Can anyone relate to feeling like you have to be the same with others to belong?

[DecimalRocket]

I seem to have this sense of perfectionism when it comes to relating to people sometimes. That I have to find at least one person who shares every joy or pain I have in something. Or even a need to have to relate to someone with everything.

I guess it has to do with how my mom treated me. She raised me like she would raise herself as a person — with her own particular strengths, weaknesses, likes and dislikes. I'd get the material needs I personally wanted like food or books, but in many other ways it seemed she never asked me what I really wanted. Maybe that's why I feel I have to be the same as other people in every way to deserve to be loved and belong sometimes.

Other than . . . being probably the only teenager on this site and the effects of puberty, sure.


I've often gotten a need to be the same to my mom before to be cared for. But I'm a lot more naturally introverted, a lot more nerdy and analytic, a lot more quirky in expression with body langauge, a lot more easygoing in appearance than formal looking, a lot less practical and so on. I'd get the need to be similar with others in many other ways, but it seems like the ones different from my own mom seem to be more of my sensitive point.

Anyone can relate or give me any insights about this?

[M.R.]

Hey Decimal,

I'm not sure that I can relate now, but I did when I was younger and in school myself. I don't know if it was just purely school because in school there is a certain amount of gossip and drama if someone is different. I had this one friend that I met in 6th grade...many years ago now (haha) and her and I just fit together. We were best friends right away and she ended up knowing what I had been through and I her. I mention this because it was almost if we were the same person, character wise, just in different bodies. I fit with her. I am not in contact now, for reasons, but she made me feel like I belonged somewhere.

But, from experience once you've graduated HS, it is so different. Even college isn't like it. Its more about themselves and less about judging others. Even though, you're always going to come across those that want to tear anyone apart no matter what.

Anyways, no matter where you think this feeling is coming from, I hope you find a sense of companionship here in this community.

Sorry for the long post. It started off simple...lol.

MR

[Blueberry]

I feel I have to be the same as other people in every way to deserve to be loved and belong sometimes.

That's how I used to feel too, at least some of the time. So I think it might have been an EF. I no longer feel that way, so it can get better 

Other than . . . being probably the only teenager on this site

I'm not sure that you are 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi decimalrocket
Yes I can relate ! I don't have it as 'bad as I used to have it but it can still happen.. I'll start relating my conversation to include something the person said previously .. or take on manerisims or change my personality slightly to get a 'sense of acceptance from the person '
with my own m who I suspect had / has bpd and the reading ive done,  people with this condition can see others as an extension of themselves so there isn't a sense of the other having their own ideas, needs, personality and rights. The disordered person functions in this way as they have such a poor sense of self that this was of relating to another is a survival mechanism for them..
The issues I continue to work on slowly but surely are a stable sense of self, self worth and esteem, confidence in myself and my abilities and perspectives, feeling empowered and strong in myself .. it's been 10 yrs now since I've been in my m 'company '.
I'm learning how to be in my own power more and not to focus so much on others.
It's really good to see this stuff, the first stage of healing and from there I can start to change with support of course.
Hope this is of some help to you to hear, thank you for the topic it's been helpful to reflect on this stuff