Room 101

[Atlas]

I looked all over the forum today trying to decide where to post. But there are so many things I need to say I figure it's time to start this journal.

**TRIGGER WARNING**
   *CSA/Neglect/Emotional/Physical*

*CSA* Start

I had posted a little bit ago in my introduction about a memory I had resurface recently. I had a visual memory of a male in a door way that was backlit. No real features but I could see him standing there tall, thin, and pushing his hair behind his ear. I was laying on the floor supposed to be taking a nap. I remember being terrified. I remember being picked up. I was about 2. And then the pain. The excruciating pain. It hurts so bad I feel like I'm going to puke. I can't breathe and I can't scream. And I'm suffocating under the weight on my chest.

This was the memory. I knew  Big Sister had been molested while in the care of a babysitter in the same timeframe of this memory. I called her and asked if I had gone to the babysitters as well. In general. She said yes and I told her I thought I remembered some thing. She told me she didn't think anything happened and that I wasn't in the room when she was assaulted. And that perhaps I was remembering what she had told me. I told her it was a first person memory and the pain I felt was very real.
Fast forward a few days and I'm at M's.
She tells me that  Big Sister has told her what has happened and the questions I have. And proceeds with this gem, "Big Sister told me you weren't in the room. And that there were other kids there. And I know if something happened to you, you would've hollered. Because when you and Big Sister were in the bathtub she put her finger in your vagina and you screamed." She then tears up and is extremely regretful that she didn't recognize that Big Sister doing this meant something happened to her.

*CSA* End


I was 2. Big Sister was 5. Intellectually I understand she was a child. But I don't care. Not now. Not this moment in time. And I don't feel sorry for her. I'm angry. I'm angry at all of them. My whole life I was made to feel sorry for her. She had all these problems. Don't upset her. You know how she gets. And all the while Big Sister is whispering in my ear how I'm the favorite. And then how 'they' ( M & F ) never wanted us, never loved us. In between beating me, and trying to manipulate me into hurting myself. I'm the favorite. We have to stick together. It's just the two of us. She (M) hates us.  But it was them together that locked me in the basement. Laughing. It was them together that told me I wouldn't be a good mom. That it wasn't that bad. That I had nothing to be angry about. But I do. All of the things. And I know you were a child Big Sister. But so was I. And I didn't torture anyone and I didn't torture the animals nor did I kill them. Not like you.

I will come out of the basement. I will leave Room 101. There will be no more Ministry of Love, Big Sister.

[sanmagic7]

my heart is with you, atlas.  i'm impressed that you are able to differentiate such a memory and know that it was a first-person memory.  i believe you completely.

i'm also of the same mind as you about your anger.  you deserve your anger right now, maybe forever.  if that's what feels right for you, that is what's right for you.  i've said something similar about people who have hurt me - that maybe they had their own horrible experiences, but i didn't do to them what they did to me. 

thanks for sharing.  i hope it helped get some of the poison out.  what a powerful first entry for your journal.  such courage to speak your truth.   safe hug for you if you want it.

[Three Roses]

Journaling has really helped me. I've always kept a hand-written journal but the experience of journaling online and getting feedback has been very validating and IMO has aided in my healing.

I'm glad you're not listening to gaslighting anymore, and that you're standing up to verbal abuse! Your memories are more to be trusted than what others tell you happened to you; if you were with a babysitter, your mother wasn't there. 

[Atlas]

Thank you both for your responses!
I felt like I was verbally vomiting while writing this. Anger is a hard emotion for me. It was never allowed. It was never warranted. Constantly being told "It was a joke" or "I didn't mean it that way" and listening to people rewrite the past to events I was present for is crazy making.
I know in all reality I will probably never know exactly what happened. But I can't deny the reality of what I am/ have experienced anymore.
Thank you for your validation. It is truly helpful.

[Blueberry]

I believe you too Atlas!

You deserve to feel angry towards your M and F and your Big Sister.

My elder brother always had his 'reasons' to abuse me physically and mentally - he suffered under M. So?? I didn't pass it on to my younger brother. You don't have to pass it on.

I'm glad you've started a Recovery Journal, I hope it helps you as much as it does me.

Safe  if you'd like.

[DecimalRocket]

Hi Atlas, I remember you were the kind soul that suggested me some of those noice cancelling stuff, right?

To feel anger is powerful. It's your right to stand up for yourself. Your right to confidence. Your right to be heard. Your right to importance. Your right to your own truth.

It's alright. Let's hear your roar.