Hello

[pippapop]

hello, ive just discovered your site. both my daughter, age 11 and I have c ptsd. Today her psych described to me that what we lived through was called entrapment from my then husband. It was quite a shock but in some ways made me feel better. I so easily shut all of it away so I can still raise my daughter, work to provide for her, support her through her ptsd and put on a brave face that often I dont remember much of the abuse, but it always bubbles back. It lasted for 8 years. We are safe now, although there are still custody access worries for me as I dont have enough evidence to prevent access if it goes to court. I am still very isolated as I am a single mum with a very small support group. I often feel so alone and misunderstood its nice to find a site where people seem to get it.

[keepfighting]

Hello, pippapop,

nice to meet you on this forum! 

I'm glad you've found us and hope that you'll find validation and support for yourself here. It is very nice community and has helped me lots.

I am sorry to read what you and your d must have been through for 8 long years and hope that both of you will have the time and opportunity to heal and find peace and love in your life. You deserve it! 

Best wishes, kf

[Kizzie]

Hi Pippapop, you are very welcome here at Out of the Storm, the community is very encouraging and supportive you'll find.     

Looking forward to chatting with you!

[pippapop]

Thankyou for all your kind and welcoming messages. It is so nice to find some people who might understand me. I so want to get better. My daughter is a massive motivation but I also want to understand my journey and learn from it so I can help others by educating doctors and police about other forms of abuse which dont fit the domestic violence mould. At the moment though I'm finding it all very confusing. I thought id got better, I rarely thought of the abuse and thanks to some meds from the gp the panic attacks had stopped. But my daughter is struggling with sleep issues, thanks to c-ptsd so I guess my buttons are being pushed. I seem to have crumpled into a heap. I think now all I had done was bury it all so I can keep my job and be mum and dad to my daughter. Now I'm learning that my dads lack of emotional support due to his bad childhood may be the real beginning of my story rather than marrying a psychpath. Its rocked me to the core. I love my dad and I cant believe he would mean to hurt me. But now I can see my trying to please the psychopath, at least in the early years was like me trying to please my father. I'm hoping the psych will be able to help. I feel like if I allow myself to feel the hurt and sadness that I am wasting my life now when I should make the most of the freedom and safety I now have. I feel that by being sad somehow the psychopath is still winning even though hes moved on. But can I ever really be happy without somehow reconciling what he did to me, and worse to my daughter?

[keepfighting]

Now I'm learning that my dads lack of emotional support due to his bad childhood may be the real beginning of my story rather than marrying a psychpath. Its rocked me to the core. I love my dad and I cant believe he would mean to hurt me. But now I can see my trying to please the psychopath, at least in the early years was like me trying to please my father.

What a can of worms has been opened here.

I, too, grew up with a very distorted idea of 'love' (narc parents, one narc sis). In retrospect, I spent all my childhood and youth treading a hamster wheel for little scrums of affection - that weren't even 'affection' at all but just aimed to keep me going and trying even harder....

I feel like if I allow myself to feel the hurt and sadness that I am wasting my life now when I should make the most of the freedom and safety I now have. I feel that by being sad somehow the psychopath is still winning even though hes moved on. But can I ever really be happy without somehow reconciling what he did to me, and worse to my daughter?

It's terribly unjust.

I deal with it by mourning the past but also by thinking: "They'll never get another piece of me. The rest of my life is my own and I owe it to myself to take good care of myself and heal and get stronger. I no longer feed the emotional vampires - I no longer waste my energy on people who do not reciprocate."

It doesn't make injustice go away, but it feels empowering to know there is so much I can do to take control of my life now and give toxic people the space they deserve in it: none (...or as close to 'none' as I can get).

Kudos to you!

[Kizzie]

Hi Again Pippapop   

People here do definitely "get it" so you are in very good company now and I think you will find it helps with those feelings of being alone and misunderstood.

You mentioned burying everything before so you could work and support yourself and your daughter, but that you are more or less safe now. I had a thought when I was reading your post that while it might not feel like it, perhaps you're ready, willing and able to go further along the road to recovery? Coming here really is a BIG step that takes courage and says something about change and inner strength.  So in addition to kudos from KeepFighting I want to add that I think you.....are.....brave - hold that thought close when things are hard.   

for you and for your daughter

[flookadelic]

Hello Pippapop,

I have read through your posts and firstly, welcome, and secondly well done for breaking free. If ever you need proof of your strength and capability, there it is.

I am so very tired at the moment so cannot reply at any length, but please, please keep in touch. I have found this to be a wonderful, supportive, non judgemental space full of deeply understanding and kind people who totally get it. I very much would love to see you around! Sorry I can't be more helpful but my eyes are closing as I type.

[C.]

Welcome Pippapop,

You've found a community of people with similar experiences.  You are not alone.  I experienced emotional abuse and neglect/abandonment by my exH and continue to struggle with how to parent my teen son with his NPD father in the background.  I celebrate the steps that you've taken and look forward to learning together in this forum.

C.

[pippapop]

Hi all, I cant believe how kind everyone is! Unfortunately ive been unwell, just a normal, flu so not been on line. Amazing what stress does to your body.
C I share the difficulty of being a single mum. How old is your child/ren? Is it ok to ask that?
I had what seems like a breakthrough yesterday. My daughter had moved from months of tummy aches to nightly floods of tears, well it seems she is making progress and starting to heal. Not nice for either of us but so nice to understand whats going on. Im so lucky to have finally found a psych who really understands cptsd. The damage a narc father leaves behind is so tragic. It is certainly quite a journey we are all on.

[C.]

Hi pippapop, my son is a teen ager, almost 16.  I think that he is unaware of his father's NPD.  I really just put the pieces together myself.  Plus his father is the "fawning" type...so he clothes all of his selfishness in being a "good" dad.  But it's really about his kids making him look good.  He doesn't have true empathy or the capacity to be interested fully in his son.  So my son spends time with his father a lot too.  My next goal is to really become familiar with NPD in order to avoid promoting those traits in my son...it's an upward battle since his father has influence but I am confident that my son will be ok.  As a teen my son has had very powerful insights with me about his father.  When my adult daughter commented about her "poor daddy" one time, he told her come on sis you know dad is just manipulating the situation to what he wants...

I think the hardest part for me in this situation is the fact that although my son has a father he spends time with, he is not someone with whom I can discuss parenting...and I worry about the impact of him spending time with his father.  Last weekend my son needed to do schoolwork but was with his father.  He did no school work.  And his father lets him do whatever he wants so he's often on his phone or playing video games, both of which his father provided to him.  He says that he doesn't believe in "punishment" so he won't withhold screen time.  But ultimately it simply harms my son b/c he has no accountability. 

Sometimes I have what I think is a positive conversation with his dad about parenting, but it always comes back to his father's ego eventually.

It sounds like your daughter is making progress.  It's raw and painful, but going forward.  She must have experienced some horrible things with her father.  I am so sorry for that and I commend you on removing her and helping her to find safety.  The wonderful thing with children is that their youth seems to help them heal as well.  With a lot of positive they can turn their reality around pretty quickly.  Us adults have a lot more unpleasant memories and negative habits to unlearn and replace.

[Rain]

Welcome to OOTS, pippapop!

I hope you can find healing, and this forum is a great place for that.

Grace and healing on your Journey,

Rain