since the end result is me continuing to be alone. Feeling connected just feels foreign, or maybe too risky... so I sabotage... unconsciously or intentionally.

[voicelessagony2]

But it depends on what bridges are burnt and what are allowed to fall into disrepair. I regret some of the ones I have allowed to fall into disrepair. Their were good people on the other side of those bridges. I possibly thought I was doing them a favour by fading away as let's face it, cptsd totally screws with self worth and confidence. The ones I burnt however, no regrets.

Same here. Absolutely the same. It always felt like I had to protect those good people from myself - like I was doing them a favour by withdrawing.

Yes, exactly. I also regret many of the connections that I chose to abandon, and even now, when I meet people who seem successful, happy, and healthy, I deeply resist or refuse to try to connect. I met a bright young man with a Phd in my line of work at a networking event, and he tried to arrange meeting for coffee, but I sabotaged - delayed until he gave up. It was too overwhelming to think I could possibly have anything to offer.

And in that sense, I did recreate my own past. Not by abandoning people, but by assuming they would wish to abandon me.

Again, yes, exactly. Although I still don't know, it might be a little of both me and others doing the abandoning, but either way, I assume they would want to, and it is continuing to recreate my past.

By the way, flook, your family are missing out. You're a kind, bright, funny, caring person. Their loss is our gain. 

I couldn't agree more, flook! 

[schrödinger's cat]

Thanks for posting those details about your abandonment scenarios, Voice. I do all that too. Even the bit where I just drift away from people or groups and there's no earthly reason to.

No, wait. I once thought about this extensively, so I could make sure I wouldn't do that with my kids. What I found out was this. My FOO actually prefers it if I do that. They like it. They're relieved because that way, they don't have to hint me away. They need a lot of time for themselves, and they don't like spending time with me. So this is simply how I was socialized: any contact - even nice, pleasant contact (and my FOO and I, we had some fun half hours together, while they lasted) - sorry, where was I: even positive contact has to be casually stopped sooner rather than later, or it'll all end in the part where I'm clearly and obviously a burden on people. This is simply how relationships work:
STEP 1: You scent the air for danger
STEP 2: If there isn't any, you partake in the (shallow) exchange of pleasantries, the trite jokes, the chit-chat
---> NOTE: hide who you truly are, because you're entirely alone in how you feel [=no one else has CPTSD] and no one wants the real you [=they're jerks]
STEP 3: You withdraw gracefully before you've outstayed your (VERY short) welcome
STEP 4: As you leave, you notice that the others are relieved, or at least not sorry to see you go

... Wow. I must have been... well, just as lonely as I always felt. I kind of assumed that at least 50% of that feeling was teenage drama.

That would help explain why OOTS feels different. (For me too.) There isn't this shallowness to it. We bring ourselves fully to the table... yikes, that has unwanted cannibalistic overtones, sorry about that... I mean to say, there isn't that same sense of danger here, and we're not alone in how we feel. That's one of my favourite things about OOTS: we're all in this together, and for all that we each of us have our unique journey, there are so many similarities. And that's so NEW. It's partly what has made me realize how much of myself I'm usually hiding: the contrast to OOTS, where it isn't all that necessary.

[bee]

Hi,
I'm just coming out of a several month long lurking mode.
Just want to say, yes, yes , yes.
This is what I do to.
Like schrodinger's cat said, I was socialized to know that I will not be welcomed for an extended stay. (And yes cat, I too thought the loneliness was a teenage drama thing, but now I think that's just what my mother wanted me to think, so I wouldn't blame her, and so she could continue to victimize me) There was another post somewhere on the board that  described an encounter with a relative(father I think) where the person was trying to get the father's attention, and the father turned to them and said/snarled "I heard you the first time." This sums up what I expect to happen if I don't exit/disengage myself.
If I am truely honest, my desperation for a shred of human contact drives me to endure the very short very shallow conversations that I have been taught is all that others can tolerate of me. I too often have the thought that I must protect others from myself. I am amazed to see that others have thought this. I actually hate shallow conversation, but I take what scraps I can get when my loneliness gets overwhelming.
I leave/end relationships as described by voicelessagony2. The reasons are 1.) to avoid the pain of rejection 2.) to minimize the potential sources of attack/annihilation.
Some explanation for 2.) my experience being raised by my mother taught me anyone who you are in a relationship with is just gathering information about you that they will later use against you. They will use their knowledge of you as a person and what you have said or done in the past, and twist things to show that you are a terrible unlovable person. It's hard to describe this, but it is soul crushing. fyi my mother seems to have sociopathic, narcissistic, and borderline traits, so imagine what that sort of person is capable of doing.
Back to the original question. I was not physically abandoned by my parents, but they were never available emotionally. For me it is becoming clear that I was not taught how to securely attach.

[Anamiame]

Totally, and I mean TOTALLY me too.  Exactly like all have said.  Right now, I have one friend and have not seen her since Christmas Eve.  I just wrote in my journal that I stopped PTA, etc. when the kids were little because of the drama.  While talking to my T about it, I said, "There's only one common denominator and that's me."  In my head, I know that can't possibly be true, but in ALL of my being, it's all my fault.  I did something bad and I made everyone upset, so it's best NOT to be there and everyone will then be happy again. 

When I was pregnant with my third child, my brother was getting married.  He called ME up and raged on me saying he knew all my friends and that they couldn't stand me.  "Nobody like you.  It's your personality, people just really hate you."  He told me that he had informed everyone going to the wedding NOT to tell me where it was because he didn't want ME 'trying to be the center of attention.'  I was on the floor sobbing and started bleeding.  Fortunately I did not lose the baby. 

The problem was, I believed him because deep down inside I knew that must be true.  It was all MY fault.  I know the song Puff the Magic Dragon is really about pot, but the picture I had as a kid to that song always made me cry and throughout my life, I've seen myself as Puff going to hide in the cave because, well, I'm a dragon and no one wants to be around one of those. 

Also, there are almost no pics of me.  I HATE HATE HATE having my pic taken and it really upsets my kids.

[schrödinger's cat]

He said what to you? What an *. This makes me want to throw up. And you had to grow up in the same house with this guy?!    Oh my words. I don't even want to imagine what this must have been like. No wonder you have such deep wounds. Are you NC with him now?

I'm glad to hear that your baby was okay.   

[Anamiame]

Hey SCat:  I wish I could say NC, but it is minimal contact and pretty much NC for years.  Yes, he was a total jerk and was next to my mother in how much abuse I took from him.  SO many issues with him and he's never even acknowledged what he did to me or my sister.   

But the reality is, I already BELIEVED what he said and that is why it hurt so much.  I've come so far in 20 years.  However, that old message was prominent for years and still echos at times...if that makes sense.